All the classic Christmas stories have a villain whose sole pleasure is the misery of children but, through the magic of the holidays, ultimately learns a lesson about love, charity, and the Spirit of Giving: The Grinch’s heart grew three sizes, Scrooge bought a Christmas goose, and Randy Quaid gave Chevy Chase a white slave. Everything worked out for the best. Real life, however, doesn’t always play so nicely. Here are six unrepentant criminals who tried to ruin Christmas, and holiday miracles be damned; they still just don’t give a fuck.
#6. Grand Theft Parade
Christmas is traditionally a time of togetherness, and what better way to ensure togetherness than to straight up steal a shit ton of other people? Well, a South Carolina man named David Allen Rogers boarded that particular Retarded Logic Train, and rode it all the way to the end of the line. On the day of his local Christmas parade, Rogers decided to ditch out on his duties ...while he was still inside the float that he was supposed to be driving.
Rogers, presumably unhappy with the admittedly boring pace of a traditional parade, broke rank, passed the float in front of him, ran a red light, and subsequently led a 3-mile long police chase … all while still towing his float full of 19 people from the local dance troupe! Various news outlets covered the story, of course, often humorously referring to Rogers as a “real life Grinch who stole Christmas.” But this comparison doesn’t exactly hold true; see, the titular Grinch stole some Christmas presents and had a change of heart when the town’s inhabitants celebrated regardless of the theft.
David Allen Rogers skipped the middleman and just stole the town’s inhabitants. Also, rather than having a change of heart when he heard their celebrations, Rogers instead got drunk and engaged in a high-speed police chase while towing the town's dance troupe around like a U-haul full of screams.
#5. The Immigration Claus
Boris Gryzlov, the speaker of the Russian Parliament, declared this month that Santa Claus was both “an illegal immigrant” in Russia, as well as an unwelcome pretender to the Christmas throne. Gryzlov went on to insist that the only fictional character qualified to distribute presents to Russian children is Ded Moroz, a local fairy tale along the lines of Father Christmas and Jack Frost. Ded Moroz, however, is less of a “jolly old Saint Nick,” figure, and more of an “intimidating wizard-hulk” who stands about nine feet tall, and has cold based super-powers. Take into account that his first name is “Ded,” and you've got less of a Santa Claus analogue, and more of a villain in a Harry Potter novel or a one-off nemesis for ‘90s-era Batman.
Gryzlov made this announcement in response to growing concerns over the clash between eastern and western values during their Christmas season. Specifically worrying him were the increasingly violent street battles between Santa and Ded Moroz impersonators. But honestly, I don’t think Russia has anything to worry about here, seeing as how Santa actors tend to be short, jolly, and overweight, while Ded Moroz is more apt to be played by professional wrestlers with anger management issues. Seriously, here’s Ded pictured with Vladimir Putin, who’s looking undeniably terrified, clearly just trying not to make eye contact with the ten foot velvet ogre next to him:
And that’s god damn Putin!
Putin is like the Eastern European equivalent of Paul Bunyan, mixed with a little Harrison Ford from Air Force One. If you believe the press, (though maybe you shouldn’t) Putin puts down tigers for kicks. In an era where politicians are careful to kiss every baby for fear of PC reprisal, Putin invited the Russian press out to photograph him fighting children. If President Red Dawn is scared, then soft and jolly Santa is likely hunched behind his couch right now, desperately clutching a fire poker, with the numbers ‘9’ and ‘1’ entered into his phone - his fat fingers hovering nervously above the last ‘1,’ just to cut down on the time it takes to dial.
#4. Fining the Christmas Spirit
Santa Claus was in New York last month, piloting a horse-drawn carriage full of toys and candy which he handed out to passing children. New York police, noting all the charity and selflessness inherent in the situation, got into the Giving Spirit themselves - they gave him a ticket for double-parking his sleigh.
Now, true, the hopes and dreams of children aren't good enough reasons to impede New York traffic, but even after the story broke nationally threatening a PR disaster, the police refused to comment, and the ticket still stands. New Yorkers are rather infamous for being a no-nonsense kind of people, but honestly guys - when you start handing out demerits to fairy tales for spontaneous acts of merriment, I think it’s time to scale back on the regime a bit. Next thing you know you’ll be fining the Tooth Fairy for breaking and entering, ticketing the Easter Bunny for littering, and detaining the Great Pumpkin for indecent exposure and public drunkenness. Actually, the last one might be fair – that guy’s been having some problems lately.
#3. Father Christmas: Copkiller
In 1927, four men stole roughly 12,000 dollars from the first national bank of Cisco, Texas – one of them dressed in a Santa Claus costume. The men fled the scene on foot using two little girls as human shields, and in the ensuing gun fight (this is Texas, after all, you think the lives of a couple little girls is gonna stop a good ol’ fashioned shoot-out?) killed two police officers before finally escaping.
They were eventually caught, and the one dressed as Santa Claus, Marshall Ratliff, was incarcerated at the Eastland County Jail. Fed up with all this “judicial system” bullshit, a mob of Texans broke into the jail, dragged Ratliff out into the street and lynched him. This left a bit of awkward explaining to do the next day when they had to tell their children that yes, Virginia, there was a Santa Claus… but he shot two men and daddy had to hang him from a lamp-post until he was dead. Also, daddy’s not entirely sure, but he thinks they may have gotten a little drunk afterwards and beaten Frosty the Snowman half to death with a broken mop handle. Sorry honey. He was probably a rapist or something, anyway.
#2. Secret (Racist) Santa
This past weekend, a group of Santa Clauses in Norwich, England got involved in a knock-down, drag-out bar brawl with some other local tavern goers, ultimately leaving two men in the hospital for head trauma. The crime log made particular importance of the brawl due to the fighters’ ethnicity, noting that “one of the groups were all dressed as Father Christmas,” while “the other group were described as being of dark-skinned African or Asian appearance.” Just...holy shit, how white is your town when your crime blotters’ listed suspects are either:
A.) Dark-skinned African, or
These are not similar descriptions, friends. When a police report is describing some suspects as “either black or some kinda Chinese,” that’s officially time to diversify. Do they have affirmative action for entire towns? In Norwich's defense, however, it should be noted that the attackers did have the best of intentions: They were just dreaming of a white Christmas. Can I get a rimshot? No?
#1. Rebel Without A Claus (I'm Sorry.)
Normally Santa takes presents to your children, but in Augusta Georgia, Santa takes your children as presents. A man named Michael Barton was standing outside of a convenience store, dressed in a Santa Claus suit and taking photos with the local children, when the Morris family drove up. Their youngest went to take a photo with Santa as the family headed toward the store, and when they turned back around, Santa was gone…with their daughter.
Barton had asked the little girl if she’d like to “meet Rudolph” and - thank God for small miracles - he was actually referring to the reindeer this time; he had a stuffed animal of Rudolph sitting in the sidecar of his motorcycle. Barton then pushed the girl into the sidecar and took off down the highway at 80MPH, with her father in hot pursuit. Eventually Mr. Morris caught up with Barton, pulled him over, and took his daughter back. Later, when authorities asked why he’d done it, seeing as how he’d had no prior criminal record, Barton explained that he just “got caught up in Santa-mode.”
What fucking version of Santa Claus is so hardcore crazy that, in order to properly emulate him, you need to steal somebody’s daughter and start a high speed chase on a motorcycle?
You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, but now that he's accused Santa Claus of everything from pedophilia to murder - you probably won't.