5 Cosmic Events That Could Kill You Before Lunch
Sure, everybody has seen Armageddon and knows that if an asteroid should come hurdling toward us, we'd just have to send up a bunch of dudes to stuff a bomb inside it. Easy!
But it turns out there are a whole lot of other, less well-known threats out there in the cosmos that that could wipe us out at any moment. And we'd probably never see them coming.
#5.
Stellar Black Holes
Stellar black holes are so-named because they are only "sort of" more massive than our sun, in contrast with supermassive black holes that can stomp an entire galaxy into oblivion because they feel like it.
There are thousands of these stellar black holes floating around space. The problem is, we have no way of finding them unless they interact with another stellar object and we happen to see it. One way they interact is by completely annihilating the object (in fact, that is their preferred method--they're kind of dicks about it).
Actual science picture.
In other words, a black hole could be right next to our solar system and we wouldn't know it until it starts snacking on the sun.
What You'll See
The sun will suddenly start unwinding itself, and then everything will go black. Soon after the black hole will begin the process of collapsing all matter into a single point. So you, your mom, your couch, your porn, the Pacific Ocean and a billion Chinese people will all be crushed into an area the size of a golf ball.
It'll look like this, only less photoshopped.
The good news is that you won't live to see that. The first thing that happens to you after you get sucked into space is that you get "spaghettified." That's the actual term used by scientists, and we'll let you use your imagination as to what it means. Hint: it has nothing to do with the black hole feeding you lots of delicious spaghetti.
#4.
Gamma-Ray Bursts
Gamma-ray bursts are intense blasts of radiation that go rocketing into space when a star explodes, traveling at 99.99% the speed of light. We see these all the time, and they can even be spotted in different galaxies.
Why? Because they're really freaking bright. They are to our sun what our sun is to a Zippo lighter. And if a massive enough star explodes in our galaxy, its "wad" could hit us square in the chin.
There would be little warning, and one could be barreling down on us right now.
What You'll See
If you're on the side of the planet where it hits, this will be like getting caught in a nuclear blast 100 times stronger than all the nuclear warheads on Earth combined. You'll probably get through "OH" and half of "FUUUUCK" before you're interrupted by the sounds of your organs boiling.
If you happen to be on the other side of the planet, you'll simply burn to death from radiation as the atmosphere disintegrates and all the gamma-rays liquefy your cells. Some frequently asked questions during a gamma burst might be, "Why is the toilet water boiling?" "Why's mom all melty?" and of course, "Ouch, ouch, Oh dear God why?"
If we're lucky, it'll just be a "nearby" gamma-ray burst, which means it just grazes us. Oh it will still kill you, but the resulting death will be slower as the ozone layer burns up and our ecosystem is destroyed. So all those people you've always wanted to tell to fuck off? You'll have time to do it while the planet turns to Thunderdome around you.
There is a "Gamma-Ray Burst Coordinates Network," which attempts to detect bursts ahead of time, thus ensuring that we'll have time to run around in circles a few times while screaming our heads off before it hits.
#3.
Solar Expansion
Did you know that the sun (or the Deathball as it shall be called henceforth) is slowly expanding into a red giant. This won't happen for a long time (let those bitches in the year 5,000,000,000 deal with it) but it is getting hotter and closer as we speak.
And, due to the constant and massive nuclear reactions going on inside the Deathball, it turns out it's possible for it to suddenly expand a whole crapload at any time.
This won't help you at all.
What You'll See
Solar Expansion wouldn't kill you instantly. You'd have some time to go, "Say, did someone leave every oven in the state on and open for a few hours?" or, if you live in Riyadh, "That's it, I'm putting on a tank top and a pair of fucking shorts."
However, the situation would rapidly degenerate as all the water on Earth dries up in a couple of days. If you happen to live near a Costco and don't mind killing a few people for bottled water, you might last the week. Otherwise, you're probably screwed.
#1 is gonna happen to everyone eventually, it's called death.
ReplyThe end with the light switches made me laugh for 5 minutes straight
ReplyGee, thanks Cracked. This article is doing nothing for my paranoia.
ReplyToo heavy on the "comedy" in this article considering the writer doesn't have a f*****g clue what comedy is
ReplyThe fact that this hasn't happened yet is proof that God exists.
ReplyOr completely random, the universe is big.
1.Metaphor.It's kinda like farting in the middle a mall, what are the odds someones gonna notice you.
2.Explanation.It's kinda like not being the "star" of that/those million Michael Bay movies in an endless void. Odds are it's not gonna happen.
Something really odd...Theres a much more interesting thing they left out.
