All the classic Christmas stories have a villain whose sole pleasure is the misery of children but, through the magic of the holidays, ultimately learns a lesson about love, charity, and the Spirit of Giving: The Grinch’s heart grew three sizes, Scrooge bought a Christmas goose, and Randy Quaid gave Chevy Chase a white slave. Everything worked out for the best. Real life, however, doesn’t always play so nicely. Here are six unrepentant criminals who tried to ruin Christmas, and holiday miracles be damned; they still just don’t give a fuck.
You will never take them alive.
Christmas is traditionally a time of togetherness, and what better way to ensure togetherness than to straight up steal a shit ton of other people? Well, a South Carolina man named David Allen Rogers boarded that particular Retarded Logic Train, and rode it all the way to the end of the line. On the day of his local Christmas parade, Rogers decided to ditch out on his duties …while he was still inside the float that he was supposed to be driving.
Rogers, presumably unhappy with the admittedly boring pace of a traditional parade, broke rank, passed the float in front of him, ran a red light, and subsequently led a 3-mile long police chase … all while still towing his float full of 19 people from the local dance troupe! Various news outlets covered the story, of course, often humorously referring to Rogers as a “real life Grinch who stole Christmas.” But this comparison doesn’t exactly hold true; see, the titular Grinch stole some Christmas presents and had a change of heart when the town’s inhabitants celebrated regardless of the theft.
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, as directed by Michael Bay
David Allen Rogers skipped the middleman and just stole the town’s inhabitants. Also, rather than having a change of heart when he heard their celebrations, Rogers instead got drunk and engaged in a high-speed police chase while towing the town’s dance troupe around like a U-haul full of screams.
Boris Gryzlov, the speaker of the Russian Parliament, declared this month that Santa Claus was both “an illegal immigrant” in Russia, as well as an unwelcome pretender to the Christmas throne. Gryzlov went on to insist that the only fictional character qualified to distribute presents to Russian children is Ded Moroz, a local fairy tale along the lines of Father Christmas and Jack Frost. Ded Moroz, however, is less of a “jolly old Saint Nick,” figure, and more of an “intimidating wizard-hulk” who stands about nine feet tall, and has cold based super-powers. Take into account that his first name is “Ded,” and you’ve got less of a Santa Claus analogue, and more of a villain in a Harry Potter novel or a one-off nemesis for ‘90s-era Batman.
This is Christmas in Russia.
Gryzlov made this announcement in response to growing concerns over the clash between eastern and western values during their Christmas season. Specifically worrying him were the increasingly violent street battles between Santa and Ded Moroz impersonators. But honestly, I don’t think Russia has anything to worry about here, seeing as how Santa actors tend to be short, jolly, and overweight, while Ded Moroz is more apt to be played by professional wrestlers with anger management issues. Seriously, here’s Ded pictured with Vladimir Putin, who’s looking undeniably terrified, clearly just trying not to make eye contact with the ten foot velvet ogre next to him:
And that’s god damn Putin!
Putin is like the Eastern European equivalent of Paul Bunyan, mixed with a little Harrison Ford from Air Force One. If you believe the press, (though maybe you shouldn’t) Putin puts down tigers for kicks. In an era where politicians are careful to kiss every baby for fear of PC reprisal, Putin invited the Russian press out to photograph him fighting children. If President Red Dawn is scared, then soft and jolly Santa is likely hunched behind his couch right now, desperately clutching a fire poker, with the numbers ‘9’ and ‘1’ entered into his phone - his fat fingers hovering nervously above the last ‘1,’ just to cut down on the time it takes to dial.
Santa Claus was in New York last month, piloting a horse-drawn carriage full of toys and candy which he handed out to passing children. New York police, noting all the charity and selflessness inherent in the situation, got into the Giving Spirit themselves - they gave him a ticket for double-parking his sleigh.
Pro Tip: Never google search “Santa” and “handcuffs.” Do not take Rule #34 lightly.
