6 Ancient Sports Too Awesome For the Modern World
It's amazing how crazy people get about sports these days, especially considering how much sports suck compared to what they used to be.
No, we're not talking about the 1940s when football players wore leather helmets. We're talking about the ancient sports where Viking rape was a trophy and "crocodile death" had its own slot on the scoreboard.
#6.
Mesoamerican Ballgame
Long before soccer (and smallpox) took pre-Columbian America by storm, the official sport of Ancient Mexico was an odd game that the Mayans called pitz. Since there is no word in the English language that can do justice to its brutality, we simply call it "The Mesoamerican Ballgame".
"I don't know what this game is or why the hell we're playing it."
The "Game"
Mesoamerican Ballgame was a lot like volleyball, except the ball involved was nine pounds of solid rubber. And there were beheadings.
Players had to keep the heavy bastard in play by bouncing it off their forearms, hips, elbows and (if you're a sissy) bats and rackets. Points were scored by striking the ball against the opponents' wall, while points were lost if the ball hit the ground more than twice.
Face blocks, while legal, cannot in good conscience be recommended.
The Mesoamericans included one final draw to wow their crowd. Either team could score an instant win by knocking the ball through an impossibly-high sideways-basketball-hoop (sort of like Quidditch with badass Mexicans).
Team Half-Lizard People are so boned.
How is that "Insane"?
Consider the post-game party: Winners would be whisked off to celebrate with some shapely Mesoamerican ladies with a penchant for body-painting, while the losing team got lead into the back and had their heads chopped off. However, there remains some discrepancy as to who actually got sacrificed: the opposing captain, the opposing players or even the winning team (since they were clearly the greater warriors). Either way, there would be blood.
"Yes."
Oh, and all those decapitated heads? Yeah... They used nine-pound balls for a reason: The entire game was just a warm-up for the post-game party favorite, head-ball.
The back room at Mesoamerican Sports Authority.
#5.
Skin-Pulling
Tug-of-war remains one of the most primal sports still played, and here's hoping it makes it into the Olympics someday. You may have tugged a rope over a pond at summer camp, or even over a pile of mud at your sister's wedding, but have you ever considered playing it over a pit of fire? The Vikings did.
The "Game"
Instead of rope, the players used animal-hides. And instead of overweight middle-schoolers in gym class, the players were Vikings.
How is that "Insane"?
Considering the Vikings' unhealthy obsession with rape, murder and fire, it was only a matter of time before somebody mixed all three into one fucked up triathlon. The result: A version of tug-of-war played over a fiery pit for the spoils of the town they had just ransacked, which included exclusive rape-rights to all the women. The winners got the plunder, and the losers got burned to death.
"They also get a copy of our home game!"
#4.
Venatio
Imagine that you're in Rome in 54 A.D. You were once a warrior of Noricum, but now you are a slave forced to perform before a crowd of screaming sociopaths who condescendingly refer to you only as bestiarius because you have been chosen (forced) to play venatio, "the Hunt."
Anyone named "Bestiarius" looks like this. It's a scientific fact.
The "Game"
In Venatio, you and your teammates must face a monster known as "the Beast of Carthage," which in modern English translates to 20 goddamn elephants.
Pictured: 20 goddamn elephants.
How is that "Insane"?
Well, in addition to having to fight a bunch of fucking elephants suffering from extreme separation anxiety, every slave knew it was the deadliest gladiatorial game with maybe a two percent chance of survival. The Romans, fueled by their hatred of Hannibal, played this game so frequently that they drove the North African elephant to extinction.
"Bring me more elephants! I have some friends coming over to play Venatio."
‘How is that "Insane"?’
ReplyWhat a dumbass question.
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ReplyI challenge you to a round of the fisherman's joust. Meet me at the docks at 1AM
My avatar is JackPearl 's second for this duel
Number 3 is bad@$$. Also, The Road to El Dorado got The Ball Game wrong then since the game wasn't over when one of the players executed that miracle shot through the hoop. Unless it was a variation of it.
ReplyIs the upside down guy in the pankration statue grabbing the other guy's ball sac? Dude, not cool! Not cool at all!
ReplyThat last picture is in my AP World History textbook.. O.o
ReplyEPIC FAIL if you killed your opponent in the pankration you would win the match
ReplyI'd bang the discount dance supply girl.
ReplyGod I say that every time I see that ad...
Thank God it's not just me.
If sports were still like this, I would never again complain about the outrageous salaries of pro athletes.
ReplyI think we need to bring some of these sports back. Two words: Population control. :)
ReplyFour more words - Only if you're volunteering.
BAhahahahahahaha! And can we get Junior Pankration? Obviously, they'd keep their clothes on. We're not monsters.
"Greek Fire" is how I describe my bowel movements after visiting some restaurants...
ReplyI bet you misfire it alot
I lost the game -__-
ReplyRomans didn't have Greek Fire, the Byzantines did. A civilization that resulted from splitting the Roman empire in two. And they didnt use them in games, they used it to kill Ottomans who richly deserved their fiery fates for repeatedly attempting to invade a land that didn't belong to them.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYes! You are so right! Also, naumachia is Greek not Latin.
I agree that naumachia is Greek not Latin (Because the Romans spoke Latin) but the Byzantine empire was just a fancy name for the "Eastern Roman Empire". So technically, you could still say the Romans had it.
Assassin's Creed much?
Its Greek but the Romans borrowed a lot of words/literature/gods from the Greeks.
hey jax, ya bleedin? yea, ya bleedin
Reply"The Game"..... Well played Cracked, well played
ReplySeveral variations of The Ballgame are still played in Mexico. And by variations, I don't mean it suddenly turned into softball. The five-kilo rubber ball is still used. The variations come from the scoring system, though the, er, circle is not always used.
Reply"The guy with the flamethrower isn't even paying attention."
ReplySpankration. That is all.
ReplyAncient greeks would never say "sweet Jesus"... This trend came here much later, unfortunately.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesyou lose
Exactly. They would have said "Harder!"
Great Caesar's ghost, you're right! Thanks for point that little snafu out! Now if you'll excuse me, I have Russel Crowe to kill.
I'd like to see modern day sport stars playing these sports in a new reality TV show. Would certainly liven up the reality TV industry.
ReplyIt would definitely be upgraded to "watchable"
I'm not sure about the Greek Fire story - Greek Fire was an invention of the Byzantine Empire, which while it considered itself Roman, would not be using it for games. They were too busy using it on their invaders, who attacked from the sea. Ancient Rome did not know anything about Greek Fire.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesThank you, Mr. Wikipedia.
Are you sure? I thought it had something to do with a mirror and that the greeks invented it, it was just discovered later on?
THAT WAS THE GREEKS!!!
Yeah, I've never heard of it being used before the split of the Roman empire, but my history is a bit hazy in that time period.
Im pretty sure the Greeks had something that was pretty similar (naptha I think) before the Romans appeared so something sufficient for a flamethrower was available.