As 2009 was coming to a close, I wanted to take a look back and reflect on some of the most important events of the last 10 years. Unrelated to that, I spent two straight weeks listening to songs about butts. I was not about to go into 2010 without finally solving the riddle of Which Song In All Of Human History Mentions Asses The Most? This knowledge will be invaluable to our people's musical future. Did you know that in 2009, Atlanta officially replaced all music with songs about thonged asses and what you should do with them? It's true. If you take a guitar into Atlanta, they'll ask you why you tied all that underwear to a bedpan. In order to perform this study, I listened to several hundred songs themed around asses and counted how many times they mentioned butts. I then plugged this data into a computer that divided it by the length of the song to find each song's Booty Per Second. This number was then multiplied by one and added to zero several times in an effort to confuse the computer. If I can keep it on its toes, it won't have time to trick me. Booty Per Second Booty Rules 1. The song has to be serious. It's OK if it seems silly to you, but the artists who wrote and performed the song had to be completely sincere about wanting your ass to shake or be placed on his or her mouth. 2. All synonyms for booty such as rump or junk are acceptable. This is obviously a bit clouded by metaphoric interpretation, so all results should be considered to have a variation of ± .05 Booty Per Second. 3. Always brake for monster booty. 4. The word "it" does not count, even if "it" is clearly referring to a butt. For example, in the Backstreet Boys' hit, "I Want It That Way." Or in the end of this sentence: Ha ha suck it, Backstreet Boys. #10. Rumpofsteelskin by Parliament Funk is what happens when you mix insanity and drugs. And Parliament was made up of about 250 men and women, several of them space cowboys, wearing every wig and shiny thing they've found over their many years of drugs and insanity. They look like a soup line in a Schumacher Batman movie. And during their mission to change us to the funky side of life, the shaking of your ass gets mentioned many, many times. Sample Lyrics: "Rumpofsteelskin he don't rust and he don't bend He's got dynamite sticks by the megatons in his butt" You can't really tell if Rumpofsteelskin is an anti-aircraft gun emplacement or if Parliament is trying their best to call in a funky bomb threat. Of course, the fact that you're trying to figure it out makes you dangerously unfunky. #9. Booty Clap by Prince Paul Hip-hop songs are notorious for giving instructions to the listener, but if you follow all the commands in this song, your genitals and ass will probably emancipate themselves. The first part is all about slapping your own ass cheeks together. It's called the Booty Clap. You can use it to either taunt toilets or tell hip-hop artists you're ready for sex. Just as you start to wrap your head around this concept, the song throws you a curve ball by demanding that everyone also wave their dicks in the air. This is where you realize that you're in the wrong club. Sample Lyrics: "(Make that booty clap!) We got the asses and the dicks all up at the same time (Make that booty clap!) (Make that booty clap!) There's gon' be some penetration" Well, at least the songwriter had the foresight to know what would happen with all those exposed dicks and booties flying around. From what he was telling me to do for the first part of the song, I wasn't sure he actually knew what those things were. This isn't the song itself, but an appreciation of an actual Booty Clap. It's safe-ish for work, unless you work at a zoo, because this woman's ass claps are the exact signal for seals to attack. Here's the actual video. #8. My Humps by Black Eyed Peas It's strange that the shittiest song ever could only make it to the eighth spot on a list of songs about poopers. I'd like to thank third grade for that joke. Sample Lyrics: Whatcha gonna do with all that breast? All that breast inside that shirt? The response to this line is "Imma make make make you work, make you work work make you work." Not only is this borderline illiteracy, I feel like the Black Eyed Peas really missed out on an opportunity to rhyme shirt with squirt. #7. Ms. New Booty by Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins After several attempts to decode this song, I decided that it refers to booty 73 times. However, I should let you know that I learned how to speak jive from Dolemite movies, and as the dialect changed I got more and more confused. I honestly haven't been sure what black people are talking about since 1989, even when they happen to be Caucasian like Mr. Sparxxx here. Sample Lyrics: Bootybootybootybooty rockin' everywhere! Bootybootybootybooty rockin' everywhere! Bootybootybootybooty rockin' everywhere! I think it's a testament to my whiteness that every time I hear