|
You've walked innocently past issues of Cosmopolitan magazine a thousand times, every time you've checked out at a grocery store. If you glanced at the covers then you know it's all about sex, and helping girls bring out the sexual animal in their man.
But littered amongst their mildly kinky and often impractical advice ("wear a wet t-shirt to bed!") you get horrifying tips that border on genital mutilation. Think we're kidding? As we speak, Cosmo is advising women to... #7.
Bite the Family Jewels
From: Here's something mankind has known about intercourse since the very, very first sexual act was performed: If in describing the act, the words "bite" and "scrotum" appear in the same sentence, something went catastrophically wrong. So wrong that your behavior should have earned you an unceremonious exit from the gene pool. To put this in context, when kangaroos fight each other, they use the claws on their hind legs to tear at their opponent's scrotum. Even when trying to kill each other by way of scrotal trauma, wild animals refuse to go so far as biting.
And by the way, when dealing with teeth and that area of the body, the modifier "softly" doesn't do anything to make this better. That's like saying to "gently" jam a lit cigarette into his eye. #6.
Shake His Nuts
From: Cosmopolitan Vol. 237, Issue 1, page 106. We always knew there was something sexy about Yahtzee! and now it's all so clear: It remind us of the time our girlfriend rattled our testicles around like a set of dice she was trying to shake a lucky roll out of.
Now, someone in the comments will point out that it's not necessarily Cosmo giving this advice. "Curtis, 33" wrote in with it. Don't shoot the messenger! Bullshit. We very well can shoot the messenger if the message he's carrying will result in someone rapidly slamming our balls against each other. That's self-defense right there. No, this is one of those occasions when an editor needs to think, "Sure, no other guy has said this yet, so it's unique and would therefore be interesting to our readers. But on the other hand, no other guy has said this, so maybe the guy who wrote this is totally fucking insane, or possibly a jilted woman looking to get back at the opposite sex."
For instance, we don't think a men's magazine would print a letter from a "woman" saying, "You know what really turns us ladies on? When you jab us in the ribs with a sharp stick." The editor would immediately guess that behind the letter was a balding man in his basement, with a wall covered in photos of his mother with WHORE scrawled over them in blood. #5.
Yank His Crotch Hair
From: Well, at least this one doesn't involve outright genital trauma. This little nugget recommends you pull on some dude's treasure trail hairs. You know, to turn him on.
Hey, ladies, have you ever heard a guy use the expression, "He's got me by the short hairs"? Was the guy using it in a positive way? No, because it is meant to convey the image of somebody grabbing your pubic hair and causing so much pain that they can make you do anything. Nobody unwraps a gift at Christmas and says, "Thanks, Grandma! This Xbox 360 will really get me by the short hairs!"
All right, so now what you need to understand about that strip of fur Cosmo is referencing is that it's basically pubes. It's like a pubic escape route from your pants. No one's going to publish "yank on his pubes" in a sex advice column because no one outside of a few fetish scenes would want to do it, because it's horrible. What's especially diabolical about this advice is that it sounds fine leading up to it. We're all for licking and tickling. It's like they intentionally buried the painful tip under the good ones, like a landmine. #4.
Give Him a Sneezegasm
From: This seems to derive from the retarded sex myth that, physiologically, a sneeze is somehow "1/7th of an orgasm," which you may have heard in high school or from the brain trust at Yahoo! Answers. You may be tempted to ask how in the shit you would quantify 1/7th of an orgasm, but Yahoo! isn't giving up the goods on that one.
