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6 Insane Sports That Could Be in the Next Olympics

By Son Tran August 20, 2008 435,488 views
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Sure, we were inspired when Michael Phelps broke every world record ever despite a presumably painful condition that causes him to shit gold medals. But take a look down the roster of Olympic events and you'll see those ... other sports. The ones that draw crowds with less energy and a higher concentration of parents than a 5 year-old's piano recital.

Luckily, there's a tier of sports-in-waiting that are "officially recognized" by the Olympic Committee and could be added at any time. Here are six that make us wonder what the hell they're waiting for:

#6.
Rotorsports

If you watch some of the track and field events and think how much cooler it would be if the contestants were in helicopters, then rotorsports are for you. That's right, helicopter racing is among the sports recognized by the International Olympic Committee, but were apparently considered too awesome to include in the games. With top speeds over 200 miles an hour, it's all of the fun of Formula One racing with the added bonus of giant, spinning, metal blades of death.

Sure there's the issue of whether this is really a sport as the helicopter is doing the work, but the same argument applies to Dressage, and Olympic event which is basically slow horse dancing, where the rider does fuck all except tell the horse where to go. You decide what looks cooler:

Anytime you have fast moving machines you also get the potential for some fearsome crashes and, just like NASCAR, a lot of us would tune in just for that. The difference is that when a helicopter goes down it doesn't just crash, it also breaks apart into big, angry pieces looking to take down everyone else around it.

Tell us that wasn't more entertaining than watching some guy swim really fast.

#5.
Wushu

Wushu is a Chinese martial art that is also among the sports recognized by the IOC. Jet Li was a Wushu champion and fucking Darth Maul (Ray Park) used it. When we found out that some Wushu events like duilian involve two or more people and weapons, we wondered why the Olympics aren't made up of nothing but that.

OK, so the fighting is choreographed ahead of time. But, so is the floor exercise in gymnastics and you have to agree that watching two guys perform a scene from a Kung Fu movie right before your eyes is way more interesting than watching some dude in tight shorts do cartwheels by himself. The video up there alone should demonstrate the crazy amount of skill required to avoid getting impaled by a 4 foot-long spear.


Sure, it's easy when no one is trying to stab you in the face.

Competitors are judged on style and technique. We're not sure whether points for coming closest to death are also given but if not, they should be.

#4.
Speed Skiing

This sport was a demonstration sport in 1992 and needs to be brought back, just for the sheer ball-rattling craziness of it. Speed skiing is the second fastest non-motorized sport in the world with a world record of 156 miles an hour. The only sport where people go faster without an engine is skydiving. Yes, to go faster than these guys go on skis, you have to throw yourself out of a fucking plane.

The rules are simple, don't die and go as fast as you can, in that order, as dying is an automatic disqualification. It seems going downhill on two-10 inch wide planks twice as fast as most people will ever drive isn't insane enough because the skiers are constantly trying to find ways to gain more speed. Innovations in the sport include a shell to cover your fat ass to reduce drag and a parachute to help slow you down (or to wrap up your bloody, pulpy body after you crash).

If you want to get a sense of the sheer speeds involved here, check out the video of this skier biting it Six Million Dollar Man style.

Yeah, he appears to still be going over 100 MPH even after he's skidding along the ice on his face. When you crash at those speeds, you're actually going so fast that the friction of your suit against the snow actually causes it to melt and burn you.

That's right, because it isn't enough that you might die from fright or being thrown like a rag doll, you also have to worry about burning large areas of your body on fucking snow.

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173 Comments

The picture at the top of the dueling pistols entry was in my 8th grade social studies text book, in the section about Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.

11/4/2009 3:55:19 PM
Dr.

hehe, the guy below makes dressage sound like sex.

10/25/2009 5:30:54 PM
Edgarska

alright dude we get it. u didnt have to write a f****n essay on a humor site about talkng about riding a f****n horse. that first paragraph...no...maybe the first sentance was neccesary to get ur point across. please note that the feature is "submit comment" not
"sumbit essay/article" it was a little potshot at a sport about riding a f****n horse. every sports is hard in its own way. omg theres more of u as i scroll down! although urs is the longest and frankly the most annoying. u also cuda skipped the middle part nd just added that ending part about not talking s**t. but ya everything else was useless

10/17/2009 8:48:31 PM
doomedelk

For anyone who says dressage is a not a sport (especially whoever wrote this article) you have obviously NEVER BEEN ON A HORSE. Even people who do a touristy trail rides will admit they they are sore the day after, and that is just from sitting on a walking horse.

Let's for a minute not even consider the extreme amount of skill needed to perform in dressage. Yes, you tell the horse where to go, but you also tell it exactly where each one of it's hooves will fall and at what time. Every single aspect of its movement, from the length of its stride to the length of it's neck, is controlled by YOU. It takes both extreme metal ability and control of the body. You need to be able to have featherlight manipulation of the reins (two different reins in each hand, mind you)but you also must apply 30+lbs of pressure with each leg at varying intervals. All of course while while driving with your back (while keeping it soft) keeping your eyes up, thumbs up, leg back and still and sitting deep and quiet. No one is allowed to notice you doing any of this, by the way.

If you want to talk about physical demands of the rider, let me describe what it takes to ride a horse correctly. For a rough imitation of dressage, stand up and move your pelvis in the shape of a star while keeping the rest of your body still. This is vaguely similar to following a horses motion. Next, thrust your hips forward rhythmically while tightening your abs. This motion mimics a small fraction of the work needed to effectively sit the trot/canter. Do this for an hour or more. For a more complete picture, put a pilates ring/yoga ball between your calves (while continuing the hip motion) and squeeze it tightly for an hour. This is only a small portion of dressage.