Now, true, the hopes and dreams of children aren’t good enough reasons to impede New York traffic, but even after the story broke nationally threatening a PR disaster, the police refused to comment, and the ticket still stands. New Yorkers are rather infamous for being a no-nonsense kind of people, but honestly guys - when you start handing out demerits to fairy tales for spontaneous acts of merriment, I think it’s time to scale back on the regime a bit. Next thing you know you’ll be fining the Tooth Fairy for breaking and entering, ticketing the Easter Bunny for littering, and detaining the Great Pumpkin for indecent exposure and public drunkenness. Actually, the last one might be fair – that guy’s been having some problems lately.
Pro Tip: Never google search anything. Seriously, fuck you Rule #34.
In 1927, four men stole roughly 12,000 dollars from the first national bank of Cisco, Texas – one of them dressed in a Santa Claus costume. The men fled the scene on foot using two little girls as human shields, and in the ensuing gun fight (this is Texas, after all, you think the lives of a couple little girls is gonna stop a good ol’ fashioned shoot-out?) killed two police officers before finally escaping.
Shoot and you hit the girls! Shoot and you’ll hit the god damn girls, pigs!
They were eventually caught, and the one dressed as Santa Claus, Marshall Ratliff, was incarcerated at the Eastland County Jail. Fed up with all this “judicial system” bullshit, a mob of Texans broke into the jail, dragged Ratliff out into the street and lynched him. This left a bit of awkward explaining to do the next day when they had to tell their children that yes, Virginia, there was a Santa Claus… but he shot two men and daddy had to hang him from a lamp-post until he was dead. Also, daddy’s not entirely sure, but he thinks they may have gotten a little drunk afterwards and beaten Frosty the Snowman half to death with a broken mop handle. Sorry honey. He was probably a rapist or something, anyway.
Shh, Santa’s got a secret…he hates black people.
This past weekend, a group of Santa Clauses in Norwich, England got involved in a knock-down, drag-out bar brawl with some other local tavern goers, ultimately leaving two men in the hospital for head trauma. The crime log made particular importance of the brawl due to the fighters’ ethnicity, noting that “one of the groups were all dressed as Father Christmas,” while “the other group were described as being of dark-skinned African or Asian appearance.” Just…holy shit, how white is your town when your crime blotters’ listed suspects are either:
A.) Dark-skinned African, or
B.) Asian.
These are not similar descriptions, friends. When a police report is describing some suspects as “either black or some kinda Chinese,” that’s officially time to diversify. Do they have affirmative action for entire towns? In Norwich’s defense, however, it should be noted that the attackers did have the best of intentions: They were just dreaming of a white Christmas. Can I get a rimshot? No?
What are you black, Chinese, or just lazy? Step it up, Ching Chong, Santa’s got places to be.
Normally Santa takes presents to your children, but in Augusta Georgia, Santa takes your children as presents. A man named Michael Barton was standing outside of a convenience store, dressed in a Santa Claus suit and taking photos with the local children, when the Morris family drove up. Their youngest went to take a photo with Santa as the family headed toward the store, and when they turned back around, Santa was gone…with their daughter.
For Santa? You shouldn’t have!
Barton had asked the little girl if she’d like to “meet Rudolph” and - thank God for small miracles - he was actually referring to the reindeer this time; he had a stuffed animal of Rudolph sitting in the sidecar of his motorcycle. Barton then pushed the girl into the sidecar and took off down the highway at 80MPH, with her father in hot pursuit. Eventually Mr. Morris caught up with Barton, pulled him over, and took his daughter back. Later, when authorities asked why he’d done it, seeing as how he’d had no prior criminal record, Barton explained that he just “got caught up in Santa-mode.”
Seriously, dude?
What fucking version of Santa Claus is so hardcore crazy that, in order to properly emulate him, you need to steal somebody’s daughter and start a high speed chase on a motorcycle?
