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Everyone has at least one horror story about some douchebag neighbor, and if you don't it might mean you were the douchebag.

Whether it's an obnoxious couple having a screaming match at three in the morning or some old guy that stinks up the entire apartment building with Ben Gay and curry, the archetypal asshole next door can make our lives miserable with an array of time tested dick moves. However, you have never truly felt the black flames of the Neighborhood Inferno until you've lived in close proximity to one of these balls of skullduggery.

7
Michael Carroll - The Racetrack Neighbor

Everybody probably has at least one person living in their neighborhood that spends every waking moment in their driveway loudly perfecting the performance exhaust on an old Mustang GT while listening to Whitesnakeat an unreasonable volume (note: any volume louder than "off" is unreasonable for Whitesnake). Michael Carroll in Norfolk, UK, upped the ante by building an entire demolition racetrack in his yard.


Judging by this photo, Whitesnake was probably involved.

Carroll was the perfect storm of bad neighbor--a 20-year-old convicted criminal who won over $14 million in the lottery. Rather than putting the money away in the bank, Carroll invested his money into a Norfolk estate, which he promptly turned into a 24-hour manslaughter-scale bumper car ride.

The dust and noise generated by his gearhead boner monument were so bad that the family next door had to start living in their bedroom, the last somewhat-quiet place in the entire house. Imagine if instead of worrying about dodging piles of crap your neighbor's dog left on your lawn, you had to dodge old Thunderbirds with hastily applied custom graphics rocketing through the air at 70 miles-per-hour.


"Hey guys? Can you stop for a minute so I can get my newspaper?"

Besides prolonged exposure to a cancer-tastic cloud of automobile fumes and enough noise pollution to constitute a war crime, Carroll's neighbors also enjoyed the occasional thrill of potentially fatal fire hazards whenever the $14 Million Asshat felt like launching industrial grade fireworks and emergency flares over other people's houses.

Some homeowners did try to talk to Carroll about maybe not being such a massive dickpenis, but it's hard to negotiate with a man whose hobbies include wrecking cars and attacking his own sister with a samurai sword. However, we're fairly certain that cookouts at Carroll's house are stupefyingly awesome.

6
Charles Hart - The Great Wall Neighbor

They say good fences make good neighbors.


This is especially true if your neighbor is a Tyrannosaurus.

Based on that, Dennis Hawes of Fleetwood, England should have described Charles Hart as the greatest neighbor in the history of professional neighboring, instead of as a psychotic bastard who built a 16-foot high wall between their two properties.


"Go ahead, complain some more. I can totally make this wall higher."

The trouble started for Hawes when he decided to build a sun terrace on the roof of his house, which according to Hart was less of a terrace and more of a penis-peeping voyeur deck. So, in order to protect his privacy (and apparent perpetual backyard nudity), Hart took the reasonable step of erecting a two story concrete wall right along their property lines.


Evidently he needed to protect the secret identities of his gas grill and patio furniture.

Hawes is of course partially at fault here. Even if he didn't plan to spy on Hart, he at least could have given Hart some time to express concerns about his privacy, because we've all known some asshole on the block that suddenly started having trucks come in to pour concrete for a new pool without giving anyone else a heads up. Although, it's not like Hawes threw the terrace up overnight, so Hart probably had more than a few occasions to point out his privacy concerns before tossing up the Great Wall of Irrational Paranoia like a suburban Dr. Doom.

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5
Paula Bolli - The Shitty Neighbor

When it comes to neighbor feuds, dropping poop on each other's property is a time honored tradition, whether it be direct deposits on the lawn from a pet's buttchute or flaming bags placed on the doorstep. It's what community is all about, really.

However, there are times when this admittedly gets out of control, like in the case of Gus and Lucille Midura of Mariners Harbor, Staten Island. The octogenarian couple's neighbor Paula Bolli took about 60 cubic yards of horse manure and dropped it on her own front and side yard just to piss them off, a plan that we argue could have spent more time in the development process.


"So... so why didn't we put the manure on their yard?"

There had been bad blood between the Miduras' and Bollis for over two decades, which somehow escalated to the point of two dump trucks full of noxious animal shit. It's natural to assume that they had to deserve it somehow, like by strangling Bolli's entire family with a used condom or something, but according to the other neighbors the mountain of manure gambit literally came out of nowhere, unlike the army of rats that quickly showed up to feast on it.

Neighborhood spite is a powerful thing, just ask any guy who leaves the rusty car in his front yard specifically because he knows his neighbors hate it. But Bolli is clearly a cut above because she's willing to live in the center of a metropolis of shit-eating rats just to piss off a couple of old people.

4
Jeanne Wilding - The Obstacle Neighbor

Picture that one person on your block that goes all out for every holiday, throwing up elaborate decorations and annoying inflatable licensed characters in their yard every time there's a date with bold text on their calendar. Now imagine instead of decorations it's a minefield full of sharp and dangerous objects, instead of their yard it's yours and instead of "every holiday" it's "every day." You have now imagined Jeanne Wilding.

