The Japanese invented reliable automobiles, robots that look like dogs and most of the more interesting sex acts on the web. But how well do they do costumes? To find out we strapped on our favorite web browser and scoured what the online Japanese costume world had to offer. We were not disapointed.
Full Body Costumes
From the world famous "Party Costume" line of party costumes, we have here a bodysuit patterned with what appears to be one of those Magic Eye things. "Don't focus on my ass. Focus through it."
We feel the need to point out that we didn't photoshop this, although clearly, this is exactly the kind of thing we'd photoshop were we inclined to create a monkey costume with an obscenely large sack and a tiny penis.
On a related note, if any of our readers work for a charitable organization, we'd be willing to bet that the "monkey with an enormous ball sack and tiny penis costume" might just be the hot new successor to those rubber Livestrong bracelets.
Translation: "I eat and live in your poo!"
Nothing says "I love the US of A!" and "man camel toe" like an American Flag bodysuit.
If you ever wanted to connect your head to your penis like some insane M.C. Escher drawing, this Halloween, consider the Mobius Giraffe.
Masks
Here' a giraffe, wearing a nice yellow collared shirt. Plaid too. Guess he couldn't afford the bottom half of the giraffe costume, so he wore the yellowiest thing he could find.
The closer you look at the way the mouth is hanging open like that, the more you have to wonder if we've stumbled upon an outfit for an unusually specialized type of fetish.
This might be the most racist thing we've ever seen.
This is either a Japanese version of Homer Simpson or a brave samurai warrior, battling his most dangerous opponent yet: jaundice.
This is sort of what we'd imagine a holiday film by Quentin Tarantino would look like.
Dasher: "Have you ever given a guy a foot massage?"
Blitzen: "Fuck You."
Translation: "We have won a Super Baseball Tournament! Now to celebrate with a ritualized act of group sex!"
One, it' a tail, not an enormous ropy piece of poo. So get your mind out of the gutter. Also note the lack of massive testicles, making this statistically the most wholesome monkey costume in this article.
Translation: "Rub me against women!"
This eggplant clearly has somewhere to be, so we won't keep him.
In Japan, Spiderman wears black, not red, and his great powers inspire no great responsibility within him. Actually, he spends most of his time using his incredible abilities to molest women on commuter trains.
We were a little torn about whether to use this picture or not, as the model is clearly not Japanese. We decided to include it, and a few others, simply because they were too ridiculous to pass up. Our favorite part of this one is the cocksure look on the guy' face. "Yes, that is the lower body of a swan ballerina, thank you for noticing. My skull is an enigmatic and magical being, and has a complicated back-story and creation mythology. I would be happy to explain it to you over coffee, or perhaps a drink sometime."
The next logical step after a swan ballerina on your head is of course a swan ballerina around your crotch, here inexplicably modeled by a 13 year-old boy. It' been awhile since we were that age, but we can't imagine this costume doing a kid any favors if any of his friends saw him in it. As we've seen time and again, 13 can be a pretty tough age for a boy, especially when you have legs like a goddamned woman.
And finally, we have the last costume from Japan. And we don't mean the last costume in this article, or the last costume wefound. We mean the last costume ever. The Omega Costume. Over the course of researching this article, we discovered that the huge amount of heroically retarded costumes we saw were only incremental steps of the development process of the Japanese Costume industry. Incremental steps that led to this, the greatest costume to ever exist:
Chris Bucholz is a Contributing Editor at Cracked Magazine, and writer of the hilarious blog Robotman!
Well, as SpikeyBill pointed out (If you haven't read his comment, I advise you do since he's giving an insiders look to the outsiders), the "Monkey with huge balls" is a Tanuki who are one of the most terrifying creatures I've ever heard of.... If what I've read up on/been told is accurate, these raccoon-like animals can enlarge their ball sacks to use them for many tasks, such as creating shelter, using them as boats, or suffocating victims.... That's right... Imagine being suffocated by a raccoon's sack... Tanuki scare me... And yet they make me giggle.
haha I think the second from the top is a movie character from a studio gibli film... (gibli being a family friendly movie company... it made Ponyo for disney to relase)
I love the Japanese. I lived there for a year and a half. It always weird-ed em out that whenever they drew a cat from behind, or walking away, they'd draw their anus all detailed. I'm like, uh, yeah, we usually leave that out
Tha "monkey with giant sack" costume is a tanuki, and their enormous testicles are part of Japan's folklore. They're used to seeing tanuki sacks.
