When Meredith Lowell took to Facebook to order a murder last year, she at least went to the trouble of making an account under a false name (please note this did nothing to delay her capture). Lowell used her account to post an open request to any remorseless stab machine who happened to see it, wanting someone killed outside of her local library for wearing fur. Not a specific person wearing fur, mind you -- absolutely anyone at all who happened to be wearing fur outside this particular building. She further stipulated that the hit man should either use a gun with a silencer or a knife with a 4-inch blade, and that the target should be at least 12 years old, because filleting an 11-year-old would clearly cross a moral line. She then specified that the victim should take no more than two minutes to die, giving her time to show up and distribute a stack of anti-fur pamphlets next to the freshly-made corpse, because she is crazier than a cartoon jackrabbit. Unsurprisingly, the FBI answered her friend request almost immediately, and she now does all her poking from a jail cell.
Department of Justice
Her first mugshot included duckface. The judge tripled her sentence.
A Doctor Hires a Man for His Own Murder
Chris Stein/Photodisc/Getty Images
Back in the 1950s, a psychiatrist named Dr. Charles Pearman decided that he'd had enough of life's cruel game and decided to troll the seediest bar he could find for a disreputable gent willing to shoot him in the chest for $500. He'd recently gotten divorced, lost a substantial lawsuit against the Detroit Police Department, and professed his love to a totally uninterested married woman, all things that are known in the field of forensic psychology as "real bummers."
The screams at his asylum were the only thing keeping him sane.
Pearman met an affable porter at a nightclub and asked the man to track down "a Negro" ex-convict who would be willing to do the deed, because this was 1955 and people still operated on a complex series of racist assumptions rather than thoughts. The porter set him up with an undercover cop, and Pearman slid the patrolman a cool $50, promising the remaining $450 once the job was done.
How would he pay it if he were dead? Well, he'd take that secret to his grave.
He told the man to come by his office and make the whole thing look like a robbery, because people apparently rob administrative offices in mental health institutions all the time. But when the big day came, Pearman got cold feet. The undercover cop showed up at the appointed Murder Time in full arrest mode, only to find that the doctor had abandoned his office in favor of a crowded officers' party at a nearby Naval Air Station, where he was statistically less likely to be assassinated by a nightclub hitman. He was quickly located and arrested but was later released into the care of a former colleague for psychiatric treatment, because the judge figured they really couldn't charge him for soliciting murder when he had been trying to kill himself. Man, that's got to be depressing, finding out that your own violent death wouldn't have even been a crime.
Ah well, looks like it's suicide again for Pearman.
Ryan Menezes is a writer and layout editor here at Cracked. He broke down and made a Twitter page just for his Cracked fans.
Related Reading: Ever hear about the man who tried to assassinate JFK with a car full of dynamite? Read all about it here. And did you know Jim Bowie was immune to knives? It's true. Click here for some assassination attempts that almost fucked the world.
Bruce Lee tried to kill ET once. It was glorious.