10 Christmas Decorations That Will Haunt Your Dreams
Christmas is a holiday for celebrating community, families, and Lexus dealers, but what about the people who don't fit nicely into society? What about all the people who stay socked away in cellars, who dread human contact, who are so emotionally broken that they spend the holiday alone, like some kind of ... well, like Santa Claus, actually? Do they even celebrate Christmas?
The answer is a resounding yes, and the following Christmas decorations are a testament to that fact. Even the psychopaths and the serial killers apparently make time between pulling the legs off insects and fashioning skin suits to celebrate the holidays. Here's the proof ...
Naked Deformed Santa Claus
"Oh good, children, you're here! Come, help me build this snowman. Hold on a tick, you know the rules. You'll need to strip naked first. Like me! Quickly now, the sun is going down. When we're finished, we can all go inside for some warm milk from one of my five nipples. You're all doing very w- Oh, what's this? Mistletoe? Uh-oh, what's it doing here, right here over my head? C'mon, children, you know the rules. YOU KNOW THE GODDAMN RULES. Ho ho ho! You're not going to tell your parents about me, are you?"
Here's a little tip we'd like to pass on to the good people who make Christmas decorations: You're free to interpret Santa Claus any way you like, but the minute you give his eyes their own voltage, you're going to lose a lot of people. And if you decide to make those eyes protrude like an insect's from his face while illuminated, you're no longer building a festive trinket -- now you're building a nightmare. Oh, he sees you when you're sleeping, all right.
It's also unnerving that so much detail went into the face, yet the body is a dislocated, lumpy mess at best, like the thin disguise of an alien pretending at human merriment and barely holding it together. "This is what our species enjoys, correct? We are filled with giving, and nine pints of blood, and festive cheer."
And don't think that removing the bulbs can solve the problem, either ...
Fa-la-la-la-la, la la laaaAAAAAHHHH!
Gold-Suited Drunken Santa
Hey, remember when your grandfather sort of dressed up as Santa Claus and then collapsed on the kitchen floor and wept all night on Christmas Eve before he went to rehab? Well, now you can immortalize that version of Santa for generations to come with this bobble-head doll! The costume is complete with a sagging gold tracksuit, just like your grandfather's, and the stain in the crotch from where he soiled himself.
The attention to detail is unrelenting, right down to his hands clenched in self-hatred as he slouches over and tries to remember all the bad decisions that led to this point. Now you can spend every Christmas Eve watching his head sway over his heap of a broken body, just like it did that night you sang Christmas carols to him in the desperate hope that it would make him fall asleep.
"Who's got a big red cherry nose?"
"Santa's gole a berdo rancher ose."
"Who laughs this way HO HO HO?"
Buy it on eBay!
Grinning Clown Head
Apparently they do Christmas differently in Germany. They seem to be just fine with lazy-eyed clown heads supplying a healthy dose of creepy, but they absolutely won't stand for noses. No, noses would be an insult to Christmas. We've stared at this ornament for over an hour, and there's absolutely no way that's anything other than a clown with its nose cut off and a thin stream of blood leaking down into its mouth.
Most unnerving of all, he really seems to be enjoying it. That clown is absolutely psyched that he no longer has to deal with nose-related problems. These ornaments are apparently only for people who want to turn their tree into a celebration of torture, and if you don't believe us, here's another one from the same manufacturer, which features a skinless face.
If you say its name in Aramaic, it opens the Hellmouth.
If you ever see these on a Christmas tree at someone's house, get up very slowly and leave, because that person has put strychnine in the eggnog.
Hellspawn Santa Claus Candy Dish
It may surprise you to learn that this is not, in fact, supposed to be the eyeless head of a hobo. No, what you're looking at is a candy dish in the likeness of Santa Claus created by someone who absolutely witnessed a murder as a child and never found a way to process it. To this container's credit, we can't think of a better way to make children hate candy than this rotten-toothed monstrosity. Every single thing about this decoration, from the absent eyes to the rusted-out wire (for convenient hanging from the meat hooks in your living room), feels like it's competing to be the most terrifying aspect, and somehow they're all winning.