For imitating jumping a horse (a part of 3-day eventing, another equine Olympic sport) balance yourself on the balls of your feet off of the edge of a stair. Now bend your knees slightly into a squat and drop your weight into your heels. Add in squeezing the ring/ball between your calves and see how long you last. Welcome to jumping.

If there is ANY reason for dressage not being in the Olympics it is for the possible biases in the judging. You see the same with diving, gymnastics and ice skating.

Yes, you see older people riding dressage. This is because the skills required to reach that level take YEARS and unlike gymnastics many people do not start their children in intense training routines when they are 5.

So yeah, in short, don't start slinging s**t about a sport which you OBVIOUSLY know nothing about. I know this is a humor site but I would like think you would want to maintain even a shred of credibility in your words.

9/19/2009 7:10:49 PM
awaring1

whacking balls like golf or tennis are not olympic

9/15/2009 5:19:47 PM
WOLFPOET

i like the dueling pistols idea, however instead of using rreal pistols and manequins why not use paintball guns and/or air soft guns with 2 people facing off just like the good old days dammit and possibly some facial coverage...just possibly

8/28/2009 10:23:31 PM
XxGofigurexX

Russian Roulette anyone?

5/11/2009 6:01:44 PM
ryall

So, nut shots aren't allowed in Cannes de Combat? f**k! Three years of training down the toilet!

And it's N-A-I-V-E! Don't insult someone else's mentality without at least grade school knowledge of the English language. I try not to rip on other posters, but I'm pulling a f**k all like an equestrian.

5/11/2009 12:57:05 PM
pelcurus

I have to say that this article mad me a little angry because in riding a horse there is no point in time at which you are doing f**k all, you know why because if you did f**k all your would probably get your f*****g ass kicked by the 3000 pound draft mare you are riding.
nieve people like this really piss me off, yes i agree that dressage is boring and probably not at all exciting for people who do not understand the sport to watch but that does not give anyone the right to bash it. i love cracked and all, jeez. i challenge anyone who doesn't believe me to sleep with a dressage rider and then tell me that she does f**k all. ;)

btw Wushu would be f*****g awesome, do that s**t up.

5/10/2009 4:36:26 PM
spd1311

Also Rotorsports REALLY needs to be included, just to encourage other people to take it up. And if they flew through giant flaming hoops and landed on monster trucks driven by strippers then so much the better.

5/10/2009 9:35:42 AM
Doctorchaos

Yep, there are heaps of awesome sports out there begging for a place in the Olympics, and a shitload that should be taken quietly out the back and shot - I'm looking at you Ping Pong. How many ancient greek Gods are writhing in their graves because of you? ALL OF THEM!!!!

5/10/2009 9:33:28 AM
Doctorchaos

Maybe if they used rubber bullets...

Or real bullets, it is all in the name of the game!

(When I first saw this, I could swear gaming would pop up somewhere in this list)

4/6/2009 5:37:12 PM
bamman62

paintball duelling pistols? nah 9mm is good.. isnt that right frank? ...frank?

4/3/2009 6:48:30 PM
Roflchopper

lol that would be so awesome if they brought dueling pistols back to the olympics. but rather than shooting at mannequins they should shoot at eachother....i would watch the olympics if they had that there..

4/3/2009 4:32:24 PM
Battery

all of those sports sound awesome...except the dueling pistol thing

4/3/2009 7:22:02 AM
yesbutnotyou

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4/1/2009 6:39:36 PM
fulllovegirl

I have to say as a rider dressage is my least favourite of the equestiran sports, but it definetly is not easy.
1-the horse weighs like, 800-1000 pounds more than you,
2-the sitting trot hurts like f**k
3-if you guys think the rider is doing f**k all, that's what it's supposed to look like so I guess they're doing their job.
4-riding a horse like that is like, 80% on the way you use your entire leg muscles, butt muscles and abs to influence the horses movement, so it's sort of like aerobics and an unfit, untalented jackass who tries to ride a horse like this looks like a retarded sack of potatoes. just go on youtube and look up bad dressage or anything along those lines, you'll see more ass hats than you would have thought possible.
I do however think that dressage is not really an olympic sport, but more of an 'art' and training discepline for equestrians. I say that because the judging is more fucked than gymnastics and similar sports like that, and anything with those kinds of controversies should be kept out of the olympics symply because it's annoying.

1/26/2009 9:04:56 PM
rawr101

You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you,****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** , where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.

11/30/2008 6:08:22 AM
oscarfeng

if "dueling pistols finished second in a list of sports people would choose to bring back," then what was the first? AK-47 baseball?

11/27/2008 5:34:45 PM
mtrix534

Why not take slap fighting (read: boxing) out of the olympics and allow MMA? Boxing's popularity is dying anyway and Olympic boxing isn't even boxing anymore. It's an arm flailing competition where a judge presses a button on a Playstation controller whenever he THINKS a point may have been scored, with no way of deducting a point for an error by the scorer.

Watch some vidoes from Beijing. Guys were getting points for punches that didn't even come close to landing. All the announcers could talk about was what a joke Olympic boxing had become. Sadly, I'm not exaggerating any of this.

MMA is regulated with the same standards as boxing. And it is getting more popular by the day and it's popularity is worldwide. So why not put it in for 2012?

11/18/2008 5:03:47 AM
drew081886

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