The 6 Best 2012 Apocalypse Theories (Are All Bullshit)
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You may have noticed a recent trend of trying to fit every hackneyed doomsday prophecy into the same red-letter year of 2012. The theories are obtuse, their connections are flimsy and the perceived consequences are completely unsubstantiated. Unsurprisingly, these prophecies are enormously popular. #6.
The Mayans
The Mayans are probably the most-quoted of the 2012 doom prophecies, and can perhaps be credited with getting the whole fad started. Back when they were an advanced civilization living in Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula about 3,000 years ago, they developed around 15 to 20 calendars, all with a slightly different purpose: the Tzolk'in was used to calculate crop cultivation, the Haab followed the cycles of the sun and the Long Count ticked off the harrowing last days until face-bursting ultimate destruction.
The Long Count calculates a period of time known as the Great Cycle, which is a count of about 5,125.36 years. Scholars paired up the dates of the Long Count with Gregorian calendars and found that the current Great Cycle began August 13, 3114 B.C, and ends on December 21st, 2012. Dum dum DUUUUUMMM!!! Bolstering their theory is that the date coincides with a winter solstice during which the Sun will align with the center of the Milky Way galaxy. When that happens, some say the Earth's poles will shift and every horrible natural disaster imaginable will come together to form a Megazord of planet crushing assbeat. What Predictions (Supposedly) Came True? Uh... It's a calendar. It accurately predicts the rise of the sun every day. Otherwise nothing.
Why it Might be Bullshit: First of all, the end of the Long Count holds no more significance than Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve: the Maya just had a celebration and then started a new calendar. Even they didn't think it was going to be the end of the world, and even if they had, why the fuck would they be expected to know? As for the winter solstice thing, that's just when the Sun is at its greatest distance from Earth. Our poles shifting because the Sun is aligned with the center of the Milky Way makes about as much scientific sense as saying you shouldn't drive at sunset because your car might crash into the sun.
Besides, the solstice occurs in June in the southern hemisphere, so if the world looks like it's going to end we can all just move to Australia. #5.
The I-Ching
A less popular but equally convoluted source is the I-Ching. In the pre-800-number era of human existence, the people of China received their psychic advice from one of their oldest texts, the I-Ching. You asked the I-Ching a question and a certified physic flipped three coins in to the air, drawing a hexagram based on the results. This told your fortune, somehow.
The I-Ching had nothing to do with the end of the world until a man by the name of Terence McKenna came along and made a pattern out of every possible result. After applying this pattern to a line graph accompanied by a timeline of recorded history, he discovered that the high and low points of the graph coincided with several significant events. On December 21, 2012, the line slowly dips off of the chart, once again supposedly indicating a world-ending catastrophic buttfuck. What Predictions (Supposedly) Came True? The Fall of the Roman Empire
Why it Might be Bullshit:
The reality is McKenna utilized a pattern of his own invention to create a timeline of his own invention, and then predicted world events that had already happened. After all, there's enough bad shit in human history that you could probably correlate several large scale catastrophes right alongside the peaks and valleys of a line graph showing Disney's stock price over the last decade. He couldn't even decide what the end of his timeline signified, claiming everything from the apocalypse to alien invasion to time travel. Honestly, what kind of half-assed prophet was this guy? Maybe the next Batman movie comes out in 2012 and it's a huge disappointment, and the I-Ching just takes it way harder than everybody else. #4.
Web-Bot
In the late 90s, some brainiacs created a computer program called Web-bot to make stock market predictions, perhaps out of a belief that large amounts of money would be the only way any of them would ever get laid. Web-bot works like an Internet search engine does, but it presents its results in the form of numerical trends. Basically, it was designed to tap in to our collective unconscious by analyzing information on the Internet and then make predictions based on its findings. So it's kind of like Trending Topics on Twitter, only people inexplicably trusted it to provide meaningful financial advice.
In 2001, the aforementioned brainiacs reasoned that if their program could be used to predict the stock market, it should be able to predict the future as well. According to the Web-bot, small nuclear wars will erupt somewhere in the world in 2009, initiating a series of events resulting in a major cataclysm sometime in--wait for it--the year 2012. What Predictions (Supposedly) Came True? 9/11
Why it Might be Bullshit: The Web-bot's data pool is limited to what is being discussed on the Internet. If the National Hurricane Center predicts that an upcoming hurricane season will be a particularly bad one, and everyone online starts talking about it, the Web-bot will spring into action by helpfully predicting the upcoming hurricane season will be a particularly bad one. So why is the Web-bot predicting a cataclysmic event in 2012? Because end of the world alarmists are flooding the Internet with tons of information alleging some apocalyptic occurrence in 2012, that's why. Seriously, it's the Carlos Mencia of clairvoyant robots.
