The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented

Patent # US007122000B1

First, Sex Bong is a great name for a band, and we're claiming it. Second, we wish that was all it was.

"Method of using a water pipe" is a pretty coy description from someone installing weed paraphernalia into a woman's baby-maker. The sex bong uses the vagina as a water reservoir for a bong, while the smoker "provides stimulating bubbles." Because apparently this guy thought if his mouth was sucking in illegal substances, it might as well be providing someone with an orgasm at the same time.

"You know what'd go really well with this? Vagina."

For anyone who's ever actually been a woman, or had an orgasm, this idea is more terrible than using tectonic drift as an egg timer. Actually it's twice as bad as that since the tempo is wrong twice. First, they're called bong rips for a reason. The best way to take them has more in common with band aid removal than it does with the slow and steady tempo of good sex. On the off chance that this experience does get her in the mood, the bong user is going to be more interesting in relaxing, and watching Lord of the Rings on Blu-Ray. If anyone manages to have sex after using this thing, it's going to be the sexual equivalent of the Flash arguing with a giant redwood. Which we're fairly sure happened in a comic once and are absolutely sure didn't involve crotches.

Or at least no more than spandex costumes normally do.

And by the way, in order to get that whole "sensing how stimulated you are" bit just right, he's got rubber and metal rings on the jerking hand. And apparently has no problem with that. It's like he doesn't even understand how masturbation works. He's either Hellraiser or a T-1000 who's forgotten his programming -- those of us with non-metallic/masochistic genitals aren't excited by electrically power-sanding them.

The rest of the patent reads like Lieutenant Commander Data just discovered his own crotch and spent the rest of his life wiring it to things. High technology and gratuitous self-manipulation haven't been so blatantly combined since Evangelion.

Every person involved in this show did his job one-handed.

The crazy thing doesn't even fit over regular electric toothbrushes -- it requires users to buy his special Swiss Army Orifice toothbrush, which can be connected not only to a brush but also to various terrifying drills. Apparently, Harkness thinks the birth canal is part of a Constructo set. He'll probably include a bidet hose and colonoscopy probe as soon as he finds out girls have that hole, too. This is something a nine-year-old boy would invent before working out he was gay, and even then it wouldn't matter because he was going to stay a virgin anyway.

Because apparently, it works on boobs, too. Anything claiming to fit both penis and breast is either a human mouth or lying (and not nearly as much fun). He also suggests it could be used by federal agencies to detect "deviant sexual tendencies," which is pretty ballsy for someone who built an electrical cock-collar and then told the government, "THIS IS MINE. I DID THIS."

The insane obsession with dick length is shared only by men who both
a) spend more time worrying about their penis than using it, and
b) are at the lower end of that scale. This inventor might be the worst of all because he's not just insecure enough to care about penis size, he's pedantic enough to say "Actually we should measure it like this."

In what must be the least likely (or useful) diagnostic argument in history, Jason Turner claims it's not length or girth but cubic volume that really matters when it comes to dicks. And to find out how much penis the penis is capable of penising, this invention uses water displacement to do the job. In other words, you stick your junk in a water-filled box, and however much water is kicked out by your dick tells you how big said dick is. IT'S SO SIMPLE.

THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED.

Except this aquatic genital measurement kit has more configurations than the average Transformer and requires a magic watertight barrier that doesn't actually exist. There's absolutely no thought given to removing it without a mess, presumably because as far as Turner is concerned, once you've got your dick in something AND you know how big it is, there's nothing else you could possibly care about. Enjoy cleaning out a sink of penis water, Mrs. Turner.