Doesn't make the costume less ridiculous though...
From some things I've learned while studying... If their people and culture had survived to the present then the Ancient Egyptians would likely give the Japanese a serious run for their money in terms of WTF-ness.
Wow. There are A LOT of 'turn your dick into an animal's head' costumes.
It's almost like somebody went 'women are repulsed by my diseased genitalia, but they're always going around and petting those cute fuzzy animals! If only there was some way for me to disguise my junk as one of them...'
Looks like the Japanese mixed up Batman and Spiderman to create the ultimate superhero.
ReplyThe second one was PedoBear, right?
ReplyThat swan one reminds me of an enemy from Bobobo.
Replythe high i get from mocking other people: priceless!
ReplyWell, as SpikeyBill pointed out (If you haven't read his comment, I advise you do since he's giving an insiders look to the outsiders), the "Monkey with huge balls" is a Tanuki who are one of the most terrifying creatures I've ever heard of.... If what I've read up on/been told is accurate, these raccoon-like animals can enlarge their ball sacks to use them for many tasks, such as creating shelter, using them as boats, or suffocating victims.... That's right... Imagine being suffocated by a raccoon's sack... Tanuki scare me... And yet they make me giggle.
Replyhaha I think the second from the top is a movie character from a studio gibli film... (gibli being a family friendly movie company... it made Ponyo for disney to relase)
ReplyI love the Japanese. I lived there for a year and a half. It always weird-ed em out that whenever they drew a cat from behind, or walking away, they'd draw their anus all detailed. I'm like, uh, yeah, we usually leave that out
ReplyThe baseball suit guy looks like my priest. O_0
ReplyEvery single expression in each one of those pictures is priceless!!!
ReplyGermany has freakier halloween costumes than Japan. That dreidel costume... that dreidel...
ReplyAnyone else think that the racist mask just looks like a caricature of Mickey from Doctor Who?
ReplyI kinda thought it looked like Emanuel Lewis myself.
As many others said, the first one is actually a squirrel with huge testicles. It actually has them in real life, if you were wondering.
ReplyIt's not a squirrel, it's a tanuki, which is like a raccoon, except with giant balls and magical powers.
oh yes, because it being a squirrel with huge balls is so much more sane, and better then a monkey with huge balls........
I would love the tanuki costume. Yeah, no one might understand it(I didn't until I read the comments), but its still pretty funny.
ReplyI laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants!!! this is hilarious
ReplyTha "monkey with giant sack" costume is a tanuki, and their enormous testicles are part of Japan's folklore. They're used to seeing tanuki sacks.
ReplyDoesn't make the costume less ridiculous though...
So wait... when Mario put on the tanooki suit... oh no! my childhood! you've been raped again!
Yeah! I learned what a Tanuki was from "Villa Incognito" by Tom Robbins.
Does anyone know where I can get the "greatest costume to ever exist", or the company's name? It is worth its weight in diamonds!
ReplyJapan ALWAYS delivers in the WTF category.
ReplyFrom some things I've learned while studying... If their people and culture had survived to the present then the Ancient Egyptians would likely give the Japanese a serious run for their money in terms of WTF-ness.
Wow. There are A LOT of 'turn your dick into an animal's head' costumes.
ReplyIt's almost like somebody went 'women are repulsed by my diseased genitalia, but they're always going around and petting those cute fuzzy animals! If only there was some way for me to disguise my junk as one of them...'
WTF Japan!!!!
ReplyTHIS IS MADNESS!!!.....madness?...this is JAPAN!!!
ReplyThat's not funny anymore.
Remember when it was funny though? That was a good three days.