Oh, right…
This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 24th, 2008 at 9:23 am and is filed under Christmas, Crime, Slander. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
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September 17th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Ded Moroz means Father Christmas in Russian
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:54 am
Blogroll links aint that great
but i am not the admin
June 30th, 2009 at 11:29 am
BriantheBrain -
The guy that dressed as Santa and murdered his family: That didn’t happen in Omaha, NE (as I live in the area), it happened in Covina, CA.
Here’s the link:
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2008560960_shoot26.html
May 17th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Sort of feel the need to say something, sorry. I’m sure the Santas in #2 were exceptionally racist, like a lot of British people, but…
The british legal system has different identification labels for ethnic groups. “Dark-skinned african” is to differentiate between “White Africans”, of which there are a surprising number due to SA’s status as a commonwealth country. “Asian” refers to people from the subcontinent, i.e. Indians or Bangladeshi, rather than Japanese/Chinese/etc., which are referred to as Oriental or by their country of heritage.
So basically, they were saying that they were dark-skinned of some variety. Still exceptionally racist, but not ridiculously and comedically LAPD-ish.
January 29th, 2009 at 2:40 am
concerned Says: “how come black people always make jokes about white people but dont come off as racists? Can anyone anwer this?”
Oh, but they do come off as racist. And we do indeed notice.
Makes more sense to just nod or pretend to get the “joke” or whatever and remember who the bigoted mofooger is than to just complain. Think it through.
January 18th, 2009 at 3:57 am
In England Asian means someone from the Indian Sub-continent, not someone from the Far East.
So “Dark-skinned African or Asian” is not that as strange a statement as you think :p
January 8th, 2009 at 12:26 am
I think you left out a guy in Omaha, Nebraska who, at a family gathering on Christmas, walked into a house full of 25 people dressed as Santa Claus, went on a shooting spree, and set the house on fire, ultimately killing nine people. He fled, tried to change his clothes to be less identifiable, realized the fire had melted his Santa suit to his skin, and shot himself.
January 3rd, 2009 at 8:34 am
I know you’re pretty much just trolling, and your description of russian santa being like iceman’s evil twin mixed with an evil magician of some sort, but the russian word “Ded” means “Grandfather”, and “Moroz” means “Blizzard”.
RAWR HE IS THE BLIZZARD INCARNATE RAWR
January 1st, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Is Russia’s Ded Moroz anyKin To Jason’Mr A-Z’Mraz??
I Grew Up In south Texas With a Bunch of Bohunks
and While I Knew a Few Muras’s;Masek’s;Vrana’s and Even
Pospisil or Two,I Never Knew Ded Moroz!!
December 31st, 2008 at 10:17 am
how come black people always make jokes about white people but dont come off as racists? Can anyone anwer this?
December 30th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Miggie, you are a self-assuming asshole.
I feel better, now.
December 29th, 2008 at 6:01 am
On the whole dark-skinned africans or asians note: In England, they call Indians Asians, beause India is a part of Asia, and Indians are generally dark-skinned, also, indonesians, and some other asian races have quite dark skin.
Maybe Santa’s not the only one who’s racist.
Also on a kind of funny note, my boyfriends dad told him that “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas” was the South African National Anthem when he was 6 (during the aparthiedt), and he got up, and presented it as an assignment to his mostly Australian Aboriginal kindergarten class. (My boyfriend has Blond hair and blue eyes).
December 28th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Horace,
No matter how far we drift apart, we will always have choking on cocks.
It’s like our song.
December 28th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Yes, that is the only possible reason. It’s not possible that the ‘arthur’ chose to make a joke instead of strictly maintaining accuracy in his Queen’s English; it’s that he’s American and ignorant.
But at least he can spell ‘author,’ retard.
December 28th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Remember the arthur is American and does not know that India is on the continent of Asia. Americans think it’s a separate continent.
December 28th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
That was funny, Brockway. Thank you.
Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.
Choke on a cock.
Best,
Horace
December 28th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Norwich is the whitest, most inbred town in England. In fact, the police report may as well have said: ’suspect has 5 fingers and a different last name to the rest of us.’
(sorry to any actual inhabitants of Norwich. Do you even have the internet yet?)
December 28th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I’ve seen this photo on ___R i c h L o v e s . c o m_______R i c h L o v e s . c o m___@@@@@. It’s a dating site for celebrities and wealthy singles. Got no idea who posted it up there. ____R i c h L o v e s . c o m___
December 27th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
In the UK, “asian” does not mean oriental, it refers to Indian/Pakistani/bangledeshi’s, of whom there are many living here. it is obviously easier to get one of these mixed up with a black guy, the thought that somebody couldnt tell the difference between a black guy and a chinese guy is pretty retarded and the author should have realised this.
December 27th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Since there are commentators mentioning the pronunciation of random words… the ded in ded moroz is pronounced more like d’yed (not like dead or died)
December 27th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Didnt the police report just state that there were Asians AND blacks in the second crowd? Like if there were a bunch and some were black and some were Asian? Why is that racist?
December 26th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Why, 716, I have no idea what you mean. I clearly, and in no uncertain terms stated that it was four in the original comment.
Have you gone some sort of unnecessarily-citing-four crazy, where you cite the number four for no apparent reason? What an odd condition.
So very, very odd…
December 26th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
@Robert Brockway:
You mean that’s FOUR already?
Ball-busting aside, you’re a funny motherfucker.
December 26th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I still have an unsettling feeling that Brockway is or was a /b/tard.
December 26th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I always assumed Glendoor was an escaped Cossack, not a prole.
December 26th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
“President Red Dawn”
Gawfaw!
December 26th, 2008 at 7:17 am
This was awesome. Easily your best column yet, well done.
December 26th, 2008 at 3:05 am
“A.) Dark-skinned African, or
B.) Asian.
These are not similar descriptions, friends”
“Asian” in Britain means South Asian, not East Asian, and as such includes people of Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Sri Lankan etc. ethnic descent, many of whom are extremely dark-skinned and may be indistinguishable from some African ethnic groups.
December 26th, 2008 at 12:44 am
I would like to submit an addition to this article. I literally went from here to CNN and found this on the front page.
I think this guy wins the title of “Most Fucked-Up Christmas Scrooge”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/12/25/santa.shooting/index.html
December 26th, 2008 at 12:36 am
Rule 34 escaped 4chan a long, long time ago. You don’t have to be /b/tard to know about it. Sorry, folks.
Also, dead does indeed rhyme with bed, Vlad - unless you consider our Western custom of dropping perfectly good letters from words to be another wasteful, arrogant practice by uncaring capitalist dogs. In which case, I apologize for the many silent ‘e’s in this post, and I will donate all future ‘k’s from both ‘know,’ and ‘knight’ to your needy Russian children from now on.
I know, I know, my charity knows no bounds. I am truly a metaphorical knight in shining armor. That’s four, already!
You’re welcome.
December 26th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Merry Christmas Brockway, Here’s to more funny articles from you in the coming new year.
I think you’re fitting in here fine.
Whether that’s a good thing or not is subjective.
December 26th, 2008 at 12:27 am
” Geez; did the KGB pee in your cornflakes”
The KGB pisses in everyone’s cornflakes or borscht or whatever the case may be.
They still do, they’ve just changed their name and you can call a leopard a Dalmatian( they both have spots) but it’s still a fucking leopard.
Now they run Russia like the Mafia on horse steriods.
December 26th, 2008 at 12:20 am
“and it isn’t pronounced like dead, but more like bed.”
I wondered about that too Canaduck, I guess where Vlad comes from they don’t rhyme. Or he’s retardd.
