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It's amazing how crazy people get about sports these days, especially considering how much sports suck compared to what they used to be. No, we're not talking about the 1940s when football players wore leather helmets. We're talking about the ancient sports where Viking rape was a trophy and "crocodile death" had its own slot on the scoreboard. #6.
Mesoamerican Ballgame
Long before soccer (and smallpox) took pre-Columbian America by storm, the official sport of Ancient Mexico was an odd game that the Mayans called pitz. Since there is no word in the English language that can do justice to its brutality, we simply call it "The Mesoamerican Ballgame".
The "Game" Mesoamerican Ballgame was a lot like volleyball, except the ball involved was nine pounds of solid rubber. And there were beheadings. Players had to keep the heavy bastard in play by bouncing it off their forearms, hips, elbows and (if you're a sissy) bats and rackets. Points were scored by striking the ball against the opponents' wall, while points were lost if the ball hit the ground more than twice.
The Mesoamericans included one final draw to wow their crowd. Either team could score an instant win by knocking the ball through an impossibly-high sideways-basketball-hoop (sort of like Quidditch with badass Mexicans).
How is that "Insane"? Consider the post-game party: Winners would be whisked off to celebrate with some shapely Mesoamerican ladies with a penchant for body-painting, while the losing team got lead into the back and had their heads chopped off. However, there remains some discrepancy as to who actually got sacrificed: the opposing captain, the opposing players or even the winning team (since they were clearly the greater warriors). Either way, there would be blood.
Oh, and all those decapitated heads? Yeah... They used nine-pound balls for a reason: The entire game was just a warm-up for the post-game party favorite, head-ball.
#5.
Skin-Pulling
Tug-of-war remains one of the most primal sports still played, and here's hoping it makes it into the Olympics someday. You may have tugged a rope over a pond at summer camp, or even over a pile of mud at your sister's wedding, but have you ever considered playing it over a pit of fire? The Vikings did. The "Game" Instead of rope, the players used animal-hides. And instead of overweight middle-schoolers in gym class, the players were Vikings.
How is that "Insane"? Considering the Vikings' unhealthy obsession with rape, murder and fire, it was only a matter of time before somebody mixed all three into one fucked up triathlon. The result: A version of tug-of-war played over a fiery pit for the spoils of the town they had just ransacked, which included exclusive rape-rights to all the women. The winners got the plunder, and the losers got burned to death.
#4.
Venatio
Imagine that you're in Rome in 54 A.D. You were once a warrior of Noricum, but now you are a slave forced to perform before a crowd of screaming sociopaths who condescendingly refer to you only as bestiarius because you have been chosen (forced) to play venatio, "the Hunt."
The "Game" In Venatio, you and your teammates must face a monster known as "the Beast of Carthage," which in modern English translates to 20 goddamn elephants.
How is that "Insane"? Well, in addition to having to fight a bunch of fucking elephants suffering from extreme separation anxiety, every slave knew it was the deadliest gladiatorial game with maybe a two percent chance of survival. The Romans, fueled by their hatred of Hannibal, played this game so frequently that they drove the North African elephant to extinction.
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Bottom picture has the best caption in years.
the greek fire image is from bizantines actually , in one of their desperate battles to not be conquered by muslims or turks.
Update Falhol.....no one cares
Greek fire would not have been used during Naumachia, as it was not invented until some 500 years after Naumachia declined in Rome, and, in fact, roughly 200 years after the fall of the Western Roman Empire (see the John Pryor citation @ the wikipedia article on Greek Fire). Furthermore, the image used to illustrate Greek Fire is depicting a naval battle between the Byzantine Empire and Muslims, and occurred in the 8th century (the image is from the Madrid Chronicle of John Skylitzes written in the 12th Century).
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Let's all play Venatio. =D
I know it's been said before, but immediately when reading the first one, I thought 'El Dorado!' because it's mentioned in that movie... And yeah, they were going to behead the loosing team, but Miguel and Tulio were all like 'STOP!'. And somebody said it was Disney. I'm a p***k about this; It's Dreamworks. They were better in the early 2000's.
The guy with the flametrower is turning his head so it doesn't burn up all the oxygen near his face.
You all lost the game.
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yeah these sports are awesome, but they're still brutal anyway it makes me proud to live in a modern society with violence still but tolerable nonetheless
Pankration is a real sport in my book; none of this wimpy pads and helmets thing to worry about. Yes I'm Irish btw.
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What, Pirate wrestling doesn't make the list? In order to join a pirate's crew when your ship was captured, you had to wrestle your former shipmates. By wrestle, I mean goug each other's eyes out. The match ended when one (or both) lost an eye, and both were let in the crew, which is why the eyepatch become part of the pirate lore. The rest of the crew were either ransomed, let go, or fed to sharks, depending on the mood.
The Game??......FUUUUUUUUU I lost :(
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Ok so I feel like a total dork for pointing this out, but it really makes the "mesoamerican sport" way more badass. It wasn't the losing team that got beheaded, it was the winning team. Yeah. It was supposed to be a great honor to be beheaded so it was actually a reward.
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