6Grand Theft Parade
You will never take them alive. Christmas is traditionally a time of togetherness, and what better way to ensure togetherness than to straight up steal a shit ton of other people? Well, a South Carolina man named David Allen Rogers boarded that particular Retarded Logic Train, and rode it all the way to the end of the line. On the day of his local Christmas parade, Rogers decided to ditch out on his duties ...while he was still inside the float that he was supposed to be driving.
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, as directed by Michael Bay David Allen Rogers skipped the middleman and just stole the town’s inhabitants. Also, rather than having a change of heart when he heard their celebrations, Rogers instead got drunk and engaged in a high-speed police chase while towing the town's dance troupe around like a U-haul full of screams.
5The Immigration Claus
This is Christmas in Russia. Gryzlov made this announcement in response to growing concerns over the clash between eastern and western values during their Christmas season. Specifically worrying him were the increasingly violent street battles between Santa and Ded Moroz impersonators. But honestly, I don’t think Russia has anything to worry about here, seeing as how Santa actors tend to be short, jolly, and overweight, while Ded Moroz is more apt to be played by professional wrestlers with anger management issues. Seriously, here’s Ded pictured with Vladimir Putin, who’s looking undeniably terrified, clearly just trying not to make eye contact with the ten foot velvet ogre next to him:puts down tigers for kicks. In an era where politicians are careful to kiss every baby for fear of PC reprisal, Putin invited the Russian press out to photograph him fighting children. If President Red Dawn is scared, then soft and jolly Santa is likely hunched behind his couch right now, desperately clutching a fire poker, with the numbers ‘9’ and ‘1’ entered into his phone - his fat fingers hovering nervously above the last ‘1,’ just to cut down on the time it takes to dial.