December 25th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
This is the Ded Moroz with his hot chick.
http://vn.vladnews.ru/img/33d58fe722cfbad3705ba7be6a3e1e57.JPG
December 25th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Vlad V.P.:
“Dead” rhymes with “bed”.
December 25th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
When I was a small boy, I had a strong desire to grow up to be Santa. He had super powers, was magic, and he was always making people happy.
Now I am a man and I have a strong desire to be Ded Moroz. Still got the super powers, still have the magic, still make Russian children happy, AND get to be a TOTAL BAMF.
December 25th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
rules 1 & 2
December 25th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Every Year in Cisco,Texas,They Recreate The Santa Claus Bank Robbery Minus The Lynching of Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick Of course!!
There’s Talk of a Movie Version of It As well!!
I Could See George Clooney;Tim Blake Nelson and John Tutorro Recreate Their Roles From”Oh Brother Where Art Thou?”as The dim Witted Bank Robbers and Professional Texan/Character Barry Corbin as The Leader Of The Vigilantes!!
And Sasha Baron Cohen as Borat’s Grandfather,The Owner of The Town’s”Jew Store”*Who Makes The sexy Time With The Wives of The Vigilantes!!
(*Jew Store Was A Term Used in The South and The West For a Dry Goods Store Ran By a Jewish Family.It Was Used Both Derogatory-Sometimes,Small Town Jewish Merchants Would Loan Money To People Who Otherwise Were Unable To Get Loans at The Bank-ie:Blacks;Latinos;Poor Whites-And Was Frowned Upon By The’Good People’-read The Town’s Elites-And As a Sense Of Pride!!After All,Neiman Marcus Started Out as a’Jew store’and Senator Barry Goldwater’s Great Great Great Grandpa Was A Polish Jewish Immigrant Who Opened a Dry Goods Store in Arizona Territory in the 1800’s!!).
December 25th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
whoa is that last pic the “russian father christmas” or a really high res screenshot from WoW.
December 25th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Maybe it was that blackinese-looking dude from the 2-Live Crew.
December 25th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Yes, Ded in Ded Moroz is actually old man/grandfather, and it isn’t pronounced like dead, but more like bed. Moroz is essentially blizzard.
And I wasn’t scared of him.
December 25th, 2008 at 7:07 am
In a re-created “Gangs of New York,” our Santa would definitely be DeCraprio to Russia’s Day-Lewis, Braques Cousteau. And hailing from right around the corner from Augusta, I assure you nothing surprises me. They filmed “Deliverance” in this state for a reason.
Also, not sure about Norwich but there seems to be a hell of a lot fewer white people than other kinds in London, which makes the inability to tell one kind of race from another even more baffling to me. People in my state are (by and large) rather uneducated, but the whites can usually tell the difference between blacks and Mexicans (the only other races here). Perhaps it’s because people in Norwich drink so much the lines blur.
December 25th, 2008 at 6:55 am
Dude, Ded Moroz is awesome (I’ll forgive the fact that he’s russian).
I’d like a present delivering patriarch symbol that I can picture taking on a balrog or atleast two dragons.
December 25th, 2008 at 6:15 am
Get the fuck back on /b/
and contribute some oc
lol it rhymes
December 25th, 2008 at 5:51 am
Robert - while you wouldn’t expect anyone to mistake an african with someone from South Asia, there’s a world of difference between not being able to tell the difference between a dark skinned Pakistani and a black man (in a bar, late at night when you’re not being expected to be tested on these things) and describing someone as “either black or some kinda Chinese”.
This is even more so in a nation like the UK where there are far more people of mixed race meaning that many of the lines of ethnicity are more blurred than they are in the US. I’m mixed race myself (half Caucasian and half Persian) and most people who see me wouldn’t be able to guess my exact ethnicity.
December 25th, 2008 at 3:58 am
Alright /b/tardism!
December 25th, 2008 at 3:46 am
Brockway actually is a /b/tard?!?! <3 <3 I guess I’ll leave Swain alone now.. meh he’s engaged anyway lol
December 25th, 2008 at 1:52 am
Quote from Charlotte
“Your country is too white”
…Racist.