this, a small part of me always thinks there's been some kind of horrible disaster. I mean, I think I know what "rockin'" means, but I thought I knew what skeets were, too. Let's put it this way: I know better than to ask Bubba Sparxxx if all his friends have medical diarrhea, but I think they might. Let me introduce you to your new favorite Internet superstar. Do whatever the fuck you think you can to get ready and hit play. #6. Rump Shaker by Wreckx-N-Effect I joke about how I have no idea what rappers are talking about, but when you stick your face next to a half-naked woman playing saxophone on the beach and tell me that all you want to do is a zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom, I know exactly what you mean. You're signaling to your mind-hive in high orbit that our young are ready for harvest. Hiding in plain sight... very clever, Gornaxian. Sample Lyrics: Shake it, shake it, shake it, now SHAKE IT! She can spend every birthday BUTT NAKED! Body is soft; make me wanna SQUISH HER! More chest than a game, a rumper like a SUB-WOOFER! I think Wreckx-N-Effect made a pact when they were nine-years old that when they get a record deal they would never, ever change a word of the song they just wrote. Given the means, this is exactly the same music video that everyone would make. #5. Booty Meat by Soulja Boy Tell 'Em Of all the songs that demand I shake my ass, this one does so with the least amount of urgency. Soulja Boy just sounds bored. It's like he's performing a community service given to him by someone posing as a judge. When Bubba Sparxxx sings about butts, I freak out! I call FEMA's ass division and every upholstery cleaner in the city. This "Booty Meat" song is more like a lullaby for sex offenders. Sample Lyrics: Girrrl shake that booty meat. That booty meat. Girl, shake that booty meat. That booty meat. This song is so boring that Soulja Boy is more likely to get asses to shake from sleep farts than from dancing. #4. Loose Booty by Funkadelic "Loose Booty" is a series of hazy descriptions of jiggling asses and junkie fights. I'm almost positive that it mentions asses 101 times, which is the second most of any song ever. But it is a Funkadelic song, so there is probably a half hour version somewhere with many more references to loose booties. I get the feeling that if someone in Funkadelic grabbed a microphone and suddenly sang a different song or read a phone book from a town populated only with butts, no one would notice. Sample Lyrics: #3. Booty Drop by Buckwheat Boyz From the makers of "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" comes a song about butts. Which leads me to believe that their other song actually was about peanut butter and jelly. I may have to completely rethink the songs I have sex to. Sample Lyrics: BOOTY DROP! BOOTY DROP! BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY DROP! Let me see your BOOTY DROP! Le-LET me see your BOOTY DROP! One day our grandchildren are going to be playing a song called "Six Penises In Your Birth Canal (And You're a Corpse [The Sha La La Song])" and we'll look back on this as a more innocent time for music. I don't want to get all political in the middle of our butt article, but any insurgent who would try to kill someone this awesome deserves an absurd religion where you spend eternity trying to get to first base with 72 virgins. #2. Boogie in Your Butt by Eddie Murphy I know one of my rules at the start was that the song had to be serious, but Eddie Murphy took his singing career very seriously. He worked with Rick James, Stevie Wonder, Shabba Ranks and Michael Jackson to put out two albums and almost every song was about how the listener should put his or her mouth on Eddie Murphy. If you go up to Eddie Murphy and tell him you enjoy his music, don't be surprised if he mistakes that as an offer for a blowjob. Sample Lyrics: Put a telephone! In your butt! Put a dinosaur bone! In your butt! Put a radiator! In your butt! Say "See you later!" In your butt! This song is so insane that if all of the failed projects in Eddie Murphy's career magically came to life, "Boogie In Your Butt" would apologize to Pluto Nash. #1. The Booty Call by Bass-n-Effect After a short career supplying supplemental tracks to butt song compilations, Bass-n-Effect disappeared from obscurity into double secret obscurity. But while they were here, they managed an unbelievable 126 references to ass in one song. That's almost one "booty" for every two seconds of music. That's barely off-pace of someone simply screaming the word over and over. Which is alllllmost what the song is. Sample Lyrics: Booty! Booty, booty! This is The Booty Call! Booty! Booty, booty! This is The Booty Call! Booty! Booty, booty! This is The Booty Call! Jesus, this song is like a temper tantrum. Are you trying to get laid or get your mom to buy you ice cream, Bass-n-Effect? I've seen better game from Hannibal Lecter's cellmate.