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The 7 Craziest Things Ever Done to Get Laid

#3.
King Henry VIII Started a New Religion For His Penis

In the year 1525, King Henry VIII had a problem with Anne Boleyn's pants -- specifically, whether or not he could legally get in them. See, even though he was married to Catherine of Aragon, he wanted to nail Anne Boleyn. Although Boleyn initially resisted, eventually she came around thanks to the prospect of becoming queen. So all Henry had to do was divorce his wife ... but therein lies the rub.


Who would want to divorce a woman with such angular hair?

Thing is, divorce was not a legitimate answer to anything in 16th century England back in the day, since marriage was considered holy and indissoluble by the Catholic Church -- best case scenario was an annulment, which could only be procured if the marriage had been entered into improperly. So Henry called a council with the Pope where he claimed that Catherine had boned his older (subsequently deceased) brother Arthur before she married Henry, and thus their current marriage was null and void. The Pope turned the request down cold.


Pope Clement VII, here pictured giving exactly zero shits.

Henry, however, was kind of used to getting his own way and decided to just go ahead and marry Anne anyway. To legitimize the marriage, he passed a whole bunch of acts and proclamations giving himself more and more power over the Church of England, eventually breaking off all ties with the Pope and forming the Anglican Communion. In the process, he repossessed all the monasteries in England, Wales, and Ireland and executed a whole bunch of people who disagreed with his divorce.


Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII, hunting Irish Catholics on his private estate.

In short, Henry VIII made his own church, declared himself head of it and killed the fuck out of anyone who said different -- all because Anne Boleyn was young, hot and available. And theirs truly was a fairytale romance ... but only if that fairytale was Alice in Wonderland, with Henry playing the Queen of Hearts.

#2.
A Kenyan Peace Was Brokered Over a Lack of Sex

Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki and prime minister Raila Odinga had formed a coalition government in 2007, and neither man was all that happy about it. The president and the prime minister agreed to govern together to stop the violence and death that their factions had caused, but the effort was moot since all they did was argue and bicker. The two men were seemingly doing everything in their power to fuck up their country beyond repair.

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Odinga is the fat dude with an ugly hat, and Kibaki is the fat dude without an ugly hat.

After two years of this bullshit, Kenyan women decided they'd had enough and took matters into their own hands by withholding sex until everything was sorted out.

In 2009, women's activist groups in Kenya called for a week-long sex strike to force the president and the PM to meet and make peace. So, what? Big freaking deal. A week is nothing! That's half as long as Jedi Fantasy Camp, and there's certainly no sex going on there. Well, there must be some powerful aphrodisiac in the Kenyan water supply, because one BBC correspondent argued that men over there wouldn't last two days without sex.


Apparently, Lysistrata was pretty damn true to life.

No kidding. One man went so crazy without sex that he sued the women's groups for pain and suffering. The activist leaders thought of everything, too, even paying prostitutes to withhold their services so that men couldn't get illicit nookie.

Things went from bad to worse for one of the two men in charge when prime minister Odinga's wife, Ida, publicly endorsed the strike, and was even rumored to have joined it.

Via BBC News
He looks so pained.

Eventually, the president and the (presumably sexless) PM had had enough. The women rejoiced when the men in charge agreed to meet with them and said they would also hold talks to discuss their country's safety and future. After all the fighting and the killing and the pointless bickering, it was good old blue balls that brought these two longtime foes together.

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"We're still wracked with poverty and disease, but at least everyone's getting off!"

The boycott was deemed such a success that to this day, the Kenyan women remember it fondly, one of them boasting that, thanks to their strike, a deal was done within a month. Peace and compromise was attained, at least for a while.

#1.
Catherine the Great Governed Around Her Man-Whores

Getty

Catherine the Great may not have fucked a horse, but she did have an insatiable sexual appetite: She had 12 high-profile lovers (and an unknown number of, uh, "passing fancies") during her reign, and for 40 years she never had to endure a cold bed. But unlike most sexually promiscuous royalty, Catherine didn't adopt a love-em-and-leave-em or even a love-em-and-execute-em strategy; instead, she just made their dreams come true. Seriously, one tryst with Catherine and you were set for life.

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Just ask Commodore Ed here.

Pretty much all of her favorites were rewarded with land, money and titles; Grigory Orlov, for example, was raised from an artillery officer to a count and so were his three brothers -- Catherine even made one of them a naval commander because, hey -- nepotism. Orlov, however, wasn't cut out for duties more complex than bed-warming, so she gave him loads of money and a palace where he could stay out of the way. Another beau, Grigory Potemkin (because everyone in Russia is a stereotype named Grigory) started off as a common guardsman and finished off as a general and city-builder. Unlike Orlov, Potemkin showed potential in a lot of jobs Catherine assigned him, most notably, his ability to organize threesomes for her. Seriously.


Ladies: Would you say no to this man?

Her finest moment in power-prostitution, however, came when she invaded Poland because the guy she was nailing wanted to be king. Keep in mind that Russia was by far the biggest kid on the Eastern European playground; she could have thrown her support behind literally any candidate for the Polish throne and she would have had a strong ally, so this was less about political expediency and more about paying for sex with control. Incidentally, if you're wondering how she picked, her mates, she may or may not have used attractive handmaids to "test" prospective suitors. We're guessing these test weren't terribly similar to the ones you took in school.


We're guessing this guy had a solid B-average.

So what did this Russian sex goddess look like? Must have been something special to keep all the men lined up, right? Let's just take a gander at this arctic fox ...

... who looks less fox-like and more exactly like your grandmother.

You can visit Eddie's website here.

And keep bolstering your sex knowledge by checking out 6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (That Are Actually True) and 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital.

And stop by Linkstorm to find out you can have sex for royalty.

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