7 Insane Ads That Have No Clue What They're Selling
Off-the-wall ads are nothing knew; advertisers know weird-ass ads will get people talking. But some commercials just get the "bizarre" part down before shutting off the cameras and going home for the day, producing a worrying number of insanely ineffective and downright baffling commercials which for all their quirky weirdness forgot to actually market a product.
We're talking about stuff like:
Singing Black Man in Drag for... Pest Control, We Think
What it looks like:
A slightly more hairy but less fat version of Madea doing his/her ironing in a cartoon apartment populated by a single cockroach. Also, there is singing.
The flowers really hold the room together.
The tune should be familiar to anyone who enjoys Calypso music or watched Beetlejuice recently; but perhaps emboldened by the lipstick and fake breasts, this guy makes the brave character choice to inflect all the wrong syllables and sing completely out of key. This practice is frequently mistaken as being "lighthearted" and/or "funny," but in actuality makes us want to punch a cat in the balls.
Also, he manages to pull his wig off no less than three times in a twenty second period, either in an effort to convey his character's brave, mustached struggle with some form of cancer or to creep television audiences right the fuck out. Luckily, neither one has anything to do with pest control.
What it really is:
Those who were strong enough to get to the end of the video or simply too confused to turn it off will discover that Harris is actually a Detroit Pest Control company, as explained by Mr. Harris himself.
That's right, viewers. After parading around in bad drag, I will now ask for access into your home so that I may fill it with an extremely deadly nerve agent.
Lesbian Death Juice and Convenience StoresWhat it looks like:
For the first 48 seconds this is the greatest television commercial of all time.
Two attractive young women, wearing their bedtime clothes in the forest for some reason, are engaging in some light foreplay and giggling appropriately. Then, they cut the bullshit and get down to brass tacks:
"Brass tacks" feels a lot like a throbbing unstoppable erection.
At this point we will buy anything they tell us to. It could fade to black on a box of Hitler Flakes and the effect would not be diminished. Then, the monster shows up.
"I don't have any legs, ladies. This stump is pure cock."
Turns out the girls were making out under a giant half man half tree monstrosity the whole time, who leeringly asks if there is any chance he could get in on the action. The girls respond by producing axes from somewhere (either hidden in their underwear or kept nearby as a huge oversight on Tree Man's part) and chopping into him, causing him to squirt orange juice all over the place with an orgasmic fury.
The cup says it all, really.
The sudden dizziness you just felt was the blood rushing from your penis back into your head at the speed of sound.
What it really is:
Jailbait and switch.
Somehow, this is an ad for Mac's, a Canadian chain of convenience stores. The power of sex in advertisement notwithstanding, this ad follows in the footsteps of so many of the entries on this list by failing to ever mention a single product or service, unless they sell lace teddies and the blood/semen of sadomasochistic tree people. In which case we owe them a huge apology.
Lobotomized Android Woman for Xbox Something or OtherWhat it looks like:
For the first eight straight seconds we get a virtually static shot of some skinny white chick wearing an expression that no female has ever made in the history of anything, unless her OB/GYN happens to be The Shredder.
When she finally tries to emote, she seems more like a victim of Nurse Ratchet in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest than anything else.
This is probably the most unflattering picture ever taken of a human being.
But just then the camera rotates and we get a full-on view of the back of woman's head: completely drilled out and reinforced with metal, with miniature versions of her and her husband sitting on a couch inside enjoying a movie via an old timey projector, all while the robot wife herself is sitting in front of a TV. Our brains just threw up and exploded.
What it really is:
We're guessing this is what the inside of Megan Fox's head looks like.
As the last five seconds informs us, this is an ad for Microsoft's video downloading service for the Xbox. Not that you'll remember that, because when they tell you, your brain is still reeling from seeing the inside of that poor woman's skull.
It doesn't help that this could literally be a commercial for anything, you could toss in a shot of some Bojangles' chicken at the end and it would make as much sense ("So hungry you feel like your skull has been hollowed out? Head on down to Bojangles...").
Dead Babies and a Cow on Wheels for the French Dairy IndustryWhat it looks like:
Without warning, we are immediately exposed to a tribe of infant skeletons dancing around a giant cow to a reggaeton remix of Staying Alive.
The offering of animated baby bones seems to have pleased the bovine deity and, as thanks, it unleashes a waterfall of milk from its swollen udders, bathing the undead army in a thick white liquid causing 10,000 simultaneous orgasms all over the world, but mostly in Japan.
The torrential downpour of milk showers the little skeletons with yogurt, cheese, butter and (for some reason) toasters. The commercial then ends the only way it could have--with a dead baby suckling a giant cow teat.
