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6 Jobs You Won't Believe You Can Outsource

#3.
Someone to Wait in Line for You

People wait in lines all the time -- at Food Lion, the post office, Starbucks or to get a damn iPhone.


They work it into their busy social lives.

But why spend the night wedged uncomfortably in a place where a hobo has probably pissed/bled just to get your hands on whatever PlayStation just came out when you can hire someone to do it for you? All you have to do is call this queuing agency in the U.K. called Q4U, and for 20 pounds an hour, you can get a full-time professional line-stander to hold your spot. Don't worry -- there are similar services in the U.S. and elsewhere (including Ukraine).

There are also freelancers who get paid up to $1,000 for the particularly desperate -- for instance, if you need tickets to the next Star Wars movie on opening night. Yes, people pay it -- some freelancers in the U.K. lined up for 1,000 pounds, hired by an investor who wanted first dibs on new real estate developments, presumably to get an early feel for lording over desperate people in low-income housing.


Who wouldn't be enticed by a slumlord's glamorous life?

On the other hand, if you don't want to bother with lines at all, you can always hire people to create a diversion with soiled diapers or wild animals so you can sneak your way to the front for your Nintendo 3DS.

#2.
A Rented Cat

Cat Cafes are places where you can go rent a cat for an hour or two. It all started in Taiwan in 1998, because apparently the people there don't want to own cats but still want to be able to stroke, cuddle and hold them periodically. The idea became popular in Japan, and now there are about 39 cat cafes in Tokyo alone, proving once and for all that cats are Japanese kryptonite.


Pictured here.

Essentially, you pay an hourly rate to come inside and sit with a cat. You can buy treats to feed to it, take pictures with it, play with it or just sit there and hold it in your lap, presumably for supervillain training.

Other places let you rent dogs, rabbits, ferrets or even goddamn beetles. All in all, there more than 150 pet rental companies in Tokyo, and the business keeps growing in popularity. How much does it cost to get a monkey to follow us around all afternoon? Wearing a tiny outfit that perfectly matches ours? Because we'll pay it.

#1.
A Rented Friend/Relative/Lover

Renting a person isn't a new concept (it's called "prostitution"), but in Japan, you can pay people to sit with you, pretend to be your mom or dad or distant relative, or even stand in as your spouse in social situations, because evidently Japan is teeming with the loneliest people in the entire world.


"I paid for eight hours of your time, and by God you're going to spend it playing pinochle."

One such person-renting exchange occurs in places called Campus Cafes, where grown men pay to come and hang out with college girls. There's no sex or groping involved -- the men are literally paying money just to talk to girls about whatever.

Hagemashi Tai (which is Japanese for "I want to cheer up") is a friend-renting agency. You can hire one of its actors to act as just about anyone for just about any situation. For example, at a wedding in Saitama, Japan, the groom's manager gave a heartfelt speech about how great a guy he was and how lucky everyone at the company was to have him. The thing is, this "manager" had never set eyes on the groom or anyone else in the wedding before. The groom hired him from the friend agency to the tune of about 20,000 yen. Although we feel that if you're going to pay someone to pretend to be your boss, you might as well have him give a speech about how you Chuck Norrised a bunch of terrorists in the face after they invaded the company picnic last spring.


"Of all the men I've ever seen gut a terrorist with their bare hands, Mark grunted the least."

It doesn't stop with fake employers -- you can rent people to play absolutely any part you want them to, for any occasion you see fit. You can hire a husband to tutor your kids and yell at the neighbors. You can rent yourself a father to walk you down the aisle at your wedding. You can pay someone to go to Disneyland with you. You can even get a wife to make yourself seem nonthreatening, presumably because that makes it way easier to trick girls into getting in your van.

For whatever reason, you can email Danny at dannyvittore@gmail.com, follow him on Twitter or check out his new home page!

You should pick up our new book because carrying it around will make you look like a student or a banker or something.

For more things that shouldn't exist, but do, check out 7 Great Products for Telling the World You're a Rich Dick and The 7 Most Useless Skymall Products (Reviewed Accordingly).

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