Finally, a Christmas decoration that has aged in exact tandem with your own slow disenchantment with the holiday. What was probably a perfectly normal-looking Santa doll three decades ago has entropied into an eerily accurate depiction of St. Nicholas finding out that no one believes in him anymore and that Christmas has become more of a hassle than a celebration.
The pure disappointment on his face is palpable, and to make matters worse, this decoration doubles as a piggy bank.
Luckily, he can still get work as a Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot.
That means Santa Claus has no choice but to haul money in his sack, the same sack that once held the desires and hopes of children and now only holds the physical manifestation of greed. For everyone who complains that the spirit of Christmas has been lost, we can't imagine a more perfect mascot to represent your sadness, and it can be yours for only $18.
Crawford the Snowman
At first glance, this is almost cute. A snowman with string-bean limbs, a giant head, and a nervous smile is sort of adorable. But counteracting all of that is the atrocity sticking out of the middle of his face. The length, the list to the right, and the general floppiness of that carrot are all unsettling. We can't quite put our finger on it, but this looks familiar, and if you're shouting "It's a dick!" at your computer screen, then you need to find somebody who will drive you to a hospital, right now.
No, it looks like something much more upsetting and vile ...
Oh, that's right, it looks like a sea worm crawling into the face of an animal carcass to feed. Those dead, placid eyes on the snowman only further our suspicion that we're actually looking at a worm frantically burrowing into the brain of a cartoon character. So good luck seeing anything else now, and merry Christmas!
When Tim Burton's animated models do not turn out as expected, his wrath is terrifying to behold.
Uncanny Valley Santa
The creator of this festive holiday decoration has the courage to ask, "What would a wincing sex doll version of Santa Claus look like?" Unfortunately, the answer was far sadder than anyone could have imagined. That's clearly the face of a decoration that doesn't want to exist, cursing its immobility and praying that someone would accidentally brush too hard against the rocking chair on which it sits, catapulting it into the fireplace and ending the misery.
Of all the decorations on this list, this one is the most honest approach to what Santa would actually look like. Not because the flesh tones and the hair are more real-looking, but because those are definitely the eyes of an immortal man, a man who has seen all the travesties in human history and watched everyone he loves grow old and die. The dead stare of pained disbelief is exactly what children would see if they actually caught Santa coming down the chimney.
We might be hazy on Christmas facts, but we're pretty sure that if we counted all the animals in the Nativity, we wouldn't stumble across a trumpet-playing baboon we never noticed before. Particularly one wearing an ascot and lace doilies around its ankles. But hands down, the weirdest part of this ornament is that whoever created it clearly couldn't decide if they wanted to make a monkey or a human and finally just settled on both. Not since The Island of Doctor Moreau has there been an animal/human hybrid we've wanted to see less than this little creature.
No amount of charming velvet and tiny buttons is going to offset the fact that it's draped over an eerily euphoric were-baboon. If you ever receive this as a gift, it's probably best to hide it on the back of the tree, or, if you have one, at the bottom of your garbage disposal. It's the only way you can be certain that you won't wake up with it sitting on your pillow in the middle of the night.
THIS IS NOT A LION
The website selling this thing claims that this is a baby lion. What we're seeing is a lipsticked mutant baby that is part lion, part reptile, and suffering from smallpox. It's a never-born creature that never should have had its first breath, smoking a pipe filled with the tears of innocents and the lost dreams of dying men. Because THIS IS CHRISTMAS.
There were more contributors to this article than could fit on a byline, and you can find more from each of them by clicking their names: Adam Wears, Brittany Renee Hall, Tracy V, Raoni Lacerda, and Kelly Stone.
For more people making the holiday a little less cheerful, check out 6 Real Life Supervillains of Christmas and The 5 Most Unintentionally Creepy Christmas Albums.