What it really is:
Tastes a little like damnation
As it turns out, this is a French ad for dairy products. Of course! How could we have been so stupid? The clues were there: The giant cow on wheels, the fountain of milk with cheese, the macabre dancing skeletons... truly, an expertly layered masterpiece of subtle, jackfuck lunacy.
OK, so we can kind of trace the workings of the broken mind that conceived this and say that the skeletons are supposed to say that milk gives you strong bones. But we have to believe there's a way to convey that message that doesn't involve the flayed bodies of dead children.
Related: The Matrix Is Real, If You Are A Cow
Criminally Negligent Man-Bird, for Insurance ApparentlyWhat it looks like:
The ad starts with two women driving a car and suddenly slamming on the brakes in the middle of the street for no apparent reason. What follows is one of the greatest exchanges ever recorded between two master thespians as both actresses manage to miss their cues in a five second whirlwind of teased hair and stilted delivery.
First lady: "What's that?"
Second lady: "Do you have insurance on this car?"
Realizing the driver doesn't have car insurance, the passenger comes to the obvious conclusion that it must have been Eagle Man who landed on their roof just now.
The obvious conclusion.
Eagle Man then recites a pseudo-rhyme in a voice that sounds like Leelee Sobieski before literally shitting an egg out onto the top of the vehicle.
The ad ends with Eagle Man's birdshit hatchling clutching a crib sheet of local insurance rates in its beak.
What it really is:
It appears Eagle Man is selling low rate SR-22 forms, which is proof of insurance required for people who tend to have a lot of accidents. So on one hand, he's targeting risky drivers who need coverage, which makes perfect sense. What does not make sense is the fact that in this ad, said driver only had an accident because fucking Eagle Man landed on her car.
Reading between the lines, we're thinking the guys behind Eagle Man are actually running some kind of protection racket. "Haven't had an accident yet? Don't worry. You will."
A Minute of Nightmares and LeBron James for SpriteWhat it looks like:
This starts out well, with a bunch of guys in suits and giant green masks infiltrating a private residence while wielding paintball guns to a hip soundtrack.
Another team, this one clad in yellow Greedo helmets, enters from the back of the house. You now may be wondering if we are being too picky about what constitutes a failed commercial. "This is not that weird," you might even be saying to yourself. Then: MIDGETS IN NIPPLE HATS.
These guys probably went to Juliard.
Did we mention this happens as a series of split second cuts between the scenes of the two paintball teams? After almost 50 seconds of color-coordinated sneaking around and midgets running headlong into each other at top speed, we finally get to the show down when the paintball teams corner... a giant tongue?
You're licked now, buddy! *Applause*
It is at this point that we all succumb to mind diarrhea. While the giant tongue is shot with green and yellow paint like Sonny Corleone, we are assaulted with a barrage of bizarre hyper-cut images including:
A CGI frog eating a lizard;
A statue exploding;
Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots;
A slice of lemon being inseminated--and no, this isn't just a humorous description, it's an actual sperm wiggling into a lemon slice;
Oh, and it stars LeBron James.What it really is:
Apparently the Coca-Cola Company claims this is an ad for Sprite, as part of their edgy "Sublymonal" marketing campaign. The message of the campaign, as far as we can tell, is "Sprite is manufactured by costumed midgets ejaculating onto sliced lemons. Enjoy."
Furry Orgy for Vagina JuiceWhat it looks like:
This is animal porn. There is no other way to describe what we are watching.
This commercial features anthropomorphic animals dry humping, spraying each other with liquid and giving lap dances for nearly a full two minutes of thrusting pelvises and furry jiggling breasts. It's a lot like that sequence in The Shining if it had been animated by Pixar. Some of the more troubling moments include:
An octopus stripper giving a lap dance to a bear;
A doe bathing herself in what we hope is juice;
Zebras in monokinis riding giant bursting phalluses;
Right now we can't imagine this commercial advertising anything other than the most terrifying boner anyone has ever achieved.
Perhaps in an effort to top their ad for dairy (see above), France created this masterpiece to promote a line of fruit juices called Orangina. That is not a typo.
Unlike some of the other entries, we can sort of see how this idea might have started out before transforming into the twisted carnival of eye-gouging horror it later became. Fruit juices are natural, hence nature, so that's why we're outside with a bunch of animals, though the presence of the octopus suggests a troubling deficiency in France's public school system.
However, the intended market for this product seems to have been confused. Cartoon animals are generally a strategy for younger consumers, while sexual innuendo is arguably reserved for older audiences. Mixing the two approaches together aims it purely at furries. Furries, and absolutely nobody else. Though we suppose their money is as good as ours.
While not writing for Cracked, Arkard advocates suicide via drownyourself.com.
For more mind-boggling commercials, check out 5 Retro Commercials Companies Would Like You to Forget and 6 Baffling Old-School Video Game Commercials.
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