ReplyIts my favorite one too! You see, our universe is a false vacuum. This has many consequences, mainly, the Vacuum metastability event. Since we live in a false vacuum the universe isnt in its lowest energy state...and could at any moment tunnel into that state. What does this mean? Well...
"The possibility that we are living in a false vacuum has never been a cheering one to contemplate. Vacuum decay is the ultimate ecological catastrophe; in the new vacuum there are new constants of nature; after vacuum decay, not only is life as we know it impossible, so is chemistry as we know it. However, one could always draw stoic comfort from the possibility that perhaps in the course of time the new vacuum would sustain, if not life as we know it, at least some structures capable of knowing joy. This possibility has now been eliminated."
I think it's mentioned in another article...
Point 1: You not know even for 1 second that you'd be about to die because of a Gamma Ray Burst. You'd just be dead all of sudden.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesPoint 2: You could not blow up dark energy.
I think he knows you can't blow up dark energy, and he pretty much stated your first point.
You are telling him that a fact he made in a joke is wrong? Wow, thats cutting.
I think you missed the humour of this article.
Yeah, what you're saying is true, but this is a humor site. It's all comedy.
And let's not forget the grammar.
Oh man, normally I don't let imagine go too far when I read cracked articles but the thought of having the sun disappear and everything turning black is a scary thought. Hopefully, black holes stay in black universes
ReplyWe have now confirmed through direct observation the existence of an accretion disk; the thing that forms outside the event horizon of a gravitational singularity. This means our universe has black holes.
Quick, Call the Doctor! He'll fix all this and still have time to be witty!
ReplyI was about to say, The Big Rip sounds like something straight out of Doctor Who.
My first thought with #1 was "THAT WAS IN AMY'S WAALLLLL!"
Oh God I wish Doctor Who wasn't fiction. Otherwise we're screwed.
I read this for the first time three years ago. It's still one of my favorites. The gamma ray burst is the best; I hurt myself laughing at it every time.
ReplyI saw a galactus joke coming as soon as I read 'galactic cannibalism'
ReplyDoes it suck to have to write an article that's has already been written and posted on this site about four other times and then have those other articles get 1-2 million more hits?
Replyim sure it sucks more to be you
No, it rules.
I'm in for the plan of blowing the f**k out of that dark matter. It works that way in michael bay movies, so it should totally work now :D
ReplyThis article suffered from repeated mis-use of the word "hurdling." It was used in lieu of the word "hurtling" which would have been much more appropriate and wouldn't imply a massive cosmic game of leap-frog.
ReplyActually Solar Expansion wouldn't kill us nor it would destroy the earth. Accordingly to the latest simulations, the earth would be pushed farther by the sun, which would save the earth completely. But this is only going to happen in almost 5billion years from now on...
ReplyAlso if there's any big rip happenning, then again it's only gonna be in 5 billion years from now...
and our galaxies colliding....
Of course if you watch the Science channel and listen to all of this in soothing tones of Morgan Freeman, after a while you realize, these 'scientists' don't know what the hell they're talking about. They've never seen any of these events. Never seen evidence of any of these events. And they're going by a "fuckifweknow" kind of logic. A lot of them were saying "this may be what happens" especially detailing what happens with, in, or around black holes. All of it, every scrap of it, is guess work, and they get paid the big bucks, while their shrugging, laughing, and flipping people off.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNo shit. The point of this isn't to say that scientists know these are DEFINITELY GOING TO HAPPEN RIGHT NOW. It's that scientists have theorized these could be possible and it's kind of fun to imagine them. Also, we have observed black holes, we've observed supernovas and stellar expansion, and it's a hell of a lot better than sitting back and doing nothing. Scientists are ripping you off, you spoiled brat. They're trying their best. You can't do a fraction of what they can. And for your information, you probably wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for scientists.
Scientists DID observe gamma ray bursts. And we can see it happen in the sky almost every day you know? One day you're gonna see a flashing dot, way more brither than the sun, then you'll know that is a gamma ray burst.
You have to give them some credit, scientists study these sort of things for years and quite frankly its one hell of a career to be a part of. If they didn't know shit, they would probably not be involved in this at all. They do their best to figure out what is going on in the universe and honestly I doubt you could do any better :P
The overwhelming atheistic undertones of this article, and the Cracked community in general, is extremely irritating. It is absurdly illogical to conclude that one "ceases to exist" at bodily death. Furthermore, it renders all human activity *ultimately meaningless*, as the end result (in this system) is absolutely nothing. All actions are equal, so why do anything? If you do something, why not go for absurd, nihilistic destruction? It's insanity. It is ridiculously easy to *perfectly logically deduce* that consciousness continues after death, perhaps in a state similar to dreaming, where the parameters of waking life (the scientific method) have no bearing whatsoever. Yet, so many intellectuals prefer the useless, baseless, "apathetic vanity" approach and decide, in their intellectual superiority, that they "won't even think about it".
