6 'Facts' About Historic Figures (Their Enemies Made Up)
The truth is like Silly Putty: you can stretch it, mold it and use it to destroy someone's life.
Just ask anyone who's ever run a nasty smear campaign; a good, juicy lie or half-truth about someone can not only follow them to the grave, but can echo down through history long after.
Just look at how the following "historical facts"--all complete bullshit--have continued to show up in print for centuries after the subject has passed away.
#6.
Napoleon Was Really, Really Short
Quick, let's do word association. When we say "Napoleon" you say the first word that comes to mind.
About 20 percent of you just said, "French!" and the other 80 percent said, "short!"
Yes, in a world where our hazy history education won't let most of us quote even five facts about the guy, what we all know is that he was a tiny, tiny little man.
Now, it's true Bonaparte didn't tower over anyone. For instance, he was shorter than the Imperial Guards he was often seen with (who had a height requirement, since like all such guards through history part of their job was to look intimidating).
But most agree that Bonaparte was almost 5' 7", which was in fact just above average for the early 19th century (and wouldn't exactly make him a freak even now).
The French, however, used a slightly different system that listed the emperor at 5'2". And that appears to be the source of the whole "Napoleon as midget" image. When word got back to England that the terror of France was only a tick taller than five baguettes, the British propaganda machine had a field day. After all, it's much easier to win a battle when you imagine the other guy's Marty McFly and you're Biff Tannen.
"Voulez-vous make like a tree and get outta here?"
As we'll see often on this list, if you repeat a lie often enough, it eventually becomes truth. Fast forward 200 years and a man who at worst was a few inches shorter than average, and at best was exactly as tall any random dude at the time, is portrayed as a laughable cartoonish freak of a man.
The lesson? If you're going to be a world leader, surround yourself with shorter people.
#5.
J. Edgar Hoover was a Transvestite
John Edgar Hoover directed the FBI from 1924 to 1972, and based on anything you read about him today, he spent that entire time wearing frilly ladies' undergarments. At this point it's almost as common as the "Napoleon was midget" thing.
Why? Well, as the head of the nation's largest crime-fighting bureaucracy, Hoover spent his days single, secret-filled and surrounded by lawmen. Hoover's acquaintanceship with agents was beyond professional--he dined with feds, went out to nightclubs with feds and even holidayed with feds. And a the time these were all dudes.
This led to gossip that Hoover was gay, which is a possibility historians have yet to reach consensus on. Hoover's raging homophobia didn't help his case (he attempted to out Eleanor Roosevelt and presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson) and made him some enemies, most notably openly-gay Southern playwright Truman Capote.
It was in the early 60s when Susan Rosenstiel, an ex-wife of an alleged mobster, claimed she had seen Hoover at gay orgies, bewigged and bedazzling. No one took Rosenstiel seriously, the least of all Capote. In fact, he found her story so fucking hilarious he told everyone within earshot.
How did Capote get away with it? Well, he was famous and consorted with the movers and shakers of the day. When asked whether he believed the rumors about Hoover's transvestite tendencies, Capote pithily replied, "Who cares?" This is easily the most gangster outlook one can have when casually annihilating another man's reputation.
O.G. with pimp hat.
But the image of the pudgy tough-guy Hoover prancing around in nothing but see-through panties and a feather boa was too ironic, and nightmarish, for the nation to ignore. As usual, when the smear is more hilarious than the truth, we go with the smear.
But it could have been worse, when you consider...
#4.
Catherine the Great Fucked a Horse
Go to Google and type in "Catherine the Great" and one of the top recommended searches is "Catherine the Great + Horse." So... was there a horse named Catherine the Great? Was her horse famous for some reason?
No, the reason is that these days half the people who know who Catherine the Great is, know her as "that lady who died fucking a horse." It's the kind of thing that kind of overshadows all your other accomplishments.
In Catherine's case those other accomplishments include being the sole ruler of Russia from 1762 to 1796. Under her rule, Russia expanded its territory and modernized in step with the rest of Europe. But her reign infuriated the other nations, as A) Russia was widely considered the backwoods retard of the continent; and B) she had a vagina. And boy, did those grumpy old monarchs hate her vagina.