That aside, have you ever enjoyed sneezing? Have you ever looked forward to getting a cold for the pant staining pleasure of it? Sure, there are a few sneeze fetishists out there, but that's probably a relatively small proportion of the population and odds are even they think this tip is stupid. You may think this one is tame compared to the others, but you're not fully picturing the scenario. One wrong move and you either have an eye or a sphincter full of pepper, both of which are going to create that non-sexy crying and panicked flushing of the area with water. |
6 Ridiculous Sex Myths (That Are Actually True)
The 5 Creepiest Sex Scenes in Comics
5 Bizarre Sexual Conditions That Can Ruin Your Life
10 Popular Porn Scenarios That Seem Highly Implausible
Okay... wait, author. Have you ever had sex? I'm asking because I don't think you actually understand a few of these suggestions. On being gentle... the very first time I went down on a guy he said he liked that I didn't treat his dick like it was made of glass. Since then, I've met some guys who are more sensitive than others, but overall the guys I've been with have preferred some harder sucking to light licking. HA! Okay, I do the joystick thing to my boyfriend when he's at half-mast. He gets embarrassed by it, but when I asked him he said it didn't hurt or anything. He just gets upset the same way I do when he makes my breasts bounce in time to music.It doesn't hurt, it's just annoying as hell. The Indian Rug Burn technique... okay, you're imagining it wrong. You get lotion and use a very loose grip and usually only use your thumb and forefinger to make rings, you don't wring-out a man's penis like a dishrag. It's not a great technique, but it's not painful... I agree, though, that biting the scrotum is a ridiculous suggestion, but tugging the happy trail hairs isn't so bad. It's not ripping them out... it's a bad idea for guys who hate hate hate pain, though. I realize my response to this makes me sound like a whore, but I'll live.
WOWOWOWOWO.don't you want a alone and rich women to make a appointment with you and do something you want to do?there is a convenient way "Matchcougar.com"to make you meet some rich women you just enter ======Matchcougar.com=====,and it is OK.BE FREE
I've actually seen pornos where the guy is asking the girl to bite his penis. Look up Lela Star =( My guy cringes when I merely motion towards his balls. Some guys have fetishes, the majority don't. I don't like my c**t being bitten, what makes Cosmo think dudes would like their their balls nibbled? Ouch,
Welcome to Shopping ======== http://www.itemscool.com Best quality, Best reputation , Best services With our advanced manufacturing, production lines and well-organized sales networks, we can provide many products, such as apparel, shoes, caps, handbags, etc. Our goal is "the best quality, best reputation and best services". Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs. HOT SELL Product Brand is below: Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Air Max/AF1/Dunk: $32 Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt: Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35 Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland……Shoe :$35 True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30 New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap : $13 Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani ……sunglass : $15 Nike shoes: 32 $, True Religion jeans: 30 $, Ed Hardy, t-shirts: 12 $, NFL Jersey: 20 $, Boots UGG: 50 $
Join eRepublik! Change the world, rewrite history, become the president of your country, build the biggest company in the world, or lead your country to victory in battles. You can do whatever you want, the choice is yours. http://www.erepublik.com/en/referrer/Roflolmao
I think a great follow up article would be "# Tips from Cosmo that Will Land Your Ass in Jail... Or the Loony Hatch" I subscribe to Cosmo, and in just about every issue, they advise walking up to your man IN PUBLIC and gyrating against him as you moan in his ear. The also routinely recommend engaging in various sex acts under the table at dinner, you know, like in American Pie. Call me a prude, but I would rather be celibate than do most of the stuff they tell me to.
Gentlemen, its time to join our night-club ;) http://sexualcomedy.blogspot.com/
Cosmo sex tips are only for woman who don't have the natural inclination to do anything other than lay there like a dead animal.
I was going over in my head how f__ked up it is that kangaroos try to scratch off the other's scrotum when I read the title of #5 and spit out my water
I was going over in my head how f__ked up it is that kangaroos try to scratch off the other's scrotum when I read the title of # and spit out my water
A lot of these actually aren't painful unless the person is trying to hurt you. Gentle is a key word though. In fact, if the proper technique is used (for example, with #1 you would have to have the fists somewhat loose so as to not inflict unspeakable pain), only #'s 6 and 3 would hurt, and with those it depends on the individual's sensitivity.
Great article! The last two were brilliant!
