6 Extreme Sports You Won't Believe Anyone Survives
You have to kind of feel sorry for "extreme sport" practitioners. For one thing, you can't even say the name of their sport without an eye roll and a smirk, and for another, the '90s are over. If you haven't put away the Rollerblades and floppy hair by now, buddy, consider yourself the modern day version of a hippie.
But the guys in this article aren't your run-of-the-mill Mountain Dew swiggers. These guys are SO EXTREME that they just Mad Libbed random dangers together, almost like they were suicidal, but wanted to go out in the most Rube-Goldbergian way possible. That's how we wound up with ...
#6. MMA ... With Tasers
Have you ever been so pissed off that you wanted to punch a dude with a taser? Of course not. That's not even possible. Well, don't tell Michael Alexander, who decided that mixed martial arts, the current king of the fighting hill, was for pussies. So he upped the ante of a sport that already consists of two guys punching, kicking and grappling the hell out of each other by adding 3-million-volt tasers sewn into their gloves. It's called Shockfighting, and it looks like this:
If you watch that video without sound, it looks like one of the saddest MMA fights in history. The guys are just lazily jabbing at each other, occasionally throwing a kick when they get too ashamed of themselves. Ah, but then you turn the sound up and start to hear the crackles of electricity every time a hand connects.
Michael Alexander describes the sport as being the ultimate art of extreme fighting, where you "put true warriors in a ring, against each other with three million volts of electricity charging out. Winner takes all."
We're not sure what the "all" the winner takes is, as the sport is wildly illegal and there's no way guys who are willing to beat each other up with tasers are making huge profits on any road life may take them down, since society has not completely collapsed just yet.
YouTube
It's kinda hard to believe that's not right around the corner, though.
#5. Parkour ... With Huge Springs on Your Feet
No matter who you ask, it is a rare soul who will not, upon questioning, admit that parkour is kind of cool. Free running has featured prominently in movies such as Casino Royale and enough other slivers of pop culture to gain a foothold as the go-to cool urban thing. That's when the hardcore practitioners knew it was time to take it to another level. Of stupid.
How? Well, someone decided to bring equipment into a sport noted for its lack of need for any, and that is how powerbocking was born. They decided that what parkour clearly needed was freaking stilts. Actually, while we're at it, let's make them spring-heeled.
Getty
Concussions: The Sport
Now, we're the first to admit that on paper, the concept seems pretty cool. Who wouldn't want to be able to somersault over cars like Spider-Man?
Pagenfaire
"My testicles recede for days at a time after each practice."
Hell, there are even bocking pros out there who are able to make the sport seem really awesome:
Holy crap! Those guys are doing Mario jumps!
Powerbock.eu
Sproink!
But then reality and physics kick in, and you realize that the actual sport is a lot more like this:
That is, a lot of scrotum-ripping splits.
And this:
Holy shit, did that guy just kick himself on the top of the head with his stilts?
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There's no way he still knows math after a hit like that.
What we're trying to say is that there's a fine line between awesome and insane, and turning a graceful urban sport into duckwalking with $500 giant springs that amplify every little false move you make into a complete and utter full body failure, while you repeatedly attempt to backflip, is crapping all over said line.
#4. Skateboarding ... With Mini Motorbikes on Your Feet
Oh, come on. Is that a skateboard? A motorbike? A prop from an extremely low-budget apocalypse movie? A double Segway for the permanently splayed?
Ounae.com
That bikini top has us convinced of this product's safety and utility.
The apparatus in question is called, honestly, the Wheelman Bushpig (Wheelman Bushpig!), and it's a skateboard motorbike. And while it sounds like the exact thing your 12-year-old self would have a happiness-prolapse over, take a moment and watch this promotional video before reaching for your credit card:
At first, it seems like everything is dandy in the world of these happy models, riding their Bushpigs on the beach like they were auditioning for a Mad Max/Baywatch crossover. And then you start to see the little signs. The way they all wobble on the bike and strain to smile while maintaining their bodies at unnatural right angles.
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It's almost as fun as falling down the stairs.
Check out the look in their eyes as they realize they are driving a motorized vehicle that has no protection whatsoever and a blind spot of, oh, roughly 270 degrees because good luck looking around while trying to balance on that thing.
