5 Ways the Invention of Pants Shaped the Modern World

What would you say is the single biggest source or symbol of your strength and power as an individual? The answer is easy: just look down.

We're talking, of course, about your pants. The world didn't make the transition from robes to pants as an arbitrary fashion statement -- it required decrees by rulers, massive social upheaval, and the liberation of oppressed classes.

Each of those events in history has served to reaffirm one thing: Pants equal power. Seriously.

#5. Henry VIII's Codpiece Changes The World


So if we're going to talk about how pants have been at the center of social change for the last 500 years, we have to go back to Henry VIII, and specifically Henry VIII's dick.

We're legitimately sorry for that image.

Oh, pants were around for a long time before that, but were treated the way assless chaps are treated now. Poetry written in Ancient Greece suggests that pants were ridiculed and viewed with contempt by the Greeks. You know, the guys who went around dressed in togas.

Even the Romans saw pants as barbaric. But then Henry VIII came along. And his dick.

"This is the most elegant possible way to showcase a penis."

You see, Henry was extremely proud of his athletic build (at least in his younger years), and for him, pants were a great way to show off his manly calves. We'll admit Henry's "pants" don't look terribly masculine today (they're more like leggings), but back then, they were seen as a sign of his total authority ... mainly because they allowed him to sport enormous codpieces.


Men have equaled dongs with power since the dawn of time, and Henry simply found a convenient way to display that power in public without being classified as a sex offender.

"I don't care if my arms look comically undersized. Just make sure my boner is showing."

If you think we're joking, remember that Henry VIII was the man who changed the religion of an entire country to satisfy his penis -- Henry's might very well be the single most influential set of genitalia in history. Though his beloved codpieces eventually went by the wayside, by then, pants had been established as a symbol of power. Everywhere in Europe, men were donning breeches on a daily basis.

Or almost everywhere ...

#4. Pants Bring Russia Into The Modern World

So, over the next century pants became common on the European continent ... everywhere except for Russia, that is. By the late 1600s, Russia remained as the lone oasis of pantlessness. While peasants did tend to wear some form of trousers somewhere under all those layers of clothing (usually covered by a long cloak), at the same time you had a lot of ass-clowns who looked like this:

Although their taste in shoes was marvelous.

To be fair, fashion wasn't the only thing they were behind on: Though Russia's territory was massive, its population was pretty small and mostly comprised of farmers, with only a small fraction of all Russians living in towns. Czar Peter the Great decided he had enough of that crap. Peter was obsessed with modernizing Russia, and he started by forcing everyone to put some real trousers on. In 1701, he issued a decree commanding everyone at every level of society to wear pants, other than clergy and peasant farmers.

That meant no more long cloaks or ... whatever the hell that guy in the picture is wearing. Peter also decreed that men could no longer sport beards unless they were willing to pay a yearly beard tax (mustaches were free as long as you kept them under control). Suddenly, Russian men were forced to wear leggings and shave their facial hair at all times, despite Russia's harsh climate.

At this point, evolution granted them Robert Plant hair to protect them from the elements.

Peter the Great's Western-influenced reforms, which also involved completely reorganizing the army, culminated in 1721 when he declared himself Emperor of All the Russians, launching an empire that lasted until the Soviet Revolution of 1917. And it all started with pants.

Peter, seen here basking in the glory of his pants.

#3. England Takes Scotland's Kilts, Can Never Take Their Freedom

So, by the mid-1700s you have a clear pattern: pants are regarded as a sign that your people are modern and civilized. From Henry VIII establishing them as a symbol of power and dominance, to Peter the Great seeing them as a symbol of modernity, the pants revolution was sweeping the world.

Which brings us to one of the last hold-outs after the Russians were pantsified -- these guys:

The Sons of Scotland

The Scottish Highlanders.

As ridiculous as man-dresses may look to us today, back in 18th century, Scotland kilts were seen as an unmistakable sign of badassery and rebellion. The Jacobite Rebels fighting to put a Catholic monarch back on the throne even adopted kilts as an informal military uniform. In 1745, these ventilated-crotch warriors kicked ass all the way into England before they were forced to retreat. Needless to say, the whole thing left King George II feeling a little worried. And so, the following year King George decided that the best way to deal with the Scottish rebels was to take away their kilts. And replace them with pants.

"This last part is very important." - King George II

The punishments for disobeying the Dress Act were severe. If a man was caught wearing anything resembling a dress, he was sent prison for six months. Do it again, and they were shipped off to work on a plantation for seven years. For wearing a kilt.

The only ones exempt from the clothing restrictions were Scottish army officials, who were thus seen even more manly because of it.

"Good Lord! His penis is shaped like a sword!"

By the time the Dress Act was repealed in 1782, the damage was already done. Apparently, men in Scotland had gotten used to the extra support of a good pair of trousers, because even though kilts were no longer forbidden, they continued wearing pants. Maybe they realized that too much freedom can be a bad thing too (especially regarding one's balls), or maybe it was the fact that suddenly all the nobles were trying to bring the kilt back, making it profoundly uncool for regular people. Whatever the reason, traditional Highland garb has gone the way of the codpiece.

Not that it didn't put up a valiant fight.

The real impact of the Kilt Proscription was its influence on the way that leaders have come to view certain styles of dress as a symbol of rebellion. So, fast forward to the late 1700s, when monarchies were falling and democracy was blossoming. Sure enough, you find pants were right at the heart of it.

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