6 Insane Sports That Could Be in the Next Olympics
Sure, we were inspired when Michael Phelps broke every world record ever despite a presumably painful condition that causes him to shit gold medals. But take a look down the roster of Olympic events and you'll see those ... other sports. The ones that draw crowds with less energy and a higher concentration of parents than a 5 year-old's piano recital.
Luckily, there's a tier of sports-in-waiting that are "officially recognized" by the Olympic Committee and could be added at any time. Here are six that make us wonder what the hell they're waiting for:
#6.
Rotorsports
If you watch some of the track and field events and think how much cooler it would be if the contestants were in helicopters, then rotorsports are for you. That's right, helicopter racing is among the sports recognized by the International Olympic Committee, but were apparently considered too awesome to include in the games. With top speeds over 200 miles an hour, it's all of the fun of Formula One racing with the added bonus of giant, spinning, metal blades of death.
Sure there's the issue of whether this is really a sport as the helicopter is doing the work, but the same argument applies to Dressage, and Olympic event which is basically slow horse dancing, where the rider does fuck all except tell the horse where to go. You decide what looks cooler:
Anytime you have fast moving machines you also get the potential for some fearsome crashes and, just like NASCAR, a lot of us would tune in just for that. The difference is that when a helicopter goes down it doesn't just crash, it also breaks apart into big, angry pieces looking to take down everyone else around it.
Tell us that wasn't more entertaining than watching some guy swim really fast.
#5.
Wushu
Wushu is a Chinese martial art that is also among the sports recognized by the IOC. Jet Li was a Wushu champion and fucking Darth Maul (Ray Park) used it. When we found out that some Wushu events like duilian involve two or more people and weapons, we wondered why the Olympics aren't made up of nothing but that.
OK, so the fighting is choreographed ahead of time. But, so is the floor exercise in gymnastics and you have to agree that watching two guys perform a scene from a Kung Fu movie right before your eyes is way more interesting than watching some dude in tight shorts do cartwheels by himself. The video up there alone should demonstrate the crazy amount of skill required to avoid getting impaled by a 4 foot-long spear.
Sure, it's easy when no one is trying to stab you in the face.
Competitors are judged on style and technique. We're not sure whether points for coming closest to death are also given but if not, they should be.
#4.
Speed Skiing
This sport was a demonstration sport in 1992 and needs to be brought back, just for the sheer ball-rattling craziness of it. Speed skiing is the second fastest non-motorized sport in the world with a world record of 156 miles an hour. The only sport where people go faster without an engine is skydiving. Yes, to go faster than these guys go on skis, you have to throw yourself out of a fucking plane.
The rules are simple, don't die and go as fast as you can, in that order, as dying is an automatic disqualification. It seems going downhill on two-10 inch wide planks twice as fast as most people will ever drive isn't insane enough because the skiers are constantly trying to find ways to gain more speed. Innovations in the sport include a shell to cover your fat ass to reduce drag and a parachute to help slow you down (or to wrap up your bloody, pulpy body after you crash).
If you want to get a sense of the sheer speeds involved here, check out the video of this skier biting it Six Million Dollar Man style.
Yeah, he appears to still be going over 100 MPH even after he's skidding along the ice on his face. When you crash at those speeds, you're actually going so fast that the friction of your suit against the snow actually causes it to melt and burn you.
That's right, because it isn't enough that you might die from fright or being thrown like a rag doll, you also have to worry about burning large areas of your body on fucking snow.
Still no pole dancing event. Really?
Replywhy can't they just do #1? all they have to do is to wear some armor made of kelvar plates... and boom.. we've got best sport ever.
ReplyOr, you know, use airsoft guns or something.
or ya'know keep shooting mannequins
If Jackson were immortal and he entered #1, he would definately win.
ReplyHe is, he is currently living underground with Teddy Roosevelt, JFK, Elvis and Darth Vader
Is speed skiing really more insane than skeleton bob?
Reply"...today's more violent society." I disagree. :)
ReplyI think the dueling would be more interesting if instead of using mannequins, they did actually shoot at each other. But with paint pellets, or some such.
ReplyThey make special combat sim. Rounds for just such a purpose actually.
im so sorry but i do think that LeCanne (Canne De Combat)is a wimpy version of arnis
Replydid the skier die?
Replythat video from the helicrash was from dutch television
Replyin the end the guy send something like: as always in flightshows there was a lot to see here, although this wasn't how it was supposed to happen
Tug of War? Are you serious? Tug of War is the stupidest sport I have ever seen. The most awesome thing about it is the name.
