Since it seems like every movie star, athlete and politician is just a sex scandal waiting to happen, you could almost think that it's not possible to be a prominent person without also having an utterly depraved sex life behind the scenes.
And looking back at the great men of history... we're starting to wonder if that's right on the money.
Albert Einstein, Time magazine's man of the century, is simply the most famous scientist in the history of the planet. He was the first to postulate the theory of relativity, he convinced FDR to build the atomic bomb, he was offered the chance to be the first president of Israel and is considered the father of modern physics. You wouldn't automatically think of a physics geek as getting more ass than a toilet seat, but...
But Behind Closed Doors...
When he wasn't sciencing the shit out of everything, Einstein spent his time postulating his wiener into as many women as possible. Even though he was married twice (once to his cousin), he cheated on both of his wives with about 10 different women. Though in his defense, he presented his first wife with a list of rules, one of which was "expect neither intimacy nor fidelity."
"Pipes, however, are to be expected."
Before Einstein finally settled on his cousin Elsa, he apparently almost married her 22-year-old daughter instead (Elsa was his first cousin through his mother's side AND second cousin through his father's side. In addition to the theory of relativity, Einstein was the only human capable of conceptualizing the branches of his own family tree that he had sex with). Then he supposedly got some side action from Elsa's sister when they were younger, which he defended in a letter to Elsa by pointing out "You can't blame me; we were young and she was willing."
We imagine he used the same defense when he was caught boning his best friend's niece years later.
"See those women down there? I've just decided to pork them all."
Einstein would also write to his stepdaughter and wife to tell them which women he was currently sexifying, and sometimes had his stepdaughter act as a messenger to deliver letters to his mistresses, because if you're going to not give a fuck you might as well go all the way.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was such a prodigy that he began writing symphonies at age five, which our male readers may remember as the age when they still didn't understand the difference between poop and finger paint. Also he was the greatest composer ever.
But Behind Closed Doors...
When Mozart wasn't writing one of his 600 masterpieces he was writing letters to his female cousin, the contents of which were usually in a basic rhyme scheme and seriously screwed up. There are tons of snippets to choose from out there, but nothing quite sums up Mozart's dirtiness as well as when he told his cousin that he wanted to "shit on her nose" and watch it "drip down her chin."
Falco was forced to remove this verse from "Rock Me Amadeus."
He would also send letters to his own mother, who thought it was great fun and would often write him back in the same vein. Much like the above letter and the one running down a shrimp's back, this vein contained way more poop than you'd expect. One of his letters to his mom included the passage "Yesterday, though, we heard the king of farts/ It smelled as sweet as honey tarts/ While it wasn't in the strongest of voice/ It still came on as a powerful noise." Another ended with "I now wish you goodnight, shit in your bed with all your might, sleep with peace on your mind and try to kiss your own behind. [...] Oh my ass burns like fire! What on earth is the meaning of this! ---- maybe muck wants to come out? yes, yes, muck..."
The same genius that wrote "Piano Concerto No 24 in C Minor" also wrote a gem called "Lick My Ass," a classical party ballad meant to be sung by six people at a time, and followed it up with a sequel called "Lick My Ass Nice and Clean," the lyrics of which we have included below:
Lick my ass nicely,
lick it nice and clean,
nice and clean, lick my ass.
That's a greasy desire,
like the licking of roast meat, my daily activity.
Three will lick more than two,
come on, just try it,
and lick, lick, lick.
Everybody lick his own ass himself.
We figure it's only a matter of time until this song gets remixed by T-Pain.
James Joyce is regarded as one of the most important writers of the 1900s and his novel Ulysses is considered the epitome of Modernist literature.
More importantly, he had a goddamn eye patch.
But Behind Closed Doors...
Joyce's devoted fan base was treated to a look inside his mind when a collection of letters he wrote to his wife were published in 1975. But you see, Joyce lived in an era before cell phones, webcams or Internet porn, so when he was away from his wife they'd send each other dirty letters, probably because the erotic telegraph tended to produce confusing messages.
"Harder. Stop. Deeper. Stop. Don't Stop. Stop."
Well, that's pretty tame stuff. It's his wife, after all. Though Joyce liked to start his letters off with a bang, so rather than "To Whom It May Concern," we get opening lines like "My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter." This is followed by "I wish you would smack me or flog me even. Not in play, dear, in earnest and on my naked flesh. I wish you were strong, strong, dear, and had a big full proud bosom and big fat thighs. I would love to be whipped by you, Nora love!"
OK, still not that bad...
"At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole."
Huh. That's, uh... whose idea was it to release these letters again?
"It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also. "
Now we know how he lost that eye.