You've walked innocently past issues of Cosmopolitan magazine a thousand times, every time you've checked out at a grocery store. If you glanced at the covers then you know it's all about sex, and helping girls bring out the sexual animal in their man.
Not that kind.
But littered amongst their mildly kinky and often impractical advice ("wear a wet t-shirt to bed!") you get horrifying tips that border on genital mutilation.
Think we're kidding? As we speak, Cosmo is advising women to...
7Bite the Family Jewels
Here's something mankind has known about intercourse since the very, very first sexual act was performed: If in describing the act, the words "bite" and "scrotum" appear in the same sentence, something went catastrophically wrong. So wrong that your behavior should have earned you an unceremonious exit from the gene pool.
To put this in context, when kangaroos fight each other, they use the claws on their hind legs to tear at their opponent's scrotum. Even when trying to kill each other by way of scrotal trauma, wild animals refuse to go so far as biting.
And by the way, when dealing with teeth and that area of the body, the modifier "softly" doesn't do anything to make this better. That's like saying to "gently" jam a lit cigarette into his eye.
6Shake His Nuts
Cosmopolitan Vol. 237, Issue 1, page 106.
We always knew there was something sexy about Yahtzee! and now it's all so clear: It remind us of the time our girlfriend rattled our testicles around like a set of dice she was trying to shake a lucky roll out of.
Now, someone in the comments will point out that it's not necessarily Cosmo giving this advice. "Curtis, 33" wrote in with it. Don't shoot the messenger!
Bullshit. We very well can shoot the messenger if the message he's carrying will result in someone rapidly slamming our balls against each other. That's self-defense right there.
No, this is one of those occasions when an editor needs to think, "Sure, no other guy has said this yet, so it's unique and would therefore be interesting to our readers. But on the other hand, no other guy has said this, so maybe the guy who wrote this is totally fucking insane, or possibly a jilted woman looking to get back at the opposite sex."
For instance, we don't think a men's magazine would print a letter from a "woman" saying, "You know what really turns us ladies on? When you jab us in the ribs with a sharp stick." The editor would immediately guess that behind the letter was a balding man in his basement, with a wall covered in photos of his mother with WHORE scrawled over them in blood.