5 Awesomely Sarcastic Supreme Court Decisions

When people picture what goes on in the Supreme Court, they imagine austere justices arguing and deliberating on issues that will decide the fate of Law itself.

However, the Supreme Court, like any other court in the land, hears more than one case per day. This means that it does happen, however rarely, that the justices are forced to preside over bullshit. And since the justices are human beings just like us, they can't help but call it out when they see it ...

#5. "But Bertman's Counsel (So Far as the Record Shows) Is Not Superman ..."

One of the most smartass rulings in Supreme Court history came about because of some spoiled tomatoes. In short, a tomato supplier named Joseph Bertman got sued by the U.S. government because the goods arrived spoiled. The court sided with Bertman because it wasn't his fault -- it was the shipping company's screwup.

Now, if you lose a court case and want to appeal, you have 60 days to file it. And if the government was going to appeal this case, Bertman was going to have to respond within that same deadline. So the government simply waited to file until right before closing time on the 60th day, so Bertman wouldn't have a chance to do his part.


Bertman fought the government's dickery all the way to the Supreme Court, where Justice Hugo Black put Bertman's predicament into words we can all understand:

"I am aware of the argument that an able, alert, ever-diligent lawyer could have, had he tried hard enough, discovered that the Government had appealed -- even in the closing hours of the sixtieth day. I do not doubt that had Bertman's counsel been Superman, his X-ray eyes would have told him that a notice of appeal was being filed blocks away in the courthouse, or had he been a lawyer with no clients but Bertman he could have spent the sixtieth day hovering at the clerk's office to see whether the Government would file a notice of appeal. But Bertman's counsel (so far as the record shows) is not Superman, nor should the law expect him to be."

Though it did turn out that he was the Incredible Hulk.

The Verdict:

Despite Justice Black's eloquent argument, Bertman lost. Technically, Uncle Sam didn't break any laws, and unfortunately the courts are there to declare only what is illegal, not what is merely shitty. The lesson is apparently that the next time you're up against the government, maybe you should hire Superman as your lawyer.

#4. "We Justices Must Confront What Is Indeed an Awesome Responsibility ... to Decide What Is Golf."

The legal lunacy began when Casey Martin, a professional golfer, requested that the PGA allow him to play every round of an upcoming tournament riding a cart instead of walking from hole to hole. You see, Martin was born with a syndrome known as Klippel-Trenaunay-Weber, which besides sounding like two of the three worst attempts ever at cheating at Scrabble, also denied him full use of his right leg.

Plus, he wanted to "tear ass and do doughnuts and shit."

The PGA turned down Martin's request, pointing out not only that Martin would have an unfair advantage against his competition, but also that walking is a fundamental aspect of golf. Martin figured this was the same as any other workplace discriminating against somebody with a disability, and he sued. Somehow, the issue of whether wheels and a cushioned seat are appropriate golf equipment was deemed so important that it wound up before the Supreme Court ... where the justices found it to be a face-palmingly ridiculous waste of their time.

It was apparent they'd need the curly wigs for this one.

Justice Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court's funniest judge (There was a scientific study done on this. Seriously.), was at his sarcastic best when he remarked:

"We Justices must confront what is indeed an awesome responsibility. It has been rendered the solemn duty of the Supreme Court of the United States ... to decide What Is Golf. I am sure that the Framers of the Constitution ... fully expected that sooner or later the paths of golf and government, the law and the links, would once again cross, and that the judges of this august Court would some day have to wrestle with that age-old jurisprudential question, for which their years of study in the law have so well prepared them: Is someone riding around a golf course from shot to shot really a golfer? Either out of humility or out of self-respect (one or the other) the Court should decline to answer this incredibly difficult and incredibly silly question."

Hey. There is nothing silly about golf carts.

The Verdict:

Sarcastic commentary aside, Martin won his case. So if you ever feel like a round of mini-golf and the attendant tries to kick you out for driving your custom off-road golf cart on the course, you tell him the Supreme Freaking Court of the United States gave you permission.

#3. "Notwithstanding Nightmarish Images of Out-of-Control Flatware, Livestock Run Amok, and Colliding Tubas ..."

In the town of Tecumseh, Oklahoma, parents and school officials finally had it up to here with all these damn drugs and these damn kids. They decided to use the tiniest excuse possible to subject the greatest number of schoolchildren to mandatory drug testing, and they settled on testing anyone who wanted to be in extracurricular activities. So from then on, all extracurriculars would require drug testing. All of them.


Lindsay Earls, who was a member of choir, the marching band, the Academic Team and the National Honor Society -- and would thus have been mandated to piss in a cup at least four times solely under suspicion of nerdity in the first degree -- filed a lawsuit on behalf of the students.

Earls cited the Constitution, in which the Fourth Amendment grants you privacy and requires that authorities have reasonable suspicion to search you. Lawyers for Pottawatomie County, where Tecumseh is located, countered that children on drugs pose a physical danger to themselves and others while performing any extracurricular activity. Even chess.

And let's face it, that is clearly a gigantic bong.

Since they were fighting the War on Drugs and this was the children we were talking about, the legal fires remained lit until the case was heard before the Supreme Court. Once it got there, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg tried to speak for those few adults who hadn't lost their minds:

"The School District cites the dangers faced by members of the band, who must perform extremely precise routines with heavy equipment and instruments in close proximity to other students and by Future Farmers of America, who are required to individually control and restrain animals as large as 1500 pounds ... Notwithstanding nightmarish images of out-of-control flatware, livestock run amok, and colliding tubas disturbing the peace and quiet of Tecumseh, the great majority of students the School District seeks to test in truth are engaged in activities that are not safety sensitive to an unusual degree."

In other words, "... seriously?"

The Verdict:

Justice Ginsburg may have tried to be the voice of reason here, but Earls actually lost this case. In a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court found that the children don't need none of that highfalutin' privacy. Although most high schools in the country don't test students for drugs just for belonging to the math team, if you want to join it in the town of Tecumseh, you're going to have to piss in a cup, Junior -- or no Trig Olympics for you!

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