December 25th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Brockway’s a /b/tard? Fucking awesome. Much like this article.
Also, get over it, English people. You’re all racists.
December 25th, 2008 at 12:45 am
wow. i live in augusta. the only thing we’re known for is the masters. and now, apparently, the rebel without a claus
December 24th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Look, UKers, stop trying to defend #2. I don’t give a shit if Asian refers to India/Pakistan in your country. If you can’t tell the difference between an African and an Indian, your country is too white.
December 24th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Why does that make more sense to everybody?
India = Africa?
I propose that that is an equally stupendous assumption. As proof, I offer this: If I had called somebody African in this article, when they were in fact Indian, exactly how many dickheads would be in the comments section right now berating me for it? It wouldn’t fly, would it?
So explain then, how does that poke a hole in anything - as so many of you are insisting?
December 24th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Way to go, Glendoor; just like using a jackhammer. Let the stomach fat do the work. BTW, tell us how you really feel about Putin. Geez; did the KGB pee in your cornflakes, or what? SOMEONE had to keep an eye on those pesky proletariats.
December 24th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
about #2: in England, they refer to people from South Asia (India, Bangladesh, that whole area) as Asian. it’s still not right, but makes a bit more sense. sorry to poke a hole in your article.
on the bright side, that pun on #1 was pretty kickass.
December 24th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
mr. brockway, you had forgotten to mention one interesting fact behind the ,russian santa dyed moroz, that he has a girl child
(granddaughter, perjaps) helping him around, her name’s snegurachka. someone forgot to mention pedophilia.
tsk. tsk. tsk.
December 24th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I wish our Santas looked like the blue guy. I mean, red with white trim is getting so old. Now THERE’S some effort!
@Darimaeus; most people who say “I hate humanity” refer to it as a whole, meaning as a species, singular individuals. And saying it usually includes themselves, at any rate, I don’t consider myself above humanity but still say it.
December 24th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Shoulod note that in the UK “Asian” means people from India/Pakistan/Bangladesh/Sri Lanka, who are usually quite dark-skinned. So #2 isn’t *that* bad.
December 24th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
the phizzle: You hate humanity? Everyone sucks except you right? Right? You are clearly the only exception.
December 24th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
FabMElous: Don’t you mean lie harder? Cos as it stands I don’t think you are cutting it at the moment.
December 24th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I once had sex under a Christmas tree. You know…trying to put some cheer back into the holiday. After reading this article I realized that I must try harder.
December 24th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
They use the term asian because ithere are too many different kinds of ethnicities in that contenent. it is easier to just use the term asian. now that fact that yo had to over think the use of this term jamila kinda shows a little bit of racisim in you. honestly if you don’t think about it then your not racist cause you have to classify people some way when it comes to police reports. and if you over think it then you are paying too much attention and are just trying to start shit to hide the fact that you yourself are a racist. as for me i just find it easier to hate everyone cause humanity in general sucks. sorry had to say it
December 24th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
That ain’t me, this is me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELol1dHjHEE
@greengoddess, Santa will do as a say if he knows what’s good for him.
December 24th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
To the asian part…
It’s called India/the Middle East, Cracked. Seriously. Asia does not just mean the light skinned north asianers. There are more parts to the world.
Racist. Had to say it.
Still a good article, though.
December 24th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
1. I somewhat doubt that the emergency services number in Russia is 911
2. In the UK, ‘Asian’ usually means South Asian (India, Pakistan, etc.) rather than East Asian as it means in the US.
December 24th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I have no idea what you’re talking about. It clearly says, right up there, and in no uncertain terms that this took place in England.
What a weird thing to say. Have you gone some sort of Pennsylvania Crazy, where you assume everything takes place in Pennsylvania? What an odd condition. Just so very, very odd…
December 24th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Dude - research. The racist Santa brawl was in Norwich, UK, not Norwich, PA. PA cops don’t tend to use the term “Father Christmas.”
