The 6 Dumbest Things Schools Are Doing in the Name of Safety

Then there are the privacy issues that RFID technology usually brings to the table, along with parents concerned that the system where the identification data is stored could be hacked. And of course, there's the whole thing with training kids to get used to being electronically tracked at every moment of the day ...

Hey, and why stop here? If schools are willing to use electronic tracking, why not make truant kids wear ankle bracelets, like just-released felons? Oh, wait, a school in San Antonio is already doing that.

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"I understand you're a boy who knows how to get things ...".

We don't want to joke about pedophilia, or belittle all of the parents who spend time worrying about it. But there is a line between precaution and mindless panic.

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"... so I should just turn myself in now? He won't let go."

For instance, to make sure all students are safe from the dangers of the world's online child porn mongers, a school in England has done the only logical thing they could think of -- ban everyone from taking any pictures of the students, ever. This ban applies to parents, other students, caretakers, friends, relatives ... basically all humans who attend any school events on or off campus, including school plays, sporting events and field trips.

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Here's little Jimmy's fourth-grade photo!

So what's the big deal? First off, they're basically stripping away the possibility of capturing many of the valuable Kodak moments that happen in a child's formative years (the ones they'll want to show their own children so they can know what life was like before the Great Nano-Zombie Plague).

But more importantly, they're missing a great opportunity to actually do their jobs -- teaching children something meaningful that they can apply to the real world. Like, for instance, what to look out for when it comes to real-world creeps, other than "everyone who owns a camera."

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"Oh God, take him before I make a record of this happy occasion!"

Also, either there is a real misunderstanding of how child porn works, or the school grossly overestimates the sexiness of its children. If allowing children to be photographed playing soccer or doing a drama club performance of Fiddler on the Roof is enough to turn on pedophiles, then we probably just have to accept that fact. The next step is just throwing a tarp over the students any time they're in public for fear that someone nearby is getting aroused.

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Ghosts are the only language pedophiles understand.

To make sure nobody gets out of line and all students are safe, Fairfax Middle School in Virginia decided to start teaching students how to behave properly right when they walk in the door that first day. Just kidding! That wouldn't be fun for us at all. Instead, they seemed to take the easy way out and said, "Screw it -- no touching, ever."

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"Repress your emotions! You'll thank me when you're stuck in a loveless marriage."

That's right -- in 2007, they banned any and all physical contact because the faculty believes students are incapable of understanding that there is a difference between a congratulatory high-five between two friends and a punch to the face.

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"Great job on that test, buddy!"

This ban isn't just enforced in the classroom. Students are forbidden to touch each other while at lunch, in the hallway or at any other time during school hours.

The principal defended the ban, saying she's seen too many incidents of students playing bloody knuckles -- a game that involves two idiots slamming their knuckles together as hard as they can. This seems to imply that all touching is a slippery slope that always ends in slapstick fist-smashing.

The worst part is that FMS isn't the only school taking such extreme measures; these kinds of over-the-top precautions are showing up more often now that more school administrators have taken a ride on the crazy train (where they were apparently also groped and beaten). East Shore Middle School in Connecticut adopted the same policy in 2009. This one came about after a kick to the groin sent a student to the hospital.

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This incident clearly warrants a knee-jerk reaction.

So, instead of banning groin kicks (which we suspect were already against the rules), East Shore banned hugging, high-fiving and shaking hands on school grounds. Students caught high-fiving a classmate could receive detention, a suspension or even expulsion.

Some students decided to fight back by duct taping their arms to their sides as a form of protest. Which also misses the point, since their legs would still be free for groin kicking. Damn, even their acts of defiance don't make sense.

The principal of Little Village Academy in Chicago said she was tired of seeing kids bring soda and "flaming hot chips" on field trips. Instead of realizing that students don't go on field trips every day and probably don't always eat this way, she decided to do what any rational school administrator would do -- ban all food.

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Expulsions, detentions and general child movement went down 300 percent.

No, not really. But she did decide to ban all food brought from home, which is kind of the same thing for those students who realize that school cafeteria food is one step above what you get in a hospital. She did say she makes exceptions for students with allergies, but there doesn't seem to be much hope for students unfortunate enough to have healthy immune systems.

This ban has actually been in effect for six years, so why is this just now making the news? It might have something to do with the fact that the school recently changed their lunch menu to add healthier (read: more disgusting) food. However, they admit that they've seen a dropoff in what they call "meal participation" this year, as students would rather go hungry than eat the horror that has been set before them.

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Nothing teaches a kid about life like square pizza and soggy tater tots.

And what, exactly, constitutes a violation of the dress code at Gonzales High School? The obvious stuff, like wearing clothes that expose underwear. But how about cargo pants, baggy pants or T-shirts? In other words, if you look like a normal member of the community, you could be violating the school dress code and will be forced to dress like an inmate. No more dress code distractions in class now!

Via foxnews.com
Just the shanking!

Of course, this whole system means that the students would have to experience some shame and ridicule wearing the jumpsuits for it to be effective ... which is the exact opposite of what happened. According to one student, "I talked to some of my friends about it and they said they are not going to obey the dress code just so they can wear the jumpsuit."

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"Dangerous escaped convict or 14-year-old boy? Either way, hot."

Now, this might make some kind of sense if most of the between 4,000 and 6,000 students who were ticketed since 2005 were high schoolers. After all, high school kids are almost adults, and the bad stuff they do is probably more along the lines of fighting and vandalism than making faces at a teacher. But that isn't the case. Many of the tickets are being written for elementary school kids, such as the 92 criminal citations given to 10-year-olds in Dallas in 2006 and 2007. Several districts ticketed kids as young as 6.

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Cough up, kid, or take up dealing.

Since the police are writing the tickets, the schools are out of the loop. That's right: Your 10-year-old kid gets a ticket, he gets to go to court and talk to a judge about why he was swearing. Between court costs and having to take time off work to drive the juvenile delinquents down to the court house to explain why they were being ... er ... kids, it's costing parents a lot more than the fines, even if some of those are commuted to community service.

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Which, frankly, is useless, as kids are terrible at manual labor.

In one documented case, a teenager was forced to pay $637 for the ticket and court costs, and at least one other parent wound up paying around $1,500 in tickets.

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"I started my life of crime by giving wedgies to nerds behind the science block."

But hey, at least it works, right? Eh, not really. Houston ISD's Assistant Police Chief Victor Mitchell notes, "Some kids, it doesn't even faze them. It's just a piece of paper. Some kids are concerned because they know their parents are going to be concerned. But some kids have become immune to it."

Oh, they'll be concerned once we starting going with jail time for this shit.

For more modern ideas that were here before us, check out 11 Modern Technologies That Are Way Older Than You Think and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.