And that's the promotional video. Here's a guy attempting to perform tricks with the thing, in a video that should be titled "So Your Ankles Stole Your Woman -- A Practical Guide to Retribution."
Should you actually watch the videos and decide that this is exactly what the doctor ordered for your humdrum life, and if that doctor wasn't the deceased Dr. Kevorkian, you should be glad to know the company behind the Bushpig is a legit one. They even give their product a warranty. Of two months.
You know... It probably wouldn't work in New York, but in the windy city of Chicago, you could use those kite-jumping kites...
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ReplyOh, come on. That guy kitewing-boarding the frozen lake in the last video looks like he's having crazy-fun. While I enjoy the hell out of snowboarding the usual way, I'm not suicidal and I'd give that a try.
ReplyIt's like Jackass meets ESPN! Brilliant!
ReplyThis was fantastic! I teach English as a foreign language and I used this to make a more interesting sports lesson for my fifth graders. They ate it up (I just hope they don't tell their parents where they got the idea to run with springs on their feet). Thank you!
ReplyParkour is for morons.
Replyfree running and parkour are bad ass and awesome. Trying to do it with springy feet apparatuses is for morons.
So...you're into Parkour then?
silly goose. That's not where you do math. At most he probably lost his depth perception.
Reply"That's when the hardcore practitioners knew it was time to take it to another level. Of stupid."
ReplyCrackin' up.
Anyway, a fine line indeed, between awesome and insane, but free-running is already a fairly risky sport and, if anything, you might just be driving it deeper into the insanity realm it already belongs in. I mean, you look at the gear the stilt-spring free-runners are wearing, is it not necessary for "normal" free-running? Hardly the case, you can easily crack any number of bones in any number of places as it is. So, just a point.
Man, some of these made me really regret the fact that I live a mostly sedentary existence in front of my computer, with about the most extreme thing I do all day trying to eat a microwaved taquito before giving it time to cool off...
ReplyI had an adrenaline rush just reading this. HAHA! XD
ReplyThe last video with the porn music was a nice change from all the generic rock of the others
ReplyI shall combine all of these sports and also add nuclear material to make it even more extremeier because large amounts of drugs and alcohol. *__*
ReplyIf anything that good on bikini can ride that thing, yeah it's safe.
ReplyJust a note - Parkour and Free running are not the same.
ReplyAnd kung fu isn't karate. You learn to keep it to yourself for general audiences or risk sounding like the athletic equivalent of a trekkie.
yeah, NERD!
i havent read every one of these comments but i hope im the first one to point out (atleast in the comment section) the awesome connection they made with WHEELMAN BUSHPIG and Al Gores MANBEAR PIG! on SouthPark. i tend to devote my free time to family guy, american dad, south park, and most importantly, cracked. i love this site and every contributer to it, im too high to think of something hilarious to say so i will end it with this.
ReplyI want to say something snide but... honestly, I wish I was you.
thank you, my life is pretty fun sometimes. between drugged out stupors where my imagination runs wild and tells me i can be just like every other pilled out, psychadelic chemical dropping creative genius out there. then i write full fledged articles for cracked and hope to one day send them in when i kn0w theyre perfect. look for my most recent one, 5 reasons your grandfather hates you
I would do about 4/6 of these.
ReplyThat was freaking awesome!!!!
ReplyWhat about card games on motorcycles? It's not less than 30 times more dangerous than texting and driving drunk off of a bridge.
ReplyYou're talking about Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's, aren't you?
Yami says that the 5Ds stand for, "Don't watch it!"
The only way you didn't just contribute to several more deaths and injuries in each of these sports is if every one of Cracked's young male readers is in the same level of physical fitness that stereotypes about internet commentators would suggest. Someday, I hope to develop the upper body strength to try kite jumping myself. With luck, I may even win my very own Darwin Award, and enjoy every minute of it.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesJust remember to have your friends put it on youtube.
With all sports, it's a good idea to take lessons to minimize risk and maximize fun. Solstice Sports in Florida gives lessons - but you need a windy day. Have fun if you go.
One would need to have friends beforehand. If there was a desire to start such a sport, I doubt it comes with social skills...
and for that, we thank you.