The 7 Most Unexpectedly Awesome Parties in History

#3. The Inaugural Games of the Colosseum

You know how some people get excited when we're the first ones to comment on a post? This party was kind of like that, except instead of celebrating being the first person to say "FIRST" on someone else's work, the Romans were celebrating being the first ones to use the Colosseum, one of the most massive and architecturally impressive structures in the world history.

Then Shit Got Out of Hand ...

Work in Rome drew to a halt for more than three months as the citizens partied their hearts out in a wine-drenched furor, with more than 9,000 animals slaughtered in the celebration. By way of comparison, the largest stadium in the U.S. is Michigan Stadium, and despite having a capacity of 109,000, it was the site of no animal murders whatsoever at its opening game.

Slaughtering 9,000 animals and Zeus-knows how many gladiators in a 100-day orgy of liquor and bloodshed would be enough to pump most nations up. Not Rome. In addition to the fights and plays and sacrifices, Emperor Titus commissioned two naumachia, or mock naval battles. Unlike gladiatorial fights, which rarely actually ended in death, naumachia were incredibly bloody. The Colosseum was flooded, actual battleships were constructed inside it, and whole armies of thousands fought to the death in an artificial ocean.

FIRST! (to die in a fake naval battle in the Colosseum).

#2. Alexander the Great Gets Drunk, Burns Down a City

After finally capturing Persepolis, the cultural jewel of the Achaemenid Empire/ancient Persia, Alexander the Great and his Macedonian army decided to celebrate with one of the most consequential parties in history. They called it a symposium, but it basically amounted to getting shit-faced, with the occasional male bonding on the side.

As depicted here.

Then Shit Got Out of Hand ...

According to Historiae Alexandri Magni, Alexander's Macedonian soldiers were emotional drunks. After discussing the matter with, no joke, a "drunken whore," Alexander finished his wine, smashed the bottle on his head and settled on one hell of a damning conclusion for Persepolis: "Why do we not avenge Greece, then, and put the city to the torch?"

Fun Fact: The entire Macedonian army was blind, horse-shitting drunk absolutely every step of its march to India.

At which point a plastered Alexander the Great personally directed his blitzed men on "a drunken orgy" to avenge their Greek neighbors by burning the Persian capital to the ground. It was the city Alexander had marched to the ends of the Earth to conquer, yet there he was, destroying it with torch in hand and with music playing in the background ... which we should probably mention was all the drunk girl's idea.

Sure enough, Alexander was pretty embarrassed once he sobered up the next morning. The entire city was destroyed, Alexander's Macedonians humiliated and His Greatness suffering from one hell of a hangover to boot.

Which he dealt with by getting hammered again and conquering another ancient city.

#1. The Funeral for the Wari Civilization

Few civilizations in history can lay claim to as epic an exit as the Wari of pre-Columbian South America. Instead of falling victim to conquest, plague or a Baghdad-sized dose of Mongols, these proud few checked out of history's Hotel California in a way any nation would be proud of: through a party so spectacularly awesome that 1,000 years later, we still don't know why it happened. All we have are the artifacts left over from a people who, for whatever reason, got together and had one massive bash before disappearing from the Earth forever.

But hey, you see one big fire dance and you've seen 'em all.

Then Shit Got Out of Hand ...

How much booze did the Wari need for this little get-together? Let's put it this way: They built their own sacred super-brewery for the occasion. One designed to produce as much as 1,000 liters of brew per day.

Which is all right for pre-partying, we guess.

After drinking themselves to a stupor, the Wari promptly kicked their party to 11 by burning down the sacred brewery, because fuck the next civilization that comes along wanting beer.

The Wari lords then tossed their cups into the fire in what is believed to have been a ceremonial closing rite for their culture, said their goodbyes and walked their separate ways into the annals of history as the faded echoes of "The Final Countdown" roared in their ears.

The secrets don't stop here, learn more in the new book, now a New York Times bestseller! And once you get that book, make sure you take a picture of yourself with it, then upload it to our Facebook fan page for a chance to win $250!

And check out more occurrences that left us scratching our heads in 6 People Who Just Fucking Disappeared and 6 Insane Discoveries That Science Can't Explain.

And stop by Linkstorm to see the party we plan on throwing for when Swaim loses his virginity.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.

Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of tomorrow!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!