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The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented

By:: Luke McKinney

February 26, 2011

As anyone this side of the Hall of Justice will tell you, the first sign of megavillainy is declaring that everyone else in the world is wrong and you're right. We've found seven people with the ego, the balls and the terrifying machinery to shout, "Everyone in the world was boning wrong before I came along!"

P.S. -- The second sign of megavillainy is applying for a patent to prove it.

7 The Transparent Crotch

38 30 22' 32 12 25 10 10 16 18 8 26 30 18 12 16 32

Patent # US 20060264856A1

This looks understandable, though tragic.

Hey guys, how many times has this happened to you? You're having sex with a real woman, and you can't see what's going on inside her v-hole? THAT'S THE WORST, RIGHT? It sure was to Ken E. Wong, and he decided to do something about it. By inventing a transparent cock sock.

Now at first, this just appears to be a Fleshlight, the tube-shaped masturbation aid some of you may own at this very moment. He describes it as a "liquid-filled sheath" for "human males who, for whatever reason, desire to experience the simulated sensations of sexual intercourse without the benefit of a female partner." We particularly like the "for whatever reason," as though there are any number of not-sad explanations you'd own one of these, and not just "lack of willing female partner and /or excess of restraining orders."

The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented

"With my busy schedule of masturbating and crying while masturbating, I haven't had time to meet Mrs. Right."

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But the real crazy hits the fan when this player spent hundreds of words complaining about how every other vaginal replacement product hid his glorious penis from him during intercourse. As if seeing his penis in action was the whole point of sex altogether. That's why he built this: Unless he hooks up with one of the aliens from The Abyss or Sue Storm, he's completely given up on finding his perfect woman. Because their stupid vaginas keeping hiding his glorious manhood.

6 Sex Bong

32 FIC.S 44 FIG.5 10 14 42 22 -22 24 -24

Patent # US007122000B1

First, Sex Bong is a great name for a band, and we're claiming it. Second, we wish that was all it was.

"Method of using a water pipe" is a pretty coy description from someone installing weed paraphernalia into a woman's baby-maker. The sex bong uses the vagina as a water reservoir for a bong, while the smoker "provides stimulating bubbles." Because apparently this guy thought if his mouth was sucking in illegal substances, it might as well be providing someone with an orgasm at the same time.

"You know what'd go really well with this? Vagina."

For anyone who's ever actually been a woman, or had an orgasm, this idea is more terrible than using tectonic drift as an egg timer. Actually it's twice as bad as that since the tempo is wrong twice. First, they're called bong rips for a reason. The best way to take them has more in common with band aid removal than it does with the slow and steady tempo of good sex. On the off chance that this experience does get her in the mood, the bong user is going to be more interesting in relaxing, and watching Lord of the Rings on Blu-Ray. If anyone manages to have sex after using this thing, it's going to be the sexual equivalent of the Flash arguing with a giant redwood. Which we're fairly sure happened in a comic once and are absolutely sure didn't involve crotches.

Or at least no more than spandex costumes normally do.

5 Masturbation-Powered Motion Controller

Patent # US 20100045595A1

For anyone who's ever longed for a jerking-activated PowerPoint presentation of porn, we have your patent. It works like this: You put the jerking glove on, then sensors register your, umm, jerkingness, and respond to your arousal by putting appropriate images on your computer screen. This man uses more science to put porn on his monitor than NASA used to put man on the moon. Behold:

3 Teate wlrnealar Z ADeeret Teiatet FIG IC

And by the way, in order to get that whole "sensing how stimulated you are" bit just right, he's got rubber and metal rings on the jerking hand. And apparently has no problem with that. It's like he doesn't even understand how masturbation works. He's either Hellraiser or a T-1000 who's forgotten his programming -- those of us with non-metallic/masochistic genitals aren't excited by electrically power-sanding them.

We're not sure what this is, but it looks very painful.

The rest of the patent reads like Lieutenant Commander Data just discovered his own crotch and spent the rest of his life wiring it to things. High technology and gratuitous self-manipulation haven't been so blatantly combined since Evangelion.

K Baarore 460t I IL IC n 05 30USYYX- MOCtA 1N-X

Every person involved in this show did his job one-handed.

4 Budget Vagina Dentata Cleaner/Exciter

Patent # US 20070244418A1

This is exactly what it looks like: a product that converts a woman's toothbrush into a vibrator.