Also, in the UK, “Asian” is used pretty generically - Indians? Asian. Arabs? Asian. Turks? Asian. Why specify when you’ve got 3 billion people in one continent to lump together? So basically the report was saying “one group was Santas and the other were a bunch of brown people. I don’t know - brown.”
December 24th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Watch out DOB there’s a new badass in town, and his name his Brockway!
December 24th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
All right, curiosity got the best of me and I just had to know - so I whois’ed Glendoor’s ip and did some google searching, and I actually managed to find a picture of him here.
It just…it explains so much.
December 24th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I always pictured him as looking more like Artie Lange.
MUCH more.
But whatever.
December 24th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Too bad love and peace doesn’t keep the criminals from getting a bullet put in between their eyes.
December 24th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Ded Moroz owns your soul! Mwahahaha!
December 24th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
@ Jenatcracked - Huh…my Google search gave me this (also with SafeSearch on):
http://tinyurl.com/83h29p
http://tinyurl.com/8xot9q
http://tinyurl.com/8z5awn
http://tinyurl.com/7kswbu
I dunno what you consider “not attractive”, but it’s not the worst I’ve seen…or thought about.
December 24th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
The downside of Christmas is that for a couple moments, everybody is all love and peace. People should try and be like that all year. But whatever.
That guy in the last picture is awesome. It looks like a RPG character…
December 24th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
You left off a whole group of people. You know, the ones that killed Jesus! I’m gonna go get drunk and report those people to my local authorities. Merry Christmas!!!
December 24th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
This was just great, one of the best you have writhed so far, made my day. “…that’s officially time to diversify…” Hahaha
December 24th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
As yet you don’t brock my world, but you’re getting there.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
funniest blog I’ve ever read (especially the captions) with the possible exception of #6
December 24th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Glendoor42, if you don’t keep your voice down, Santa will hear you.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Wicked funny article. Though, it’s hard to see Russia’s Jack Frost as the least bit intimdating after that MST3K episode he was the subject of.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
“id love to see that russian giant crush the corporate santa claus”
I ‘d love to see him crush Vladimir Putin, like a bug, dead, the scrape the remains off his shoe in the street and then piss on it, and then set it on fire and then piss on it again to put it out, and then just stand there and laugh at putins family.’
Fucking piece of shit KGB thug.
Merry Christmas everyone.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
This was fun. I’m not a big fan of Christmas (I don’t hate it or anything, it’s just not my favorite). The sappy-saccharine-sweetness of this time of year annoys me (why can’t we have peace and love all year ’round, fuckers?), so the supervillain angle was funny for me.
@Onodera: I’m so sorry. By the time I read your comment, it was too late.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I had slight misgivings about you, Mr. Brockway. You had big shoes to fill with Gladstone’s disappearance (more like abandonment) from Cracked.
I consider these misgivings dashed and I welcome you to the Blogging Staff.
Hilarious stuff, Brockway. Keep up the good work.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I like the ambiguous grammar of “increasingly violent street battles between Santa and Ded Moroz impersonators”, suggesting that perhaps it was actually Mr. Claus himself fighting the fake Moroz’s. Picture him shooting Christmas cheer out of his white fur power bands, felling countless buff Russians before being overtaken by their numbers.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Onodera,
You’re fucking sunk, I did it and I’m not sorry.
Everybody Else,
Ded Moroz is indeed awesome, and I highly recommend google searching him to see more variations of his big pimpin’ robes. However, the best part of this article (and one I had to glaze over a little bit,) was Gryzlov’s reason for concern: They have epic, bloody Santa/Moroz street battles! Mentally recast Gangs of New York with every character dressed as some version of Father Christmas, and that is apparently an accurate representation of life in Russia. Our holiday’s are pussies.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
This is the first time I’ve read one of your articles all the way through. I’m impressed. I like your sense of humor, (Brockway pun).
