In today's super ultra modern world, learning is as easy as getting crabs from a public toilet seat. Just sit there long enough and it'll happen. Feeling confident that this itch-inducing belief is pretty much 100 percent accurate, I ventured forth to do what few men dared do before me. I would watch the Learning Channel for five days and, in the process, learn everything there is to know. About everything.
In an effort to maximize my knowledge, I equipped myself with a pen and notebook, and some Gatorade. It's a known fact that as your brain absorbs knowledge, the rest of your body loses valuable moisture and electrolytes and I'll be goddamned if I end this week as the smartest man alive only to die of dehydration. Stephen fucking Hawking would just love that. Suck it, Wheelie, you're going down.
Things start out fairly promising. A solid two hour block of Cake Boss, a show that takes place in Carlo's Bake Shop in Hoboken, New Jersey. I like it already because Hoboken is one of the most hilarious place names on the map. Look, "hobo" is right in the word. Ha!
In my first two hours I learned that you can make a cake shaped like a bi-plane. You can make a cake shaped like a dragon. You can make a cake shaped like a roulette wheel. But you know what form cake can't take? Love.
Ass Cake with spine? Delicious!
Next up on the schedule? Another two hours of Cake Boss. Fire engine cake. Tiki cake. Leaning tower of Pisa cake. I don't want to sound ungrateful for all this free knowledge, but I'm starting to think all they do on this frickin' show is bake cakes shaped like things that aren't normally cakes.
You'll never guess what was on next. I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with "another four straight hours of Cake Boss." Fireworks cake. Roller skate cake. What could be next? Some kind of cake maybe? Some kind of fucking zany, novelty cake made by mafia stereotype bakers? Cage-fight cake.