Stuart Harkness' electric toothbrush conversion kit has a target market of less than zero. It's like releasing a Pokemon-brand condom: Nobody wants to use it, or if they do, they certainly shouldn't be allowed to. Anyone OK with combining crotch and dental care is probably growing enough cultures in both regions that this will act as a shuttle bus between the two civilizations.

"You guys hear? The Lion King is playing in Taint tonight."

The crazy thing doesn't even fit over regular electric toothbrushes -- it requires users to buy his special Swiss Army Orifice toothbrush, which can be connected not only to a brush but also to various terrifying drills. Apparently, Harkness thinks the birth canal is part of a Constructo set. He'll probably include a bidet hose and colonoscopy probe as soon as he finds out girls have that hole, too. This is something a nine-year-old boy would invent before working out he was gay, and even then it wouldn't matter because he was going to stay a virgin anyway.

3 The Arousal Meter

130 8 135 134 150 137 94 130 114 134 130 134 130 114 136 134 135 142 136 135 138) 150 N 136 136 146 137 -137 FIG. 150 98 102 150 146 6 8 98 102 146 14

Patent # US006050959A

This is another patent that reveals much more about the inventor than what he actually invented. This guy proposed a Saw-style contraption to tell when people are sexually excited by sensing genital swelling. Because the penis is normally so subtle about that. The device involves copper wiring, hinges, electricity and harnesses -- he only needs hissing spiders to complete our "things we don't want on our dick" list.

He's also convinced that this baby is the Swiss army knife of genital measurement.

280 284 308 N 16 295 124 292 328 320 312 ne 16 2RA 300 YR 324 FIG. 15 ye 284 N 284 St T 324 324 S 128 308 324 328 332 3A FIG. 16 316 312 OA 2 312 FIG.

Because apparently, it works on boobs, too. Anything claiming to fit both penis and breast is either a human mouth or lying (and not nearly as much fun). He also suggests it could be used by federal agencies to detect "deviant sexual tendencies," which is pretty ballsy for someone who built an electrical cock-collar and then told the government, "THIS IS MINE. I DID THIS."

2 The Eureka Cock-Measuring Bath

Patent # US 20060111650A1 (Note: Do NOT offer to wash the dishes in this man's house.)

The very first line of this patent is "A volumetric device for measuring a body part," which is a bit shy for a man who invented a way to stick his dick in a water hole that wasn't his wife.

Was that offensive to women? Shit, we don't even know anymore.

The insane obsession with dick length is shared only by men who both
a) spend more time worrying about their penis than using it, and
b) are at the lower end of that scale. This inventor might be the worst of all because he's not just insecure enough to care about penis size, he's pedantic enough to say "Actually we should measure it like this."

In what must be the least likely (or useful) diagnostic argument in history, Jason Turner claims it's not length or girth but cubic volume that really matters when it comes to dicks. And to find out how much penis the penis is capable of penising, this invention uses water displacement to do the job. In other words, you stick your junk in a water-filled box, and however much water is kicked out by your dick tells you how big said dick is. IT'S SO SIMPLE.

THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED.

Except this aquatic genital measurement kit has more configurations than the average Transformer and requires a magic watertight barrier that doesn't actually exist. There's absolutely no thought given to removing it without a mess, presumably because as far as Turner is concerned, once you've got your dick in something AND you know how big it is, there's nothing else you could possibly care about. Enjoy cleaning out a sink of penis water, Mrs. Turner.

1 The Safest Sex Suit

No d'enregistrement national (French): 198800-17191

Leave it to the French to come up with a sex outfit that will protect you from every STD ever, including AIDS, dignity and air. This is the ultimate in safe sex, and that's "ultimate" as in "last," because anything you need this to screw is going to just kill you anyway. It's like someone was commanded to have a threesome with Tila Tequila and Charlie Sheen and had five minutes to design some way to survive.

The result looks like Tony Stark was stuck in a cave full of Wellington boots instead of weapons.

SO HOT.

It's sexy talk taken much too far -- it's one thing to call her a dirty girl, but another to spend an hour clambering into a more ridiculous suit than a Captain Planet villain. You'd also feel more if you stuck your dick in a tractor tire, and at least then there are probably Internet groups you can hang out with.