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2012 is HORSE s**t!!!!
I absolutely loved this. I found it to be well-written, peppered with hilarious and creative analogies (doomsday crepes). Thank you for writing this refreshing article. As someone who has been made a bit uneasy by all of the fear machine websites, I was so happy to stumble upon this great piece. The picture of the people driving into the sun had me in hysterics. Anyway, this is the doomsday article that people need to read...in my opinion.
I think i get it now,
none of those theories are true, i did some research on catastrophe stuff and all of the psychic soldiers (also known as the men who stare at goats) will rise up and stare at us while concentrating. Therefore, killing us.
dude, the f*****g history channel runs apocolypse s**t ALL THE TIME NOW. its ridiculous.
and by the way, its almost the end of 2009 so whats up with these nuclear wars man? watch, theyll come out n be like, o yea we messed up something its really gonna be 2011 or some bullshit.
anyway, if they r right about the nuclear war... i just watched red dawn, so im ready mothafucka.
I actually watched the show about nostradamus on the history channel that u got your pics from, and what u are saying that the scholars called a "raft" was ACTUALLY thought to be a veil, and throughout the pics the veil slowly lifts until the last scene where the veil is finally dropped and we will basicaly have our "answers". Having said that, it is obvious to me that u really did not do any kind of research, just skimmed through theories, and tried to disprove them using witty humor, well congrats sir on proving yourself to be nothing more than an ignorant clown...... an a******n at that.
ok doucher..first of all if ur gonna shoot down these theories at least get ur facts straight. I myself am not sure what will happen but i do know that..the web bot did predict 9/11 and said that it would happen 60-90 days b4 it happened..nowif i remember correctly no one knew that was gonna happen..and damn sure no one was talking about it on the internet b4 it happened..and as for the milky way theory.. it is a fact that the allignment will happen..and in fact polar shift has happened b4(proven fact).and einstein predicted in 55' that it would most likely happen again. So yeah at least get ur facts straight first.
I wonder if the inventors of the I-ching had to pay Steve Jobs for the name. It seems to be a bit of a racist name, anyway.
I know for a fact that Disney stock prices predict every disaster that ever will happen, since Disney is the Devil.
That MeKenna fellow looks pretty serious about his stuff. I like the portrait of him that looks like it is taken from an Air Supply album cover called "Jizz". I guess I should leave a genius like that alone. Anyone who can make Doomsday predictions with a scantron machine is no one to be trifled with.
What about the "Singularity"? It has all the delicious taste of a pseudo-spiritual sci-fi hoax with fewer calories than Scientology. I hear about that bullshit about as much as I hear about the world getting ready to melt down. It sounds to me like an RPG-obsessed geek's wet dream, and seems to be based (almost solely) on some theory somebody (a *science fiction* author, if I'm not mistaken) put forward about the exponential increase in technology or some such business; yet it has a spiritual side, for some reason- as if getting a new laptop in 2012 will make you a shapeshifting shaman warrior or allow you to ascend to a higher plane or some s**t.
The doom and gloom aspect of the 2012 crap I can take; I was raised crazy millenarianist Christian, so I'm used to prophecies of doom. I dunno how much more "Singularity" talk I can take, though, before I shove somebody's autographed copy of "The Return of Quetzalcoatl" up their ass and pull it out their nostrils. I might be more annoyed than I need to be, that's true. Unfortunately, I have another 3 years of hearing about it; I can't be held responsible.
The smart few of us shouldn't prepare for the end, but prepare for the ensuing stupidity
I think its important to point out that even tough we're not idiotic enough to believe this, tons of people still are. Theres gonna be panic going on the predicted day and many people are going to use that to loot and riot. even if the world doesn;t end, its still not going to be a pretty day
you make really good points but i have to say [just to be difficult] does it really matter? i mean people believe in what they want, nobody has to read what they have to say...and even if the things you have listed arnt true...they could be..and boy would that be a slap in the face. all i believe is what happens, happens...let the scientist's think what they want to think, let half the world brood on the 2012 subject but in the end its not really going to matter cause someone is going to be right and someones going to be wrong...and also maybe you think like this because it scares you to even think that the world will come to an end...but if you think about it...what the f**k else is there to this world anymore? there is little to descover, nothing exciting ever happens...but now this 2012 has kind of brought fear into the lives of millions and i think its cool...not really knowing if your going to die in a little over 2 years, and that big breath your going to take on the first minute of december 13th...come on i know you will!!! then we will be the generation that lived through 2012...a date the myans WAY BACK in the day had believed to be the end of the world....everyone in the world will know exactly where they were and what they were doing on that day. even the non believers. im not saying i believe in it myself...but it would be kind of cool to.