"What SHALL we do about this troubling vagina?"
It didn't help that the unmarried Catherine loved her pink parts and put them to good use regularly, something that ladies weren't allowed to be open about in those days. She reportedly "tested" her suitors on one or more of her handmaidens first.
Catherine's fondness for 18th century sex was matched by her love of equestrianism. Seeing as how the empress' favorite mounts were both man and beast, it was easy for pesky French aristocrats to combine her hobbies into a nasty rumor designed to knock Russia's hillbilly queen down a peg.
The rumor culminated in what is today the most well-remembered detail about Catherine: That she perished when a stud crushed her during coitusequus.
In reality she died in her bed, of a stroke, at the age of 67. But the smear gained legitimacy on the continent, being too misogynistic and Russophobic to ignore. And today it's just so much more awesome to remember Catherine as a quasi-mythical creature that ran through multiple species of dicks to prove her might.
Angelina Jolie, ladies and gentlemen!
Testicle Whisperer! I wish I was one! Then I'd probably get laid more often.
Replyi belive the current theory for Hoover is that he had homosexual tendancies (can be gay, can be straight, depends on waht mood he is in) and had a fondness for young boys...
ReplyThe night of the Chicago fire there were fires in other areas of the midwest, many of them horrific. The town of Peshtigo was burned out, but apparently no one got the news before the telegraph lines were knocked out by the fires. So coincidence, fire from the sky ... ?
ReplyCracked, I'll hold on to my 25 billion dollars, and you can run more photos of Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie.
ReplyMwahahaha!
the Napoleon height rumor I only heard about, don't think I ever believed it. Than again, I didn't care what his height was. and no, neither short or french were first in my mind when his name gets mentioned. I think 'conquerer'.
Reply#6 I read about in Wiki (I think), and probably somewhere else otherwise I wouldn't have had the slightest believe in that having been reality.
#3 I'm totally guilty of believing. Think that one I picked up in school...
according to a rumor I just made up, Nancy Pelosi stole her accumulated $6 million since being a congressthing from various orphanages.
ReplyYou missed Richard III, the last Plantagenet king. After his throne was usurped by Henry VII the rumors started...Henry VIII (yes, that Henry) finished off the rest of the Plantagenet family (except for his very own mother) and Sir Thomas More wrote a book that said that Richard was a murderous tyrant who killed everybody including his nephews (the famous "Princes in the Tower".) Under the rule of Elizabeth I Richard was brilliantly turned into an absolute monster of villainy by William Shakespeare. He did have his faults but when he wasn't defending his throne he was actually too merciful towards his enemies and he invented bail. Also he was short. The part about being a deformed hunchback was propaganda, but contemporary accounts agree that he was, indeed, short.
ReplyThey didn't "miss" anyone. This is just a list of 6 things, not ALL things that could ever possibly fit into this category.
I heard Mao only had one ball. Anyone feeling less lazy than I to verify this?
Replyaccording to wikipedia, he lost it in an injury
I said "waterloo." But then again I suppose it's no better to be remembered solely for your most crushing defeat.
ReplyHoover was almost certainly gay. He wasn't dining with feds, etc, he was dining with ONE fed, Clyde Tolson. They were inseparable, and each was the other's beneficiary.
ReplyThat may well lay to rest the transvestism rumor, since virtually all transvestites are straight men.
Well, that's certainly evidence you now present. I can not imagine how this article could have missed that crushing chunk of proof. Does the Pulitzer committee know about you? Let me write them right now.
The one I grew up with was:
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHitler, has only got one ball
The other, is up the Berlin Wall.
His mother, the dirty bugger,
Cut it off, when he was only 4
And it makes no historical sense whatsoever.
But I still think Hoover was a trannie. I mean, come on!
And I would think that Russia would be kind of proud of the Catherine the Great story; "Our monarch died f*****g a massive horse. How did YOUR pansy Queen die, huh? Bet she'd throw up after just one bottle of vodka".
Yeah but she died due to a stroke. That means there's the possibility that she fucked a horse and survived. That's even more badass.
