The 6 Dumbest Things Schools Are Doing in the Name of Safety

#3. Banning All Outside Food

Ask a bunch of kids what their favorite part of the school day is and almost all of them will either say lunch or recess. Many schools have already ruined recess by banning tag and other "contact sports," so naturally the next step is to ruin lunch. Some schools manage to do this while providing a semi-valid reason like allergies or kids bringing items purchased from an erotic bakery, but one Chicago school decided they must ban all food brought from home to protect students from their own (or in most cases, their parents') bad decisions.

"I've deep fried your pencil case for when you get peckish."

The principal of Little Village Academy in Chicago said she was tired of seeing kids bring soda and "flaming hot chips" on field trips. Instead of realizing that students don't go on field trips every day and probably don't always eat this way, she decided to do what any rational school administrator would do -- ban all food.

Expulsions, detentions and general child movement went down 300 percent.

No, not really. But she did decide to ban all food brought from home, which is kind of the same thing for those students who realize that school cafeteria food is one step above what you get in a hospital. She did say she makes exceptions for students with allergies, but there doesn't seem to be much hope for students unfortunate enough to have healthy immune systems.

This ban has actually been in effect for six years, so why is this just now making the news? It might have something to do with the fact that the school recently changed their lunch menu to add healthier (read: more disgusting) food. However, they admit that they've seen a dropoff in what they call "meal participation" this year, as students would rather go hungry than eat the horror that has been set before them.

Nothing teaches a kid about life like square pizza and soggy tater tots.

#2. Forcing Students to Wear Prison Jumpsuits for Dress Code Violations

Dress codes arguably have a necessary purpose in schools, particularly in terms of trying to lessen distractions in a classroom or solve issues with kids stealing from other kids. However, figuring out how to enforce a dress code can be a difficult; after all, kids are going to be kids, and the more you try to enforce it, the more they want to push the envelope. "You said I had to wear pants, you didn't say they couldn't be assless."

Therefore, a school in, yet again, Texas, decided to try a new tactic: make a public example of the students who violate the dress code. How? By making them wear prison jumpsuits.


And what, exactly, constitutes a violation of the dress code at Gonzales High School? The obvious stuff, like wearing clothes that expose underwear. But how about cargo pants, baggy pants or T-shirts? In other words, if you look like a normal member of the community, you could be violating the school dress code and will be forced to dress like an inmate. No more dress code distractions in class now!

Just the shanking!

Of course, this whole system means that the students would have to experience some shame and ridicule wearing the jumpsuits for it to be effective ... which is the exact opposite of what happened. According to one student, "I talked to some of my friends about it and they said they are not going to obey the dress code just so they can wear the jumpsuit."

"Dangerous escaped convict or 14-year-old boy? Either way, hot."

#1. Deterring Bad Behavior by Issuing Stiff Fines

Maybe your 10-year-old kid decides one day it would be funny if he tossed some spit wads at the kid in the front row of the classroom, or to stuff a classmate into a locker. Of course, your kid may get caught and face a reprimand. Maybe he would have to spend some time in detention. Maybe he'd have to see the principal. Or maybe he'd have to pay a $500 fine.

Wait, what?

Schools in, yes, Texas, and other areas of the country have taken to having campus police write tickets to students for everything ranging from creating disturbances in class to cursing and fighting.

It's all part of the new Texas "Every Child Locked Behind Bars" initiative.

Now, this might make some kind of sense if most of the between 4,000 and 6,000 students who were ticketed since 2005 were high schoolers. After all, high school kids are almost adults, and the bad stuff they do is probably more along the lines of fighting and vandalism than making faces at a teacher. But that isn't the case. Many of the tickets are being written for elementary school kids, such as the 92 criminal citations given to 10-year-olds in Dallas in 2006 and 2007. Several districts ticketed kids as young as 6.

Cough up, kid, or take up dealing.

Since the police are writing the tickets, the schools are out of the loop. That's right: Your 10-year-old kid gets a ticket, he gets to go to court and talk to a judge about why he was swearing. Between court costs and having to take time off work to drive the juvenile delinquents down to the court house to explain why they were being ... er ... kids, it's costing parents a lot more than the fines, even if some of those are commuted to community service.

Which, frankly, is useless, as kids are terrible at manual labor.

In one documented case, a teenager was forced to pay $637 for the ticket and court costs, and at least one other parent wound up paying around $1,500 in tickets.

"I started my life of crime by giving wedgies to nerds behind the science block."

But hey, at least it works, right? Eh, not really. Houston ISD's Assistant Police Chief Victor Mitchell notes, "Some kids, it doesn't even faze them. It's just a piece of paper. Some kids are concerned because they know their parents are going to be concerned. But some kids have become immune to it."

Oh, they'll be concerned once we starting going with jail time for this shit.

For more modern ideas that were here before us, check out 11 Modern Technologies That Are Way Older Than You Think and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.

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