Hey, its finaaly good to see people with sense, Does anyone else think that its funny that BOTH the mayans AND nosradamus smoked opium, the mayans were obssessed with opium along with nostradamus. History channel thinks nostradamus is jesus when he was high when he wrote those bullshit quatrains....
The people behind the History Channel should be ashamed of themselves.
Pseudoscience has no place on a channel devoted to history. There should be one channel,let's call it the "Bullshit Channel". And we can dump on there all the programs concerning Nostradamus,DaVincy codes,UFOs,frozen aliens,religious speculation and the like. This way the chowderheads have
somewhere to go to indulge their pathetic musings.
It's good to see this stuff. There is soooooooo much doomsday stuff around it's all a bit nausus. Just out of interest where did you get your scientific basis for the argument about the magnetic poles shifting? I dont claim to know the first thing about it you see. Cheers.
jamesshock@hotmail.co.uk
ur funny and i like u for that but seriously nothing is as bad as carlos mencia. I'm british and i'm 14 and i even know he's a f*****g f*g! one thing though the thing about the mini-nuclear crisis that kinda reminds me of the incident with north korea earlier this year and the problem we're having now with iran. think about it!
you , like those theorists, presume everyone has hands.
"a certified PHYSIC flipped three coins in to the air"...?
I wouldn't touch those coins with YOUR hands.
Let us review: according to Webster's II, New Riverside University Dictionary the word "science" is well defined as follows:
sci- ence 1.a.The observation, identification, description, experimental investigation, and theoretical explanation of natural phenomena. b. Such activity restricted to a class of natural phenomena c. Such activity applied to any class of phenomena. 2. Methodolological activity, disipline, or study3. An activity that appears to require study and nmethod 4. Knowledge, esp.that gained through experience
Now, strangely enough, the next word listed is "science fiction" n. Fiction in which actual or potential scientific discoveries and developments form part of the plot
As Carlin might say " Let me rephrase by saying let's shove this bullshit up their scientifiction asses. Thereby we leave nothing to chance."
I also refer to all the fact that the theories listed in the primary article are, without doubt, more likely a result of the first Webster's Dictionary description. The Bible is based upon faith and personal experiences, not science. No comparison there.
We most certainly agree we are not likely to fall for the Bullshit which is being thrown at us over this 2012 hype. And I am glad you enjoyed Mr. Carlin as well. Man he really told it like it was didn't he.
One last thing....would we be wise to cover our dicks in a lead underwear in 2012? You know....just in case?
I miss George Carlin too...
But I don't agree with the christian crap about shoving whatnot up science's ass. These 2012 predictions have nothing to do with science. Take for instance the galactic alignment crap. The earth and the sun or the earth and the moon, or the earth and my dick are all aligned with something big somewhere in the universe everyday and the earth doesn't implode through a wormhole into a dimension of pure itching during any of these alignments.
There is no scientific basis for saying the galactic alignment will cause a solar flare, or the earth's magnetic field to reverse, or breast implants to explode. As a matter of fact, when scrutinized my the scientific method or by anyone even half assed well versed in physics or the workings of the universe as we currently understand them, they lead to the same conclusion that a sane person can get from listening to any "Nostrodamus expert" talk: What the f**k?
Nostrodamus' boks were written vaguely for a reason: because they can be interpretted to fit any number of scenarios leading one to beleive the world is ending soon. Its the same reason why the book of revelations in the bible was written the way it was, that is to convince christians and muslims that the world is ending soon. Its been convincing those crackpots that Jeebus is coming back tomorrow for 2000 years, which is exactly what it was supposed to do.
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okay, so i have been thinking on this alot lately and didn't everyone think the world was going too end in 2000 also? anyone think that its just coincidence that the calendars end on the same date? maybe this all comes back to some religion thing but, i agree its BULLSHIT :) the end