The TLC Experiment: Just How Dumb is The Learning Channel?

Day 4

I sleep in an extra hour today. Do you ever wake up with that kind of thick, syrupy anus taste in your mouth? Like maybe your pillow had an ass and you were rimming it all night? I have that. Is that in any way relevant? God, I wish I knew. I haven't learned shit yet so I can't say.

First hour of TV has been missed but no worries, it looks like I have a seven hour block precisely the same as yesterday anyway. Babies still exist, people still dress like CHUDs.

Here's something new though, LA Ink. Nine solid hours of LA Ink. It's a show about a tattoo place in Los Angeles featuring Kat Von D. It takes me about 5 minutes to learn that I want to climb atop a mountain where I will kickbox robot ninjas and sinister dinosaurs tirelessly until Kat Von D becomes hopelessly enamored with me, this being the most effective way to seduce women, as I understand it. I also learn no one gets tattoos just because, they all have a 10 minute story. I continue to learn this for hours hours.

Everything here seems to be in order

Things I learned:

Kat Von D is aces.

Interim Test 3:

I attempt to finish a maze puzzle with my left hand. Much to my chagrin, I fail miserably as my pencil runs into a dead end that leads into the mouth of a jolly, cartoon shark. I'm further disappointed to notice this pirate-themed puzzle book is for 1st graders and not geniuses. My spirits rise on the next page when I connect the dots to form the Kraken, however.

Day 5

I don't set my alarm today. When I wake up, I've missed four hours of the seven hour block of shit that was the same as the last three days. Have I missed any valuable information? Fuck no. Today's twist at the eight hour marks is another episode of 18 Kids and Counting. So they gained one back since last I saw them. Is that knowledge, really? What am I qualifying as knowledge anymore anyway? This show is about people who never stop fucking, and the only interesting spin you could possibly put on that theme is not included.

This is what's known as an "Amish Porn Money Shot"

In a final insult, TLC pads out the night's schedule with episode after episode of What Not to Wear. You shouldn't wear Hypercolor? Fuck.

Things I learned:

You shouldn't wear Hypercolor. Fuck.

Final Test:

There's only one true test of a man's intelligence worth a damn in this world - Trivial Pursuit. After a solid week of The Learning Channel I'm about to make both Parker brothers shit some bricks.

I go for the first question I can get my hands on - what number can be found at position five in row 14 of Pascal's triangle?

What the fuck does that even mean? That's a thing? I have to assume that's some kind of typo and move to the next question - In which year did the Battle of Hastings take place? No. In what country would you find Cordoba and Bahia Blanca? No. "Mare's Tails" are an example of what cloud type? Fuck.

This version may have been easier

If memory serves, there used to be far more questions in Trivial Pursuit about the Simpsons, but after shuffling through 15 cards I can't find any. The Learning Channel has forsaken me and I'm really starting to doubt the sincerity of its name.

You can find more from Ian Fortey over at, or right here on Cracked, where today the chef is recommending last weeks look at 8 Romantic Songs You Didn't Know Were About Rape, and his look at 7 Safety Products (for the Incredibly Paranoid).

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