10 Things That Will Not End Well

#5. Beginner's Guide to Catching Monster Sharks

The Thing:

Learning new things is cool. Fishing is kind of cool. Sharks are really cool. So why not combine it all together and learn how to bring "monster" sharks onto your boat? The book has 250 photos, and by the time you're done looking at those you should be ready. And it's not like the sharks are actually monsters, right?

Why It Will End Badly:

Well, actually, according to Captain Mike, the author, at least one type of shark is a monster.

In fact, the chapter on Makos makes them sound like the Velociraptors from Jurassic park: smart, fast and incredibly pissed off at you. Of course, the characters from Jurassic Park never tried to pull a pissed off raptor into a tiny enclosure by a hook in its mouth. Here, that's the entire point. You'd think you'd want to ease into that chapter, but then you're not a fucking monster shark fisherman:

#4. Explosives Detection Field Test Kit - DropEx Plus

The Thing:

Now, when you stumble across a ticking package, you no longer have to scream "BOMB!" and run away as fast as you possibly can. In fact, you won't even need to wait a few hours and Google your local news station to find out what kind of explosive device disintegrated everything in its blast radius earlier that day. Now that the Explosive Detection Field Test Kit is available online, you can conduct experiments on highly explosive material yourself.


"It's a bomb! Thanks, Explosive Detection Field Test Kit."

Not an expert? No problem. The kit comes with easy to follow instructions like, "Drop-Ex-2 for Group B Drop-Ex-2 is used to search for GROUP B type explosives which include Dynamite, Nitroglycerine, RDX, PETN, SEMTEX, Nitrocellulose and smokeless powder. If after Drop-Ex-1 there is no color change, use Drop-Ex-2." And let's not forget about the detail you really care about: free shipping.

Why It Will End Badly:

We literally can't imagine a single scenario where the use of a D.I.Y. bomb kit could possibly be even remotely advisable. There are trained professionals, who are far better equipped to DIThemselves. It should also be noted that those trained professionals use remote controlled robots whenever possible in order to stay as far the fuck away from the job they've spent their entire life training to do. Compare the highly trained professionals, disarming bombs from a safe distance with you; the guy with his face directly over the bomb who needs big blinking arrows to show him where the bottles are.

#3. Heroin User's Handbook

The Thing:

Racial prejudice is bad and all, but probably more damaging is prejudice against heroin. People act like heroin use is a scourge on society, but according to the Heroin User's Handbook, it's really heroin prejudice.

You've probably heard that using heroin could give you AIDS, make your teeth rot out and even kill you. According to Francis Moraes, Ph.D., that shit is on society. If they'd just start teaching the HUH in schools, kids would know about all the ways they can safely put heroin in their body, helpful hints for "scoring on the street" and "purifying heroin."

And it's not like Dr. Moraes doesn't cover the risks involved. His first chapter opens with the sage advice "Don't try heroin."

Why It Will End Badly:

Mr. Moraes's book is an insane mixture of acknowledging the dangers of heroine, while trying desperately to explain why he finds the stuff so damn great.

The first chapter may open with a warning, but it ends with a helpful reminder that "heroin can be used safely." The whole concept of "addiction" would seem to argue against that but hey, maybe it's possible to get addicted to safety.

There's also the bizarre passage where he acknowledges that it's possible to die of a heroin overdose, but then says it's "not at all clear as to why it happens." Hey, maybe they were all poisoned by the CIA. Maybe the government doesn't want heroin users to succeed in their mission to save the world with their good vibrations and jazz music. It's sure as fuck not because heroin is bad for you at all!

Ironically, probably the greatest testament to the dangers of heroin is the fact that Moraes, a long time user, has used his Ph.D. to amass the following body of work:

#2. How to Build Your Own Catapult

The Thing:

Now you too can build medieval siege devices, for any number of practical modern uses, primarily giving emergency crews a hilarious story they can tell for years.

Why It Will End Badly:

If you feel the need to make the very first chapter of your book into what is basically one long disclaimer, you might want to think twice about making it available to the general public.

"The catapults and related projects described in this book have been designed with your safety foremost in mind. However, as you try them out, there is still a possibility that something unexpected may occur ... [A] few of the projects result in powerful siege engines with projectiles that can move pretty fast."

What the author really should say here is: "...there is a possibility that the expected may occur. That is to say, as you advance down your street pulling your Macedonian catapult behind you, you will likely be shot or captured by the police before you can load it with your first boulder or infected cow. So, why don't you just stick to reading a book about catapults instead of buying a book that teaches you how to build them."

Really, the best case scenario is that this thing malfunctions and only injures you. That's quite an accomplishment for a do-it-yourself guide.

Sure, there are guides out there for things like D.I.Y. hot air balloons, which have a high potential for hilarity but in the hands of a competent builder, could still turn out perfectly harmless and even cool. But here, if everything goes perfectly, it still ends with a huge fucking projectile whistling through the air. You can load this thing with food and fire it toward an orphanage and you're still probably going to wind up shot by a police sniper.

#1. Under the Gun: Gun Disarming Tactics for the Street

The Thing:

We've all been there: You and your loved ones are walking at an oblique angle towards a brick wall when a man in a ski mask and roller skating wrist guards points a gun in your face. He's cocking it to the side like they do in rap videos, so you know he means business. What do you do?

Well, if you prefer gun-disarmings to be relatively nonsense free, you've already purchased and learned the lessons from Under The Gun, an instructional DVD so good that its title works just as well for a Steven Seagal movie.

Why It Will End Badly:

The DVD description repeatedly and emphatically points out that in a confrontation with an armed man, "compliance can get you killed!" Yes, it's far more dangerous to give the mugger the five bucks in your wallet, rather than do the sensible thing and try to lunge at him and wrestle the gun out of his hands.

The product description uses more exclamation points than most of the emails in your spam filter to let you know that "You can defeat the gunman!" while promising to give you "the attitude necessary to defeat a gunman who is about to blow you away!"


"Don't worry!! Your attitude will save you!!!"

Of course, copping a 'tude and refusing to hand over the cash is only half the battle. You'll also need to learn "the twelve possible assault positions of a gun." Twelve? Wait, is this fucking Gunkata?

We'll let you know when our copy arrives.

For more things that won't end well, check out 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal and 7 Hacks That Turn Everyday Objects into Deadly Weapons.

And for things that will end well (read: Boobs) check out our Top Picks.

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