Cracked Round-Up: A Message from Cracked's Legal Department

Over the last few weeks we've received an alarming number of requests for heavy armaments and massive quantities of narcotics. We were surprised for a little while, until we learned about the El Cracked cartel in southern Costa Rica. For the last twenty years they've run heroin, guns, counterfeit viagra- every imaginable illegal substance, from Antigua to Boston. And now they've broken into the business of underground bootleg Internet comedy. We were fine with leaving well enough alone, but they've encroached on our territory. And if there's one thing we do at Cracked, it's defend our territory.

We've air-dropped an elite force of Interns into cartel land with the expressed purpose of either putting the fight to our foes or removing themselves from the corporate payroll. Either way, we come out ahead tax-wise.


Seanbaby kicked us off with a look at the album covers white people can never pull off. Christina H went over the most common (bullshit ) arguments you hear about movies while John Cheese tackled the bullshit we all trot out when we know we're wrong. Brockway showed the future of gaming as an artform, courtesy of Kickstarter. Soren brought out the dumbest technology questions ever Googled for his Uncle Frank to answer. Luke McKinney closed us off with a list of boob-based inventions.



HOLLYWOOD LOGIC
7 Ridiculously Outdated Assumptions Every Movie Makes
It's a universal truth that the majority of people are godawful at their jobs. This applies to the people who make all our movies and TV shows, as well as that barrista who fucked up your last latte.


Notable Comment: "um...have you SEEN Modern Family ever? Two of the main cast are Columbian, and the adopted daughter in one of the families is Asian."

You're right, thestormking, Modern Family is a veritable rainbow of diversity. That's three out of, what, the five ethnicities in America?



MAD CHAUVINISM
The 5 Most Insulting Ways Products Are Advertised to Men
Madison Avenue thinks your penis is basically a big carrot on a stick. So, we guess that makes you some sort of cock-hungry burro.


Notable Comment: "Yogurt may not have a vagina, but that doesn't mean you can't have sex with it!"

Based on this post alone, we'd guess that affexion suffers from exactly four different crotch-based bacterial infections.



HARD TO KILL
The 5 Most Badass Tales of Wartime Survival
That time you hiked half a mile from the on-ramp to the 7/11 was still pretty badass though. You stay proud of those blisters.


Notable Comment: "Did a gang of goat herders led by Bear Grylls rape the author's family? Those parts got kind of distracting."

CannedFury, you'd be surprised at how many families have been raped by Bear Grylls and a gang of goat herders.



POINTLESS PANIC
5 Terrifying Killers That Turned Out to be Mass Panics
Sometimes we, the people, let our imaginations get the best of us. And by 'sometimes', we mean 'literally every conceivable situation'.


Notable Comment: "It's stuff like this that makes me deeply worried about the average person. Most of us are clearly retards."

Sadly flo, in this case 'most of us' means 'all of us'.



NATURALLY TRICKY
The 8 Most Mind-Blowing Disguises in Nature
Bank robberies would be so much more interesting if Mother Nature had issued us the really good stuff.


Notable Comment: "My sister was attacked by a tawny frogmouth when we went to the zoo. It bit her ear and stole her muesli bar, she's been scared of owls ever since. Evil bastard."

Your fear is understandable, Gaybriel, but have you considered the possibility that your sister provoked those owls? Possibly by having an un-bitten ear?





Natural Disastronauts
3 Tips for Spicing Up Your Sexless Relationship
Of course, you could always try sex.


YOU YOU YOU!
23 Modern Images as Misunderstood by Future Archeologists
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Famous Villains During Their Awkward Teenage Years, Small But Disastrous Changes to Famous Video Games, If the Real World Played by Disney Cartoon Rules and Team-Ups In Histor That Would've Changed Everything.

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