We live in an era where, if you want to know more about a show, movie, book, or whatever that you like, you can simply BingTM that shit and find out that, for example, the word "fuck" is said 1.32 times per minute in Scarface, or that the population density of Springfield in The Simpsons is 1.5 people per square kilometer (and half those citizens sound like Hank Azaria). That's because the Internet is home to a relentless army of hardcore nerds who are willing to do the work of sifting through all of pop culture to come up with the hard numbers.
Among their more impressive/terrifying achievements are ...
New Line Cinema
When watching any Lord of the Rings movie, a franchise that includes massive battles, giant dragons, and talking trees, one question inevitably comes to mind: What is the life expectancy of the average Hobbit? The answer is 106 years, and we know this thanks to a Swedish fan named Emil Johansson, who not only cataloged every single character mentioned in J.R.R. Tolkien's novels (all 923 of them), but also used this information to create a thorough statistical analysis of Middle-Earth. He then put all of this on an interactive website, LotRProject.com.
New Line Cinema
Including a Facebook page where he tagged every character in this picture.
It all started when Johansson was 14 and reading Tolkien's The Silmarillion, or trying to. There are so many freaking characters in the book that the young fan felt he needed a giant family tree to keep track of all of them. So he created just that:
At that age, we were just learning to draw dicks in Paint.
Johansson didn't just go through all the books, which are long enough as it is, but also through Tolkien's hundreds of letters, and he cataloged every detail of the ancestry of every character. On the interactive tree, all of the characters have a small link with their lifetimes and where they lived, who they had sex with, and what they created as a result. The lineage of Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen in the movies), for example, is mapped for over 50 generations.
There was apparently a lot of freaky, anonymous sex going on in that family.
Using all his research, Johanssen was able to find out some pretty interesting details, such as the average life expectancy of each race (Dwarfs should live to 300, but keep dying in battle at the tender age of 195), age distribution, population, and time and distance traveled in the books. Did you know that the Hobbits traveled 1,802 miles for six months to get to Mount Doom and chuck a ring into it? Or that only 19 percent of the population in Middle-Earth appears to be female? OK, yeah, you probably could have guessed that one.
New Line Cinema
Or, if you watched The Hobbit, you probably thought it was 0.
There's a special type of fan known as a "counter" -- someone who watches every single installment of a given franchise just to find out how many times something happens. Thanks to them, we now know how many people James Bond has killed, how many Superman references are made in Seinfeld, and how many times characters in Deadwood dropped the word "fuck" (it's 2,980). Speaking of which, one fan took it to the next level by not only quantifying the amount of sex each character in the sitcom Friends had, but turning those findings into a handy chart:
Anyone else uncomfortable with the way Ross' line intersects with his sister's?
Devoting more effort to the sex lives of fictional characters than most of us put into our own, Reddit user larry_b watched all 236 episodes of Friends multiple times and assigned one point to a character every time sex was confirmed or heavily implied, and half a point when there was room for ambiguity (i.e., "I once dated a guy ..."). Larry kept track of these fascinating findings through an Excel spreadsheet, which lists the name of each sexual conquest and the rationale for including them.
Where the hell is Marcel the monkey?
So what can we learn from this? Well, not surprisingly, Joey is the sluttiest member of the cast, with 51.5 sexual partners, and at the opposite end is Chandler, with 10.5 (Jesus, you could've thrown him some of your scraps, Joey). In second place is Phoebe, whose 32.5 partners include the entire lineup of Jethro Tull.
Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
There is something undeniably sexy about a man with a flute.
On the more surprising side, Ross' total of 14 is 13.5 higher than any other paleontologist in history, and obsessive-compulsive "neat freak" Monica was actually the most promiscuous Friend in Season 1 (and the only one who had sex with a minor). Sure, you could quibble with a couple of the numbers (Joey probably deserves another 0.5 for the way his tailor measures pants), but we're just impressed with the sheer amount of effort that went into the project. Impressed and frightened.
Back before Ice Cube was a fun-loving family-movie star, he was a fun-loving gangsta rapper. One of his hit songs was "It Was a Good Day," which featured him waking up and listing off all the things that made the day so great, like intercoursing a lady friend and not being kicked in the face by any cops.
While most fans assumed that Ice Cube just made up the "good day," this wasn't good enough for Tumblr user Donovan Strain. Strain analyzed the song's lyrics and broke down the clues that could help determine the exact date Cube was talking about, like a rap fan version of Tom Hanks' character in The Da Vinci Code.
Clue one was a lyric about an MTV show ("Went to Short Dog's house, they was watching Yo! MTV Raps"), which first aired August 6, 1988. "It Was a Good Day" was released on February 23, 1993, so that narrows down the date some.
Although with all the cocaine in the '80s and '90s, a "good day" might actually be several weeks.
The next clue is about basketball -- Cube says "The Lakers beat the Sonics," so Strain looked at the stats for the Los Angeles Lakers and listed all the times they beat the SuperSonics between 1988 and 1993, ending up with 12 dates. This was narrowed down to five dates by only taking into consideration the days where the sky was clear and there was no smog in Los Angeles, as seen in the video.
Days in which Ice Cube drove a ridiculous bouncing car: all of them.
Next is the lyric most likely to baffle young listeners: "Got a beep from Kim, and she can fuck all night." Cube mentions a beeper pager, which didn't become widely available until the '90s. That leaves us with two dates: January 18, 1991, and January 20, 1992. However, it turns out that Cube was busy shooting the movie Boyz n the Hood in early 1991, and presumably didn't have time to spend a whole day screwing around in his silly car.
Seriously, how did people keep a straight face back then?
So, in the words of Mr. Strain:
Time well spent!
There you have it. Of course, Ice Cube is a bajillionare by now, so they're probably all good days.