Christmas is a holiday for celebrating community, families, and Lexus dealers, but what about the people who don't fit nicely into society? What about all the people who stay socked away in cellars, who dread human contact, who are so emotionally broken that they spend the holiday alone, like some kind of ... well, like Santa Claus, actually? Do they even celebrate Christmas?
The answer is a resounding yes, and the following Christmas decorations are a testament to that fact. Even the psychopaths and the serial killers apparently make time between pulling the legs off insects and fashioning skin suits to celebrate the holidays. Here's the proof ...
#10. Naked Deformed Santa Claus
"Oh good, children, you're here! Come, help me build this snowman. Hold on a tick, you know the rules. You'll need to strip naked first. Like me! Quickly now, the sun is going down. When we're finished, we can all go inside for some warm milk from one of my five nipples. You're all doing very w- Oh, what's this? Mistletoe? Uh-oh, what's it doing here, right here over my head? C'mon, children, you know the rules. YOU KNOW THE GODDAMN RULES. Ho ho ho! You're not going to tell your parents about me, are you?"
#9. Bulb-Eye Santa
Here's a little tip we'd like to pass on to the good people who make Christmas decorations: You're free to interpret Santa Claus any way you like, but the minute you give his eyes their own voltage, you're going to lose a lot of people. And if you decide to make those eyes protrude like an insect's from his face while illuminated, you're no longer building a festive trinket -- now you're building a nightmare. Oh, he sees you when you're sleeping, all right.
It's also unnerving that so much detail went into the face, yet the body is a dislocated, lumpy mess at best, like the thin disguise of an alien pretending at human merriment and barely holding it together. "This is what our species enjoys, correct? We are filled with giving, and nine pints of blood, and festive cheer."
And don't think that removing the bulbs can solve the problem, either ...
Fa-la-la-la-la, la la laaaAAAAAHHHH!
#8. Gold-Suited Drunken Santa
Hey, remember when your grandfather sort of dressed up as Santa Claus and then collapsed on the kitchen floor and wept all night on Christmas Eve before he went to rehab? Well, now you can immortalize that version of Santa for generations to come with this bobble-head doll! The costume is complete with a sagging gold tracksuit, just like your grandfather's, and the stain in the crotch from where he soiled himself.
The attention to detail is unrelenting, right down to his hands clenched in self-hatred as he slouches over and tries to remember all the bad decisions that led to this point. Now you can spend every Christmas Eve watching his head sway over his heap of a broken body, just like it did that night you sang Christmas carols to him in the desperate hope that it would make him fall asleep.
"Who's got a big red cherry nose?"
"Santa's gole a berdo rancher ose."
"Who laughs this way HO HO HO?"
Buy it on eBay!
#7. Grinning Clown Head
Apparently they do Christmas differently in Germany. They seem to be just fine with lazy-eyed clown heads supplying a healthy dose of creepy, but they absolutely won't stand for noses. No, noses would be an insult to Christmas. We've stared at this ornament for over an hour, and there's absolutely no way that's anything other than a clown with its nose cut off and a thin stream of blood leaking down into its mouth.
Most unnerving of all, he really seems to be enjoying it. That clown is absolutely psyched that he no longer has to deal with nose-related problems. These ornaments are apparently only for people who want to turn their tree into a celebration of torture, and if you don't believe us, here's another one from the same manufacturer, which features a skinless face.
If you say its name in Aramaic, it opens the Hellmouth.
If you ever see these on a Christmas tree at someone's house, get up very slowly and leave, because that person has put strychnine in the eggnog.
#6. Hellspawn Santa Claus Candy Dish
It may surprise you to learn that this is not, in fact, supposed to be the eyeless head of a hobo. No, what you're looking at is a candy dish in the likeness of Santa Claus created by someone who absolutely witnessed a murder as a child and never found a way to process it. To this container's credit, we can't think of a better way to make children hate candy than this rotten-toothed monstrosity. Every single thing about this decoration, from the absent eyes to the rusted-out wire (for convenient hanging from the meat hooks in your living room), feels like it's competing to be the most terrifying aspect, and somehow they're all winning.