The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes Implied by 'Harry Potter'

#2. Dumbledore's Brother Got Busted for Bestiality

Say hello to Aberforth Dumbledore, Albus' brother.

With a beard like that, you know he is at least mayor of something in Scotland.

And in the wizard world, he is probably a sex offender.

This is another of J.K. Rowling's quick, throwaway jokes that is meant to fly right over the heads of the 9-year-olds but is supposed to make the grown-ups giggle.

You find the references in both Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, where it is mentioned in passing that Dumbledore's brother Aberforth got in trouble for a "minor scandal" with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement for "using inappropriate charms on a goat."


To Make It Even Weirder ...

We know that there is not one part of "inappropriate charms on a goat" that does not warrant some serious explaining, which is why one of J.K. Rowling's readers asked her about this at the same Q&A where she disclosed Albus Dumbledore's homosexuality. Check out Rowling's reaction:

"Wait, I wrote that? No. Really?"

Q: In the Goblet of Fire, Dumbledore said his brother was prosecuted for practicing inappropriate charms [JKR buries her head, to laughter] on a goat; what were the inappropriate charms he was practicing on that goat?

JKR: How old are you?

Q: Eight.

"He fucked that goat."

JKR: I think that he was trying to make a goat that was easy to keep clean [laughter], curly horns. That's a joke that works on a couple of levels. I really like Aberforth and his goats. But you know Aberforth having this strange fondness for goats if you've read book seven, came in really useful to Harry, later on, because a goat, a stag, you know. If you're a stupid Death Eater, what's the difference. So, that is my answer to YOU.

[loud applause]

#1. Hagrid's Father Banged a Giant

Via Wikimedia Commons

The groundskeeper at Hogwarts is Rubeus Hagrid, an abnormally huge but kind man who is universally beloved by the good guys.

Hagrid is a half-giant roughly 8.5 feet tall, which should immediately raise questions if you are old enough to know where babies come from. And, sure enough, Hagrid described his father as "a tiny little man," even by non-giant standards.

Hagrid's mother, meanwhile, was the giantess Fridwulfa. While we will be the first to point out that even if she was considered "small" by giant standards, she nevertheless possessed a womb, um ... ample enough to accommodate a 16-foot-tall son. And no, we are not talking about Hagrid but his full-giant half-brother Grawp, who was the product of good old-fashioned giant sex between Fridwulfa and a male giant, complete with giant-sized schwanzstucker.

Hagrid's half-brother, in the fetal position.

So, the big question is how this "tiny little" man ...

That's him sitting on the kid's shoulder.

... was able to successfully impregnate a titanic woman whose sex organs were probably more commodious to most humans than a hotel room in Tokyo.

To Make It Even Weirder ...

While we personally wish this discomfiting discussion about giant sex could end here, the truth is that Hagrid's father is not the only human to knock boots with someone taller than a telephone pole in Ms. Rowling's wizarding world.

"RUN! It aims to eat us!"

Olympe Maxime, headmistress of Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and Hagrid's old flame, is a half-giant as well. In fact, there are apparently enough half-giants in the Harry Potter universe to warrant their own wiki entry. The precise number of wizards -- and witches -- rubbing wands with these huge humanoid monsters remains a mystery, as does how it works when it's a male giant and, say, a 5-foot-tall female.

For that mental image, you can thank Ms. Rowling.

If you would like to learn more about the disturbing facts of life, Jacopo asks that you check out the topic page for his latest book Go @#$% Yourself! An Ungentlemanly Disagreement, by Filippo Argenti, available in paperback and DRM-free on Kindle.

For more unsettling undertones, check out 5 Classic Board Games With Disturbing Origin Stories and 6 Horrifying Implications of Awesome Fantasy Movie Universes.

And stop by LinkSTORM read some awesome Harry Potter fanfics by Jack O'Brien.

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