December 24th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
“…scale back the regime…”
Heh.
December 24th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Ded Moroz looks infinitely more awesome than Santa.
December 24th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
hey hey, that put me in the Christmas spirit! happy holidays Robert, great article. No elf stories, hm.
December 24th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
we’re all dreaming of a white christmas, just like the ones I used to know.
December 24th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Beautiful article, the captions matched the pics perfectly… 10/10
December 24th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
and now cracked is talking about rule 34,
the world i once lived in has not only dissappeared, it has been hacked with several axes, chewed up by a cat, set aflame, had a nice cup of tea, and then nuked…………. and…. crapped on…… by a pidgeon……. with AIDS
December 24th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Holy geez. I knew Russians were nuts, but goddamn.
@esst: I’ll give you the “accompanied by a female”, but based on my google image search (filter on!) I have to say the “hot babe” part–not so much.
December 24th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Actually, the whole dark skinned african or asian thing makes sense if you think of indians as asian. There are indians darker than a lot of africans.
December 24th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Fantastic
December 24th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Actually Ded in Ded Moroz is not his name. This word means either “grandfather” or “old man”. And he is usually accompanied by Snegurochka - a hot babe, who is supposed to be his granddaughter.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ded_Moroz
December 24th, 2008 at 11:25 am
The funny thing is that this is not the first time I’ve seen the “great pumpkin” picture. That’s a halloween costume guide on Instructables.com haha.
Christmas in Russia is like.. hardcore crazy. That’s my new phrase for the day - Thanks Cracked. ; )
December 24th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Say, what you will about the Russian Santa, but he looks awesome!
December 24th, 2008 at 11:02 am
“Nearly half the Hispanics who had lived there left.”
So… the law worked, then. The illegals went somewhere else.
December 24th, 2008 at 11:01 am
“President Red Dawn!” Awesome!
December 24th, 2008 at 10:51 am
that was hilarious
December 24th, 2008 at 10:47 am
lol @ Rule 34
December 24th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Who can blame the Russians for trying to get rid of our Santa Claus? Their Santa Claus is fucking awesome.
December 24th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I can attest to the fact that there are indeed towns in PA that are that white.
In fact, we’ve got Hazleton, which is probably one of the more extreme examples of how fucked up PA can be (from Wikipedia):
In 2006, Hazleton gained national attention as Republican mayor Lou Barletta and council members passed the Illegal Immigration Relief Act.[9] This ordinance was instituted to discourage hiring or renting to illegal immigrants. Initially, an administrative fine on landlords for $1000 per illegal immigrant rented to and a loss of permits for non-compliance has been passed.[10]Leaders from other communities across the United States have requested information on this proposal for use in their own municipalities.[11][12] Another act passed concurrently made English the official language of Hazleton.[13]
Nearly half the Hispanics who had lived there left.
December 24th, 2008 at 10:31 am
i do understand where the russians are comming from. its annoying to have your traditions pushed aside and have foriegn traditions imposed on you by another countries companies all in the name of commerce.
id love to see that russian giant crush the corporate santa claus
December 24th, 2008 at 10:00 am
I was disappointed not to see Oliver Cromwell. That guy outlawed Christmas as being insufficiently pious and detracting from the sabbath.
No wonder they dug up his corpse and cut off his head.
December 24th, 2008 at 9:58 am
I laughed.
December 24th, 2008 at 9:56 am
How about the post office discontinuing secret santa for kids because it turns out one of the “satnas” was a sex offender? thanks for ruining xmas, pedo claus.
December 24th, 2008 at 9:52 am
I hope nobody reads this comment.
December 24th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Holy crap…I don’t know what to say.
Rule 34 does indeed suck…that “Great Pumpkin” will be haunting me for a good long time.
December 24th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Amazing.
December 24th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Fucking hilarious man.