Off-the-wall ads are nothing knew; advertisers know weird-ass ads will get people talking. But some commercials just get the "bizarre" part down before shutting off the cameras and going home for the day, producing a worrying number of insanely ineffective and downright baffling commercials which for all their quirky weirdness forgot to actually market a product.
We're talking about stuff like:
#7. Singing Black Man in Drag for... Pest Control, We Think
What it looks like:
A slightly more hairy but less fat version of Madea doing his/her ironing in a cartoon apartment populated by a single cockroach. Also, there is singing.
The flowers really hold the room together.
The tune should be familiar to anyone who enjoys Calypso music or watched Beetlejuice recently; but perhaps emboldened by the lipstick and fake breasts, this guy makes the brave character choice to inflect all the wrong syllables and sing completely out of key. This practice is frequently mistaken as being "lighthearted" and/or "funny," but in actuality makes us want to punch a cat in the balls.
Also, he manages to pull his wig off no less than three times in a twenty second period, either in an effort to convey his character's brave, mustached struggle with some form of cancer or to creep television audiences right the fuck out. Luckily, neither one has anything to do with pest control.
What it really is:
Those who were strong enough to get to the end of the video or simply too confused to turn it off will discover that Harris is actually a Detroit Pest Control company, as explained by Mr. Harris himself.
That's right, viewers. After parading around in bad drag, I will now ask for access into your home so that I may fill it with an extremely deadly nerve agent.
#6. Lesbian Death Juice and Convenience StoresWhat it looks like:
For the first 48 seconds this is the greatest television commercial of all time.
Two attractive young women, wearing their bedtime clothes in the forest for some reason, are engaging in some light foreplay and giggling appropriately. Then, they cut the bullshit and get down to brass tacks:
"Brass tacks" feels a lot like a throbbing unstoppable erection.
At this point we will buy anything they tell us to. It could fade to black on a box of Hitler Flakes and the effect would not be diminished. Then, the monster shows up.
"I don't have any legs, ladies. This stump is pure cock."
Turns out the girls were making out under a giant half man half tree monstrosity the whole time, who leeringly asks if there is any chance he could get in on the action. The girls respond by producing axes from somewhere (either hidden in their underwear or kept nearby as a huge oversight on Tree Man's part) and chopping into him, causing him to squirt orange juice all over the place with an orgasmic fury.
The cup says it all, really.
The sudden dizziness you just felt was the blood rushing from your penis back into your head at the speed of sound.
What it really is:
Jailbait and switch.
Somehow, this is an ad for Mac's, a Canadian chain of convenience stores. The power of sex in advertisement notwithstanding, this ad follows in the footsteps of so many of the entries on this list by failing to ever mention a single product or service, unless they sell lace teddies and the blood/semen of sadomasochistic tree people. In which case we owe them a huge apology.
#5. Lobotomized Android Woman for Xbox Something or OtherWhat it looks like:
For the first eight straight seconds we get a virtually static shot of some skinny white chick wearing an expression that no female has ever made in the history of anything, unless her OB/GYN happens to be The Shredder.
When she finally tries to emote, she seems more like a victim of Nurse Ratchet in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest than anything else.
This is probably the most unflattering picture ever taken of a human being.
But just then the camera rotates and we get a full-on view of the back of woman's head: completely drilled out and reinforced with metal, with miniature versions of her and her husband sitting on a couch inside enjoying a movie via an old timey projector, all while the robot wife herself is sitting in front of a TV. Our brains just threw up and exploded.
What it really is:
We're guessing this is what the inside of Megan Fox's head looks like.
As the last five seconds informs us, this is an ad for Microsoft's video downloading service for the Xbox. Not that you'll remember that, because when they tell you, your brain is still reeling from seeing the inside of that poor woman's skull.
It doesn't help that this could literally be a commercial for anything, you could toss in a shot of some Bojangles' chicken at the end and it would make as much sense ("So hungry you feel like your skull has been hollowed out? Head on down to Bojangles...").
#4. Dead Babies and a Cow on Wheels for the French Dairy IndustryWhat it looks like:
Without warning, we are immediately exposed to a tribe of infant skeletons dancing around a giant cow to a reggaeton remix of Staying Alive.
The offering of animated baby bones seems to have pleased the bovine deity and, as thanks, it unleashes a waterfall of milk from its swollen udders, bathing the undead army in a thick white liquid causing 10,000 simultaneous orgasms all over the world, but mostly in Japan.
The torrential downpour of milk showers the little skeletons with yogurt, cheese, butter and (for some reason) toasters. The commercial then ends the only way it could have--with a dead baby suckling a giant cow teat.
What it really is:
Tastes a little like damnation
As it turns out, this is a French ad for dairy products. Of course! How could we have been so stupid? The clues were there: The giant cow on wheels, the fountain of milk with cheese, the macabre dancing skeletons... truly, an expertly layered masterpiece of subtle, jackfuck lunacy.
OK, so we can kind of trace the workings of the broken mind that conceived this and say that the skeletons are supposed to say that milk gives you strong bones. But we have to believe there's a way to convey that message that doesn't involve the flayed bodies of dead children.