With the skies growing more crowded every year, and the airlines losing their sense of shame every day, flight delays have gone from being a rare event to a reliable nuisance for anyone who chooses to travel by air. But flight delays don't have to be bad news -- with the right frame of mind, there can be a lighter side to these annoyances. Below we've presented some of the ways you can make the best of your next flight delay.
Attention all passengers waiting for flight LP236 to Chicago, due to weather conditions, your plane coming in from Denver is running a little late. Once it arrives we'll do all we can to turn it around as fast as possible. At this point we expect to start boarding in about 30 minutes.
What You Can Do Now
See? There was no need to rush after all. You definitely had enough time to buy the security guy with the soft hands a drink, like you joked about. That dude was taking some serious liberties. He was right up in there. Like he was kneading bread.
Face like iron, hands like silk.
You could be like these sheep sitting here moaning about how they'll be late, or you could use this opportunity to do some shopping. Your wife may be expecting something -- given that you've been gone for over a week, and because she was less than impressed by that half eaten bag of wine gums you "got for her" on your last trip. You should definitely hit up the duty free store and get her ... uh ... what do they have at duty free stores? Boxes of chocolate the size of the ones stereos come in. Bottled odors. Leather goods. Sure. Go pick her up some of those leather goods that she loves so much. What says "Thinking of you" more than a red snakeskin passport organizer?
Attention all passengers waiting for flight LP236 to Chicago, it looks like we've got another delay here. There is a mechanical issue with the plane. Our maintenance crew is working on it now, but it's going to take some time to get this sorted out. Our best estimate is that this will take another hour.
What You Can Do Now
You should probably be glad they're not compromising your safety. Sit quietly and nod. This is an entirely appropriate delay, and you applaud and salute their airplane-related perfectionism.
Aircraft Mechanics: Sober 74 percent of the time.
Not like those other babies at the gate. Like that chubby dude there with the glasses. It looks like he's about to cry. No one wants to be in Chicago that badly. Could he miss his family that much? Or more likely, miss his MMORPG that much?
This delay means that you're probably not going to get home until something like midnight. You should eat. Remember the last time you tried to go eight hours on nothing but airplane candy and had to take a day off work? Constipation Related Absence does not look good on the old timesheet. So yeah, use this time to your advantage and get a nice hot meal. See if you can find the mandatory "Irish pub" that's in every damned airport. It will be called Flighty O'Leary's or something. There you can have the extremely Irish sounding Cajun chicken sandwich. Just like mom used to make when she had flight delays.
Everything on this plate has been dead since the Carter administration.
Attention all passengers waiting for flight LP236 to Chicago. The mechanical issues on your plane cannot be repaired, so it looks like we need to bring around a new plane. The good news is we do have one in the hangar, so we're going to wheel it over and get it ready for you. It looks like it's going to be at least another hour now folks. We apologize for the inconvenience.
What You Can Do Now
This is starting to get ridiculous. But you're not going to be like that ginger-haired jerk there, pacing back and forth, ranting at the gate agent. Calm down, guy. Yes I'm sure you could run a better airline yourself. I've heard that's a quality many crazy hotheads possess.
Take Richard "crashed a balloon into the Pacific Ocean" Branson, for instance.
You know what this is? This isn't an inconvenience. This is quality "Me Time." No work, no family -- for an hour you have no responsibilities at all! You love flight delays! And you are going to rock the hell out of this flight delay at the bar! This is your time! Time to spend drinking $9 beers! Time for sports highlights with the TV sound off! Time for banal conversations with strangers! "Where you going pal? Chicago? Ha, me too. Boy these airlines are idiots, am I right? Weather? I hardly knew her!"