Be honest: How many Olympic events do you actually enjoy watching as sports, versus just rooting for your country? Most of us watch the Olympics just to be a part of it, the same reason lots of non-football fans watch the Super Bowl. There is no reason it needs to be like this; there are plenty of sports out there that could be added to the game to spice them up. And we're talking about real sports here, not the game of flamethrower tag we tried to get them to add last time.
What We Have Now:
Volleyball. Eh, it's OK. It does seem like, in order to get anyone to watch it, they're having to dress the players in suspiciously ass-focused uniforms. Isn't there some way to crank up the excitement on this shit?
The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:
Sepak takraw, aka a flying spin-kick version of volleyball:
That ball is about to kill more sperm than a whole box of condoms.
It's been played in Malaysia for hundreds of years, and its popularity spread throughout Asia when they realized that there was nothing more fun than spinning in the air to kick a tiny ball no bigger than a hacky sack into the opposing team's court. It's the kind of sport they would play in the goddamned Matrix.
Also, to play it you can't technically have a skeleton.
There's also just three people on each team, because you need extra room to go flying across the court to dropkick the ball without accidentally kicking a teammate's head off his shoulders. It's like break dancing in the air, except instead of jumping to the music you've memorized, it's to the speeding ball coming at you at 2,000 MILES AN HOUR (estimated). The point is, it's really, really, really, really hard.
Which might not be the right word to use with all those crotches on the screen.
Malaysia's prime minister tried to make this an Olympic sport a few years ago, but the proposal didn't really go anywhere. Are they afraid of sepak takraw? Good. They should be.