16 Great Halloween Costumes for Telling Everyone You Suck
A few years ago, we showed you 20 Costumes That Will Earn You a Halloween Beating. Looking around these last few years, it's obvious that we need to be clear about something: Just because your costume wasn't on that first list doesn't mean you can still dress like a total douchebag and expect to get away with it. In the interest of thoroughness, we have a few additions.
#16. Ball Pit
Yeah, this guy's totally getting laid tonight, because as everyone knows, chicks love ball pits.
Oh, wait, no, hang on, that's children. Children are attracted to ball pits. You're encouraging fucking children to crawl into your fucking testicle box you fucking lunatic.
#15. Fee Ling Yu
"Look, I'm not gonna tell you again: Just because I've recently been thawed after being frozen in ice since 1906 doesn't mean I can't resume my old job as a costume designer. Now, we still hate Asians, right?"
Oh, wait, is the horror of this costume in the grotesque "mouth within a mouth" effect? Because that fucking mustache behind the teeth makes us never want to sleep again.
#14. Snake Charmer
"You might say there's a snake in my pants! And when I play music, it's ... like, calm, it finds it very soothing. Without the music it gets ... really violent, I guess? This metaphor doesn't really hold up, it turns out. I'd like you to pay attention to my dick, is what I'm getting at."
Wait, is the "Dick in a _______" a whole genre of costume now? Are there seriously enough frat boys in the world to support such an industry?
#13. Petting Zoo
Yes, yes there are.
We're not sure if we need to say this or not, but, ladies, the guy who spends money on this particular costume is actually less interesting and intelligent than the guy who shoves his junk in a free shoebox and writes "Touch my dick, please" on the outside of it.
#12. Missing Milk Carton Hat
Hey, Model-Who-Was-in-Mid-Sneeze-When-This-Photo-Was-Taken: They don't put pictures of children on milk cartons because it's cute; they put them there because they've been kidnapped.
#11. Horny the Clown
"Finally, a clown that will fuck me!" -- No Woman Who Has Ever Existed
If you're wondering why it's called "Horny the Clown" and not "Literally Anything Else the Clown," you should know that it has an air pump that activates the pop-out clown dick with a "boing" sound effect. You should know that, because your nightmares have gotten kind of stale lately, and this is exactly the kind of spark they need.
Wait, this thing is $50.99? There are starving people in the world.
#10. Bar Boobs
It's not right to call this costume sexist because, seriously, guys who fantasize about boobs are not imagining drinking things from them. If you are turned on by the idea of some kind of ideal woman who can ooze beer from her mammary glands, you are an alcoholic. Seriously, that's the first on the list of 10 warning signs of alcoholism and if you answer it yes, you're done reading that list.
Also, did you notice how the valves are colored nipple-pink? Yeah, nobody is drinking anything that came out of that.
#9. Poopie Shorts
Hey, it's another mechanized costume. This one has a little button so you can squirt poop-like liquid all over your host's carpet and furniture. Or, we're sorry, we read the description wrong, it's actually your carpet and furniture. Huh. Reading a little further ... yep! This costume automatically presupposes that you'll never get invited to a party. Loneliness is one of the parts of this costume, it's actually included.
#7 Jesus, look at the model's eyes, he's clearly crying
ReplyThankyou Cracked :D
Commentary to #4 makes it sound like it was written by some angry feminist.
Replyshouldn't gropin' granny have grey pubes?
Reply14, 12 and 11 were HILARIOUS.
ReplyI'm gonna make my boyfriend be #14.
ReplyI would love to see some brave soul wear #7 to a Lil Wayne concert.
ReplyAlso, I have lost faith in humanity.
Number 8's guy looks like Swaim! Lol!
ReplyThe only purpose that toilet costume will ever have is preventing people from vomiting all over your clean bathroom during parties. It's really a shame that it didn't make it onto the list...
ReplyWas this article written by a woman?
ReplyYes, written by a woman and her pussy-whipped b***h boy.
Would you two go blow each other somewhere else please? Also, no decent man or woman would think these costumes were anything but terrible.
i went to a party when i was 16 that was all adults. one guys "costume" was wearing a strap on dildo on his chin. it still gives me the creeps to this day.
ReplyI know someone that dressed as #10 at their Halloween party. I'm glad I didn't go.
ReplyWHY are the panties stained in number 8?? is that guy supposed to be a walking advert for pantie liners?
ReplyStained with blood no less... like why can't it be a sexual thing instead of just flat disgusting? Who'd want a bunch of bloody panties anyway? - PLEASE, don't answer that.
And I've just bought the remaining ones in stock. Mwahaha. Now where's a school..
While it was a horrible costume, the joke of the "droopers" get-up wasn't "Look, I'm crossdressing!" The point wasn't that he was a woman but that he was an OLD woman. Hence the droopy chesticles.
ReplyI'm so glad you pointed that out for me.
It'll be very acurate if the ballpit costume had nothing but Blue balls in it
ReplyI SAW THE BAR BOOBS being sold at the Halloween Bootique. My day was almost ruined. D:
ReplyGropin Granny made me physically ill. It's gonna take awhile before I can hug my grandma again. : (
ReplyHEY.
ReplyI RETRACT my like for this article. The banner promised me a toilet costume. I DEMAND A SNAPPY OBSERVATION ABOUT A TOILET COSTUME.
Several of these just seem more like particularly odd fetish gear than anything intended to be worn to a party - the pooping pants and the racehorse costume almost certainly, bar boobs, Yuk and the granny costume possibly.
ReplyThe ball pit one, on the other hand, just screams "I'm a s**t with a million STDs!". Seriously, ball pits in play areas are DISGUSTING. You want that associated with your junk /why/?
I just draw 666 on my forehead with facepaint and that's it. Or sometimes draw a pentagram. REDRUM one year. It's tradition and cuts down on stupid decisions.
ReplyIt's funny that you mention stupid decisions.
I'm so glad someone wrote an article about s****y stupid costumes
Reply