Seanbaby writes a weekly column here every Thursday. But many of you may not be aware that he also invented being funny on the Internet. He was one of the first people who ever made Cracked's editors laugh while looking at a computer screen. Below, we take a look back at his comprehensive guide to the 20 worst NES games of all-time.
Of all the games that inexplicably received the Nintendo Seal of Approval, these 20 stood out as the biggest mistakes. I don't know if the game making people were the nephews of the eccentric billionaire in charge of handing out the gold approval seals, or if Nintendo just didn't bother to check if the games sucked. All I know is that these 20 games are about as fun as swallowing bug-flavored glass. For each one, I'll give a brief description of exactly why it's bad then rate the Graphics and Fun on their own personal scale of one to 10. But you'll notice really fast that they all score horribly low, and these ratings are just excuses for me to make fun of more specific areas of the game.
This game was based on the adventures of Athena as she went on a quest to cure her boredom. She attempts this by walking sideways for a few hundred screens fighting potato bugs and guys that look like giraffes and pigs. You travel from "World of X" to "World of something else" until you can finally get it into Athena's head that she's never going to cure her boredom as long as she's stuck in this damn game.
If you take the time to look for the non-helpful secret items, you can unlock Athena's secret subgame I call "Dress up!" where you make Athena's clothes clash by putting a fluorescent green helmet on with her pink go-go dress. After this, I usually point at the screen and laugh at her lack of fashion sense until I am killed by a giraffe-headed man with a club. Then I curse myself for dirtying my Nintendo with the Athena cartridge.
The graphics add some challenge to the game as you spend most of your time trying to figure out what you're fighting. The masterfully designed visuals may lead to heated arguments with your friends as to whether or not a creature is a potato or a turd.
Athena struggles to hold her grotesquely large head up
as she prepares to bonk her menacing enemies with her
Athena is bored for a reason. I think it's because her game sucks.
Historical Accuracy: 10
This story of the ancient adventures of Athena, goddess of war and wisdom, is painstakingly accurate. The programmers did their research well, and were able to recreate the ancient Greek world of pig men down to the tiniest of details like the pink clubs and mini skirts. Hephaestus himself would think it was real.