6

Sex Bong

Patent # US007122000B1

First, Sex Bong is a great name for a band, and we're claiming it. Second, we wish that was all it was.

"Method of using a water pipe" is a pretty coy description from someone installing weed paraphernalia into a woman's baby-maker. The sex bong uses the vagina as a water reservoir for a bong, while the smoker "provides stimulating bubbles." Because apparently this guy thought if his mouth was sucking in illegal substances, it might as well be providing someone with an orgasm at the same time.

"You know what'd go really well with this? Vagina."

For anyone who's ever actually been a woman, or had an orgasm, this idea is more terrible than using tectonic drift as an egg timer. Actually it's twice as bad as that since the tempo is wrong twice. First, they're called bong rips for a reason. The best way to take them has more in common with band aid removal than it does with the slow and steady tempo of good sex. On the off chance that this experience does get her in the mood, the bong user is going to be more interesting in relaxing, and watching Lord of the Rings on Blu-Ray. If anyone manages to have sex after using this thing, it's going to be the sexual equivalent of the Flash arguing with a giant redwood. Which we're fairly sure happened in a comic once and are absolutely sure didn't involve crotches.

Or at least no more than spandex costumes normally do.

5

Masturbation-Powered Motion Controller

Patent # US 20100045595A1

For anyone who's ever longed for a jerking-activated PowerPoint presentation of porn, we have your patent. It works like this: You put the jerking glove on, then sensors register your, umm, jerkingness, and respond to your arousal by putting appropriate images on your computer screen. This man uses more science to put porn on his monitor than NASA used to put man on the moon. Behold:

And by the way, in order to get that whole "sensing how stimulated you are" bit just right, he's got rubber and metal rings on the jerking hand. And apparently has no problem with that. It's like he doesn't even understand how masturbation works. He's either Hellraiser or a T-1000 who's forgotten his programming -- those of us with non-metallic/masochistic genitals aren't excited by electrically power-sanding them.

The rest of the patent reads like Lieutenant Commander Data just discovered his own crotch and spent the rest of his life wiring it to things. High technology and gratuitous self-manipulation haven't been so blatantly combined since Evangelion.

Every person involved in this show did his job one-handed.

4

Budget Vagina Dentata Cleaner/Exciter

Patent # US 20070244418A1

This is exactly what it looks like: a product that converts a woman's toothbrush into a vibrator.

Stuart Harkness' electric toothbrush conversion kit has a target market of less than zero. It's like releasing a Pokemon-brand condom: Nobody wants to use it, or if they do, they certainly shouldn't be allowed to. Anyone OK with combining crotch and dental care is probably growing enough cultures in both regions that this will act as a shuttle bus between the two civilizations.

"You guys hear? The Lion King is playing in Taint tonight."

The crazy thing doesn't even fit over regular electric toothbrushes -- it requires users to buy his special Swiss Army Orifice toothbrush, which can be connected not only to a brush but also to various terrifying drills. Apparently, Harkness thinks the birth canal is part of a Constructo set. He'll probably include a bidet hose and colonoscopy probe as soon as he finds out girls have that hole, too. This is something a nine-year-old boy would invent before working out he was gay, and even then it wouldn't matter because he was going to stay a virgin anyway.

3

The Arousal Meter

2

The Eureka Cock-Measuring Bath

Patent # US 20060111650A1 (Note: Do NOT offer to wash the dishes in this man's house.)

The very first line of this patent is "A volumetric device for measuring a body part," which is a bit shy for a man who invented a way to stick his dick in a water hole that wasn't his wife.

Was that offensive to women? Shit, we don't even know anymore.

1

The Safest Sex Suit

No d'enregistrement national (French): 198800-17191

Leave it to the French to come up with a sex outfit that will protect you from every STD ever, including AIDS, dignity and air. This is the ultimate in safe sex, and that's "ultimate" as in "last," because anything you need this to screw is going to just kill you anyway. It's like someone was commanded to have a threesome with Tila Tequila and Charlie Sheen and had five minutes to design some way to survive.

The result looks like Tony Stark was stuck in a cave full of Wellington boots instead of weapons.

SO HOT.

It's sexy talk taken much too far -- it's one thing to call her a dirty girl, but another to spend an hour clambering into a more ridiculous suit than a Captain Planet villain. You'd also feel more if you stuck your dick in a tractor tire, and at least then there are probably Internet groups you can hang out with.

It's sad to see the recession affecting even fairy tales, forcing the Gingerbread man to work as a gimp.

The sex doesn't stop there, folks. Get some more in our new book (that you can have sex with).

For terrifying creations from the sex world, check out The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.