Reply"Tug" makes you think of jacking off and "War" makes you think of f**kING WAR. So it is THE WAR OF f**kING JACKING OFF then you find out it's just some gay thing where you pull on a rope.
As for dueling pistols, paintball is a much better method of simulated murder, and much more fun and cooler because YOU ACTUALLY SHOOT PEOPLE.
except that getting covered in purple paint makes you look like a downs syndrome clown.
Better make it yellow then.
Why are these not in the olympics now! WTF!
ReplyIn fact, lets add a few of them together, such as rotorsports, wushu and dueling pistols.
We have tow helicopters shooting the crap out of each other while martial artists jump between the two vehicles jumpkicking the crap out of each other. Great idea? or GREATEST idea?
greatest...period...
We may have to discover a new word for that... Wondergrandtastic perhaps?
Instead of shooting at mannequin, why not have the competitors shoot each other, with paintball or bb gun? It will be a test of nerve.
ReplyOh, hey, somebody else already wrote the same thing below. Listen to that IOC!
No, you people telling awaring1 to shut up should shut the f**k up yourselves. I know this is a humour site, and this is as normal, a great article. However I have to second him/her that Dressage is NOT easy. Why don't some of you wankers have a try? I've been riding for years, and for me to merely ATTEMPT dressage would be laughable. The horse has to be perfect, and the rider has to be incredibly skilled. I don't know much about the specifics of it, but it's a ridiculous claim that "the rider does f**k all except tell the horse where to go". (S)He would have to work incredibly hard to get the horse to do everything correctly, and by correctly, particularly in the Olympics, it would have to be FAULTLESS. Anyone can sit on a horse, but only a very few people could ever hope to compete at Olympic level dressage. TBH I think non riders would do far better at "Rotor-sports". No. It's just not an Olympic sport.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliessilly dressage people.
it's like synchronised swimming isn't it? no matter how challenging it is to be good at it, people won't respect you.
Jousting should be in the olympics...
Not to jump on the "Dressage sucks" band wagon but despite what you say, doesn't it still just boil down to just having to tell the horse where to go and what to do? I realize that takes an incredibly amount of skill and talent. And everything has to be perfect, but don't try to cover it up: it's still just a rider controlling a horse.
As a good metaphor, cooking is really only adding ingredients together and applying heat to make something edible, but people go to school for years to turn it into an art form that would put your Mom's home cooking to shame (NOT supposed to be a "yo Momma" joke).
Also, no, not ANYONE can sit on a horse.
And yes, Jousting should be in the olympics. I would LOVE that!
Yeah, I am REALLY good at jacking off but that doesn't mean I am special.
the skis are 10cm wide not 10 inches, you Americans are educated stupid, metric is the true system and there are 4 days in each rotation of the earth
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Why not shoot at each other as an Olympic event? We have high-speed cameras, kevlar vests, face shields, rubber bullets; it can be perfectly safe and still awesome.
Replybecause something's gauranteed to go wrong. YOu've heard of Murphy's Law?
The picture at the top of the dueling pistols entry was in my 8th grade social studies text book, in the section about Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.
Replyhehe, the guy below makes dressage sound like sex.
Replyalright dude we get it. u didnt have to write a fuckin essay on a humor site about talkng about riding a fuckin horse. that first paragraph...no...maybe the first sentance was neccesary to get ur point across. please note that the feature is "submit comment" not
Reply"sumbit essay/article" it was a little potshot at a sport about riding a fuckin horse. every sports is hard in its own way. omg theres more of u as i scroll down! although urs is the longest and frankly the most annoying. u also cuda skipped the middle part nd just added that ending part about not talking shit. but ya everything else was useless
For anyone who says dressage is a not a sport (especially whoever wrote this article) you have obviously NEVER BEEN ON A HORSE. Even people who do a touristy trail rides will admit they they are sore the day after, and that is just from sitting on a walking horse.
ReplyLet's for a minute not even consider the extreme amount of skill needed to perform in dressage. Yes, you tell the horse where to go, but you also tell it exactly where each one of it's hooves will fall and at what time. Every single aspect of its movement, from the length of its stride to the length of it's neck, is controlled by YOU. It takes both extreme metal ability and control of the body. You need to be able to have featherlight manipulation of the reins (two different reins in each hand, mind you)but you also must apply 30+lbs of pressure with each leg at varying intervals. All of course while while driving with your back (while keeping it soft) keeping your eyes up, thumbs up, leg back and still and sitting deep
Undoubtedly that requires much skill, but I think you'll have a hard time making your "dressage is cool" argument to any sort of audience on the internet.