Delay #4 : Time For Supper

Attention all passengers waiting for flight LP236 to Chicago, it looks like we've got another delay here. There is a mechanical issue with the plane. Our maintenance crew is working on it now, but it's going to take some time to get this sorted out. Our best estimate is that this will take another hour.

What You Can Do Now

You should probably be glad they're not compromising your safety. Sit quietly and nod. This is an entirely appropriate delay, and you applaud and salute their airplane-related perfectionism.

Aircraft Mechanics: Sober 74 percent of the time.

Not like those other babies at the gate. Like that chubby dude there with the glasses. It looks like he's about to cry. No one wants to be in Chicago that badly. Could he miss his family that much? Or more likely, miss his MMORPG that much?

This delay means that you're probably not going to get home until something like midnight. You should eat. Remember the last time you tried to go eight hours on nothing but airplane candy and had to take a day off work? Constipation Related Absence does not look good on the old timesheet. So yeah, use this time to your advantage and get a nice hot meal. See if you can find the mandatory "Irish pub" that's in every damned airport. It will be called Flighty O'Leary's or something. There you can have the extremely Irish sounding Cajun chicken sandwich. Just like mom used to make when she had flight delays.

Everything on this plate has been dead since the Carter administration.

Delay #3 : Me Time

Attention all passengers waiting for flight LP236 to Chicago. The mechanical issues on your plane cannot be repaired, so it looks like we need to bring around a new plane. The good news is we do have one in the hangar, so we're going to wheel it over and get it ready for you. It looks like it's going to be at least another hour now folks. We apologize for the inconvenience.

What You Can Do Now

This is starting to get ridiculous. But you're not going to be like that ginger-haired jerk there, pacing back and forth, ranting at the gate agent. Calm down, guy. Yes I'm sure you could run a better airline yourself. I've heard that's a quality many crazy hotheads possess.

Take Richard "crashed a balloon into the Pacific Ocean" Branson, for instance.

You know what this is? This isn't an inconvenience. This is quality "Me Time." No work, no family -- for an hour you have no responsibilities at all! You love flight delays! And you are going to rock the hell out of this flight delay at the bar! This is your time! Time to spend drinking $9 beers! Time for sports highlights with the TV sound off! Time for banal conversations with strangers! "Where you going pal? Chicago? Ha, me too. Boy these airlines are idiots, am I right? Weather? I hardly knew her!"

Delay #2 : Exploring

Delay #1 : People Watching

Attention all passengers waiting for flight LP236 to Chicago. The replacement flight crew has arrived, and has checked out the plane, and it looks like there are mechanical problems with this one as well. So, we're going to bring in another plane. It's actually your original plane. It turns out there was nothing wrong with it. Ha ha. Anyways, we hope to have you up and in the air in another two hours.

What You Can Do Now

You are conceptually upset at this, but more than anything else, you're just resigned. C'est la vie. But the same cannot be said for your fellow passengers, who have gone absolutely bananas. The gate agent has actually fled in terror. And where did that little jerk get the spear from? Did he strip a decorative plant down and file it into a spear? That's actually pretty ingenious. He's now convinced a band of passengers to storm the first class lounge. The chubby guy with the glasses is trying to stop them, but, oooooooooh. Gross. Unless he's got some mithril mail on under that rumpled suit, he's not getting up from that.

In the event of a riot, old people make excellent improvised shields.

You should probably just hang back over there, tucked behind the shoeshine stand for a bit. Wait for this to blow over. Because now there's a pack of them hunting that guy who drives around the terminal in the golf cart. This is probably a good time as any to slip out of here and find a hotel. You can probably expense it. "Fleeing Feral Airport Brethren" has to be a justifiable expense.

Although avoiding a layover in Philly isn't, so who knows.

But they've seen you! Run! Quickly! Push over that neck pillow kiosk to slow them down! Now duck into the baby change room and lock the door!

Oh god, they've got you cornered. You can hear the clattering of their spears. Tendrils of smoke sift under the door. You're going to die in an airport washroom because of the madness all men carry within them, and because your travel agent always books you on the worst airlines.

It'd be nice to be on a plane with windows.

Sudden, abrupt silence. Open the door, cautiously. A security guard is there. He's very disappointed in everyone. Everyone goes back to the gate and sits down, a bit sheepish. You suddenly realize the security guard is the guy who treated you to a deep tissue massage hours earlier at the gate. You ask him if maybe he wants to go grab a beer, and he accepts. Surely he'll laugh appropriately hard at your brilliant "Weather, hardly knew her" joke.

For more silver linings, stop by The Lighter Side of Dark.