====================== HTTP://www.itemscool.com ================== ====================== HTTP://www.itemscool.com ================== Sell:Ed/POLO tshirt$13,jean$30,handbag$35,jordan shoes$32,coach lv handbag$35,coogi/burberry jean$30 Free shipping!!!our price:coach chanel gucci LV handbags $32coogi DG edhardy gucci t-shirts $15CA edhardy vests.paul smith shoes $35jordan dunk af1 max gucci shoes $33EDhardy gucci ny New Era cap $15coach okely CHANEL DG Sunglass $16.our price: (Bikini)coach chanel gucci LV handbags $32.coogi DG edhardy gucci t-shirts $15.CA edhardy vests.paul smith shoes $35.jordan dunk af1 max gucci shoes $33.EDhardy gucci ny New Era cap $15.coach okely CHANEL DG Sunglass $16
Guys, great news! You can join "Interracialconnect" freely now! *** Matchcougar.com *** There are Over millions of profiles from all over the world! No matter where you are, you can find someone just around your neighborhood. You can get their pictures, phone numbers, locations, and almost any information.
http://www.coolforsale.com Christmas is around the corner: And old customers can also enjoy the gifts sent by my company in a can also request to our company. Gifts lot,Buy more get the more。Only this site have this treatmentOur goal is "Best quality, Best reputation , Best services". Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs. New to Hong Kong : Winter Dress ---**** NHL Jersey Woman $ 40 ---**** NFL Jersey $ 35 --**** NBA Jersey $ 34 ---**** MLB Jersey $ 35 ---**** Jordan Six Ring_m $36 ---**** Air Yeezy_m $ 45 ---**** T-Shirt_m $ 25 ---**** Jacket_m $ 36 ---**** Hoody_m $ 50 ---****Manicure Set $ 20 HOT SELL Product Brand is below: Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Air Max/AF1/Dunk: $32 Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt:Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35 Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland……True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30 New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap : $13 Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani …sunglass:$15Nike shoes: 32$, True Religion jeans:30$, Ed Hardy, t-shirts:12$, NFL Jersey:20$,Boots UGG:50$ Welcome to Shopping http://www.coolforsale.com I wish you a happy shopping
Welcome to Shopping ======== http://www.itemscool.com Best quality, Best reputation , Best services With our advanced manufacturing, production lines and well-organized sales networks, we can provide many products, such as apparel, shoes, caps, handbags, etc. Our goal is "the best quality, best reputation and best services". Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs. HOT SELL Product Brand is below: Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Air Max/AF1/Dunk: $32 Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt: Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35 Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland……Shoe :$35 True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30 New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap : $13 Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani ……sunglass : $15 Nike shoes: 32 $, True Religion jeans: 30 $, Ed Hardy, t-shirts: 12 $, NFL Jersey: 20 $, Boots UGG: 50 $
wanna recognize more hot girls, you can log on _____Meet Wealthy com_____ where you can meet many hot friends including some celebrities, talking with them online, you cant expect more, where amazing happen!! awesome_-
$30 nike jordan prada timberland supra,lacoste,gucci shoes $25 CHANEL, GUCCI, LV, COACH, FENDI, BURBERRY, D&G, JUICY, Ed Hardy handbag $30 coogi jeans,armani,Crow Holder,D&G,Evisu jeans,Diesel,Christian Audigier,Rock,True Religion,Affliction,Ed Hardy,RMC jeans etc $35 Coogi,Crow Holder,D&G,Evisu,Bape,BBC,Diesel,Christan Audigier,Rock, True Religion, Affliction, Ed Hardy, RMC hoodies $15 Michael Jackson, Armani t-shirts,Affliction,Coogi,Ed hardy,LRG,Crown older,Evisu,G-star,Polo,Christian Audigier t-shirts Top quality! Free shipping!Free returns!No any extra cost! Please visit -----------------------http://www.netsowntown.com
... I like sneezing. I mean, not in a sexual way, but still. Also, come on, I may be a girl, but gently pulling pubes really does not hurt, unless your massively yanking it.
Is it natural that people seek Beauty and Wealthy???? then we know why rich man wants beautiful woman and sexy woman wants successful man.. you know so many online services focus on it now.. such as -----AffluentSingle.com----- where many real & hot woman and successful & wealthy man waiting for hooking up!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
6 Horrifying Ways to Improve Your Sex Life
The Masturbation Double Standard
The 5 Most Horrific Ways People Have Tried to Discourage Sex
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
Fark