The folks lucky enough to call themselves her neighbors enjoy a life of constant surprise and professional stunt driving, because some of Wilding's many antisocial hobbies include littering the local roads with animal carcasses, shards of glass, nails and animal crap, which she also diligently spreads on people's lawns. She also blasted floodlights into a neighbor's home like Samuel L. Jackson in Lakeview Terrace.


"I SEE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER."

We're assuming that Wilding's neighbors probably sleep with semi-automatic machetes under their pillows just in case Jeanne completely loses her shit one day and decides to litter the roads with human corpses instead of just dead animals.


Bad times

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3
Paula Ariail and David Anthony Johnson - The Grave Robbing Neighbors

In Jacksonville, Florida back in 2008, Paul Douglas was afflicted with an acute case of being dead alone in his apartment. With no friends or family to speak of, he could have remained undiscovered for weeks if it weren't for his plucky neighbor Paula Ariail from down the hall, who noticed his suspicious absence and went to check on him, discovering his dead body.


"Can I borrow some sug- oh..."

The shocked Paula immediately rushed to the phone and presumably put it in her giant loot sack, because why call the police to report a dead body when you can just steal everything around it? Over the next few days she emptied Paul's apartment, helping herself to his credit cards and checkbook, but was finally arrested after the cops found her driving around in the dead guy's car.


"I couldn't help but notice you ignored that stop sign back there. Also, you smell like a dead man."

David Anthony Johnson from Baltimore was in a very similar situation when his partner's neighbor, Frederick A. Kessler, Jr., died alone in 2004. But instead of just turning Fred's apartment into their own personal Big Lots like Paula Ariail, the two men decided the better course of action would be to bring Kessler back to life.

By settling Fred's taxes and mortgage bills, Johnson and his partner managed to keep Kessler alive in the eyes of the system for three fucking years. Before being discovered, they had opened a few credit lines in his name and emptied the man's pension fund for a grand total of $140,000. Basically, it's like David Leisure exhuming your corpse and stealing your wallet.

2
Martin Kromov and Alexander Alexandrov - The Music-Induced Stabbing

To be perfectly honest, we've all probably had a neighbor or a roommate that we wanted to brutally stab to death after they listened to "Save Tonight" for the 80th time. Alexander Alexandrov (yep, his parents were apparently that lazy) lived that dream when he murdered the hell out of his neighbor Martin Kromov for listening to "Angels" by Robbie Williams over and over again for more than a week.

We suppose we should only list Alexander, since he was a murderer and all. But... we have to mention that Kromov's bad neighborliness rose to some pretty horrific levels leading up to it. To make it clear, we're not in favor of murder at all, but the man supposedly spun that single song more than 4000 times.


Newer operating systems have contingencies to prevent this sort of thing.

So... yeah, on some level we're pretty sure that's enough to make anyone want to stab everything that has ever lived.

Then again, we would probably be a little bummed if someone burst into our house during the 70th consecutive playing of "Let Her Cry" by Hootie and the Blowfish and murdered us in the face. Currently, Alexandrov is serving a 16-year prison sentence for the unfavorable music critique he carved into Kromov's torso, because even in the archaic land of Bulgaria where actual human beings apparently still listen to Robbie Williams, baffling criminal defenses like "music induced insanity" don't fly in court.

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1
David Constantine - The Pathological Neighbor

When Stefan and Lucy Ward moved in next door to biker David Constantine in Lanchester, the couple might have quipped with that unmistakable British wit how they hoped the former Hells Angel wouldn't turn out to be... a neighbor from Hell.


"Jolly good!"

However, the jokes immediately stopped after Constantine launched a two-year long campaign of harassment and terror against the Wards, finally culminating in him framing Stefan for murder, all because Stefan was unable to help him move his motorcycle on a specific day.


Not pictured: mental stability.

With Constantine as their neighbor, being fired at by an air gun or hearing banging on the walls in the early hours of the morning became part of the Wards' daily routine. He made death threats, put up a barbed wire fence around their home when they were out of town, and smashed himself in the face with a frying pan, claiming Stefan attacked him (he then successfully sued Stefan for a thousand pounds).


It appears Constantine was pure evil.

The grand finale to Constantine's goose-fucking lunacy was getting Stefan arrested for attempted murder by stabbing himself in the chest with a knife and framing his neighbor for the crime. Luckily for Stefan, the police found an impressive collection of knives, axes and firearms at Constantine's house, along with a bunch of hate notebooks directed at the young couple next door. It became clear to the cops that Constantine was a dangerous maniac who should be strapped in a titanium straightjacket and dropped into a volcano, so the charges were dropped.

Meanwhile, Constantine still lives next door to the Wards, most likely plotting his terrible vengeance.

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