6 Ways The Recession Has Made The World Suck Less

#3. Old Media is Dying Faster

Let's be honest: All of us have dreamed about making money off the Internet, but generally only the ones with a handful of undiagnosed manic disorders who undress in front of a camera for sweaty middle-aged men have made that dream a reality. Many companies still refuse to treat this series of tubes as anything serious, writing it off as some whippersnapper fad like Frisbees or Polio shots.

As a result, advertising in old-media like newspaper, radio and TV remains more expensive that online ads. But guess what happened when the recession hit? More and more people are putting their money where their porn is: the Internet.

In 2008, Internet ad revenues jumped from a measly $5.7 billion dollars to a much more respectable $7.1 billion in just one quarter. To put it in more Internet relatable terms: The current sum of commercial investments on the Internet is enough to buy you about 620 million gallons of Mountain Dew.

It also doesn't hurt that worldwide subscriptions to the Internet are booming, creating an innovative marketplace with a new batch of gullible consumers and money-waving investors who never would have been there if the recession hadn't taken all their non-virtual property away from them.

And as much as we hate ads (and hate paying for content even more), the Internet needs money to survive and innovate. It just took some hard times for advertisers to finally realize what a bad deal old media is. And they'll keep thinking that until the Internet figures out a way to get their product for free.

#2. People are Forced to Grow Up

They say the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. And while that may be true, it doesn't really mention douchebags who are poor but have rich parents. Where do those young men and women who wear knit scarves in the summer and wax philosophical over frappuccinos fit into the equation? Nowhere anymore.

There's a growing trend amongst trust fund babies--living Bohemian lifestyles full of patchouli and acoustic guitar loft jams in $3000 a month apartments--toward finding the purse strings being pulled tight as mom and dad get kicked in the ass by their own failing business ventures. Since shit rolls downhill, while the old folks struggle to stay afloat, the kids, many of whom haven't worked a day in their life despite being in their mid-20s, are having their financial support axed and are being forced to find actual jobs.

Will anyone hire me to drink PBR and be coolly detached from genuine emotion?

That's right: Masses of hipsters are having to enter the workforce. For some, this is easier said than done as employers apparently have to deal with outraged twats storming out of interviews upon learning they're required to work eight whole hours a day.

"In a row? I'm sorry, no, this just isn't working out.

But they're not the only spoiled kids getting a slap in the face from economic meltdown reality. Parents of little girls are apparently realizing that raising their kids with a princess fantasy (complete with princess-themed bedroom, beauty pageants and pink frilly everything) might not be the best way to prepare them for a world where the only time she'll get called "Princess" is when some fat guy at Hooters is demanding that she hurry up with his wings.

#1. You are Living Healthier and Feeling Better

Research by Stanford University and the University of North Carolina has shown that when times are good people tend to not take care of themselves. We eat bacon-wrapped bacon and drink Thunderbird while we shower. We eat out at restaurants, we neglect our families and drop the responsibilities of raising kids on stoned teenagers and crooked daycare centers because we are also usually overworked and overstressed when the economy is booming.

When things are good, we want them to stay good, so we work harder to keep it that way. Ironically, when the economy does go to shit, all of your previous worries seem so insignificant you start to lay back and simply not give a rat's ass. This translates to a barrel full of stress you will not be having and more time to be good to yourself.

Ah. My children will be born into debt. Nice.

During the recession we eat healthier and smoke less. In the recession of the 1990s, heavy smoking decreased by five percent, which is something all those anti-tobacco activists could only fantasize about in their wildest wet dreams. People lose weight and pursue higher education; so on the whole society looks up when everything else looks down.

This of course doesn't mean you should be happy because, really, there isn't such a thing as a "good" recession, but it makes you feel like it's good when you see it written out like this.


According to the Office for National Statistics, we are basically on the exact same level of contentment we were 10 years ago. So even if we are not getting happier, we are living healthier and finding less reasons to be stressed out even if we're out of a job and possibly having to blow businessmen for beer money.

While not writing for Cracked, Cezary shares his bleak outlook on life on Drown Yourself.

To find out how to safe your ass during this recession, check out 10 Retarded Money Saving Tips (People Are Actually Trying) and Nectar of the Broke: The World's 5 Worst Ways To Get Drunk.

And check out some free boobs at our Top Picks.

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