That doesn't even rhyme.
On #3 it was said Hoover had ended up with incriminating photos of him from his "Queer" behavior and the mafia used it to blackmail him.
ReplyI won't say directly it's the truth, but look at the evidence:
During Hoover's Administration the FBI chased the "Commies" meaning many Anti-war protesters who while "Counterculture" were for the most part militant Pacifists unable to break any law that didn't involve Drugs or Jaywalking. The ones who did turn violent they panicked over and most they didn't catch for decades, their crude homemade bombs being more a danger to themselves. Likewise, converse to their bumbling on Hippie Activists they likely openly murdered much of the "Black Panther" leadership in an act worthy of "The night of long knives", something some might agree with except they were only supposed to arrest them, all supposed to be equal under the law and all that.
But while they were going through Abbie Hoffman's garbage and framing him, the Mafia had a "Golden Age" that didn't end until Hoover passed away. Only after he passed away did the government start truly going after them in a way that actually hurt them, rather than the occasional bust of low key players that actually helped more than hurt.
"militant Pacifists" WTF?
The mafia, while a bad thing, was at least controlled chaos. The current 'disorganized' crime is considerable worse. Virtually all law enforcement is concentrated on drug enforcement while gambling, prostitution, loan sharking, etc is virtually ignored.
5'7" are 170.18 cm, for those living in the rest of the world (and lazy enough to not do the unit conversion).
ReplyYour mother must be so proud.
The idea that there isn't a consensus on Hoover's gayness is ludicrous. As for the pictures of him in drag, Capote is certainly not the sole author of that idea; it's one of the main reasons that was discuessed in his time for his refusal to investigate the mafia. Fail on that one! The rest were great. I would also add Andrew Jackson's supposed illiteracy.
Reply"Join Adolf and Eva as they travel around the globe in search of the truth in 'Testicle Whisperers International.'
ReplyWednesdays at 7:00, on the History Channel."
I think that Clara Bow f*****g Bela Lugosi is WAY cooler than her f*****g John Wayne.
ReplyThe Testicle Whisperer... Ha! That's f*****g great.
Reply"in the middle of the club with smaller than average testicles" DEAD
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesna na na na na na na getting jiggy wit it -that song was so horrible LOL
What is it with these people and bestiality accusations?
i hate you cracked for giving me the idea to actually find out if it possible for a woman to sex a horse....i have no words...
except that i def thought Megan fox was just some random photo model until i read the caption. she doesnt look like what i remembered. which isn't saying very much cuz never did finish watching transformers...
yo, seriously, where the heck is PETA?? i feel like these animals are getting raped!
They are, but nobody gives a f**k about animal rights in the countries those kind of films are made in.
Why is no one mentioning that those "movies" involving animals, ALSO off camera have a gun to the woman's head? It's called human trafficking, guys. Trust me, those woman don't F*** animals willingly!
Excuse me commenters, but do any of you have any idea what you're talking about? The commercial beastiality industry is almost completely dead, and all that's left is the massive heap of amateur stuff. It's true that the industry drugged some, or all, living creatures in the videos, but that's not the case for the happy amateurs. There's many forums and such on the subject too. You should find one. It's a good read, or you could at least have a chat with some of the zoophiles before you go on a crusade against them. They have a lot to say, and it's very interesting.
Come to think of it, pedophiles and plenty of other paraphiliacs have a lot to tell too.
Honestly. Educate yourself a little bit before you voice your hate so loud and proud. RUMORS DO NOT COUNT AS EDUCATION!
Why do I feel like Cracked has collectively lost critical thinking as a skill recently?
Napoleon invented the EU (kinda). Whether that makes you hate him even more or admire him is up to you.
ReplyI could never admire someone who invades Russia in the middle of Winter
Yep, winter is for boning; summer is for war.
When you said "first thing that comes to mind when [you] say 'Napoleon,'", I immediately thought "crazy." Which I know damn well is another lie perpetuated by pop culture, but trying to conquer Europe is inherently funny.
ReplyIs this an older article? Because the first word I get is "Dynamite."
It's from 2009. It says so right at the top.