As anyone this side of the Hall of Justice will tell you, the first sign of megavillainy is declaring that everyone else in the world is wrong and you're right. We've found seven people with the ego, the balls and the terrifying machinery to shout, "Everyone in the world was boning wrong before I came along!"
P.S. -- The second sign of megavillainy is applying for a patent to prove it.
7The Transparent Crotch
This looks understandable, though tragic.
Hey guys, how many times has this happened to you? You're having sex with a real woman, and you can't see what's going on inside her v-hole? THAT'S THE WORST, RIGHT? It sure was to Ken E. Wong, and he decided to do something about it. By inventing a transparent cock sock.
Now at first, this just appears to be a Fleshlight, the tube-shaped masturbation aid some of you may own at this very moment. He describes it as a "liquid-filled sheath" for "human males who, for whatever reason, desire to experience the simulated sensations of sexual intercourse without the benefit of a female partner." We particularly like the "for whatever reason," as though there are any number of not-sad explanations you'd own one of these, and not just "lack of willing female partner and /or excess of restraining orders."
"With my busy schedule of masturbating and crying while masturbating, I haven't had time to meet Mrs. Right."
But the real crazy hits the fan when this player spent hundreds of words complaining about how every other vaginal replacement product hid his glorious penis from him during intercourse. As if seeing his penis in action was the whole point of sex altogether. That's why he built this: Unless he hooks up with one of the aliens from The Abyss or Sue Storm, he's completely given up on finding his perfect woman. Because their stupid vaginas keeping hiding his glorious manhood.
First, Sex Bong is a great name for a band, and we're claiming it. Second, we wish that was all it was.
"Method of using a water pipe" is a pretty coy description from someone installing weed paraphernalia into a woman's baby-maker. The sex bong uses the vagina as a water reservoir for a bong, while the smoker "provides stimulating bubbles." Because apparently this guy thought if his mouth was sucking in illegal substances, it might as well be providing someone with an orgasm at the same time.
"You know what'd go really well with this? Vagina."
For anyone who's ever actually been a woman, or had an orgasm, this idea is more terrible than using tectonic drift as an egg timer. Actually it's twice as bad as that since the tempo is wrong twice. First, they're called bong rips for a reason. The best way to take them has more in common with band aid removal than it does with the slow and steady tempo of good sex. On the off chance that this experience does get her in the mood, the bong user is going to be more interesting in relaxing, and watching Lord of the Rings on Blu-Ray. If anyone manages to have sex after using this thing, it's going to be the sexual equivalent of the Flash arguing with a giant redwood. Which we're fairly sure happened in a comic once and are absolutely sure didn't involve crotches.
Or at least no more than spandex costumes normally do.