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesIt's the stupidest position imaginable. The "flying butt hole in space" deity is preferable to that position.
I disagree. Being an atheist is like living in Eminem's one song, about only getting one shot. If there is no after life, it's not that what you do in this one doesn't matter (presumably because you won't be around to care), it's that it matters most. There are no continues, no resets, no 1-Ups, no save points, and no do-overs.
Second, it is not easy to "perfectly logically deduce" a continued consciousness after death because we have zero empirical (not anecdotal) evidence to even suggest anything of the sort.
Lastly, if a tingle of atheism is enough to offend you, you're really on the wrong site. Try Conservipedia.
So you're saying that the only reason anoyone has ever done anything decent and kind is because God (or god, or gods) wouldn't let them into Heaven otherwise? And if we're not getting a big, fat reward after all this crap, we might as well start eating babies and stomping on kittens because f*ck it? Nice view of humanity you've got there.
I find it pretty interesting that your idea of afterlife involves setting aside all that annoying rationality, logic and independent thinking.
I use big words, so that makes me better than you.
Honestly, if there is no afterlife, then there is no real point to bothering with doing good. That's just basic human nature. Humans aren't unlike many other animals. We do certain things because we believe that those actions will be rewarded in some way. If there is no reward or punishment, then we might as well go around slaughtering other people and eating babies and whatever else we feel like doing. At the very core, our concepts of "right" and "wrong" are determined by religion. Humans are not good and moral creatures by nature. They're only good and moral when they have some concept of "what I do is going to affect what happens to me".
@Rao_86, when something goes wrong, like in a car accident, let's say, where most of man-kind goes "oh dear God help me" or "sweet baby Jesus be on my side". Do Athiests go, "sweet chemical reaction in the sky that burns and keeps us warm! Help me!" Or what?
"We do certain things because we believe that those actions will be rewarded in some way. If there is no reward or punishment, then we might as well go around slaughtering other people and eating babies and whatever else we feel like doing."
I'm an atheist, and I feel no compulsion to do this. You see, I like being alive, and since this is most likely the only period of time where my consciousness will exist, I'd like to prolong it for as long as possible. If I go about eating babies and blowing up buildings because I feel like it, well, my time on earth isn't going to last much longer, is it? I'll piss off enough people with weapons that they'll put an end to my bullshit fairly quickly. I coexist, contribute, and follow the rules set by my society; ergo I get a better chance at living as long as possible.
"Humans are not good and moral creatures by nature. They're only good and moral when they have some concept of "what I do is going to affect what happens to me".
My reward for doing good is a longer period of time in which to have sex, eat delicious foods, get drunk, play with puppies, and sleep in a comfortable environment. In fact, if I contribute enough to society in a measurable manner I may even earn lots of money and can do even more of those things after moving to a warm and tropical environment in which humans are well-adapted to flourish in! So you are correct, I do good things because my actions will affect me. However I am working for rewards that are tangible, not fantasy.
Seriously? There are so many ridiculous statements in here, I just don't know what to say.
First off, if someone is atheistic and believes that everything that happens is inherently meaningless that does not automatically mean everything is also subjectively meaningless. We, as people, create the meaning of events. As an atheist you would never just go out and kill someone because you know that this person's life has a subjective meaning to them and everyone around them. In the grand scheme of things, their life has no inherent meaning, yes, but that does not mean that it has no meaning whatsoever.
Also, please explain how you can logically deduce that consciousness continues after death. There is no empirical evidence whatsoever to suggest that any type of afterlife exists and there is no reason to suggest that consciousness continues after death. As has long been known to researchers, consciousness emanates from the brain, and even when we are asleep and in a dream state, consciousness is still a basic brain function. When we die, our brains are no longer in action, therefore it is quite logical to deduce that consciousness would also cease to be. If consciousness is a brain function and our brain ceases to function at death, consciousness would also cease at death.
It really bothers me when people "logically" try to prove God or afterlife or what have you. According to all the evidence we have, the most logical assumption to make is that there is no God or afterlife or anything of the source. One can certainly have faith that these things exist, that is there prerogative and it is not troublesome in the least. It is when people try to prove the existence of these things logically that it gets ridiculous because there is no empirical or logical proof.
I see quite a bit of arrogance here in the original comment and quite frankly, shame on you. First off, does saying that "you would cease to exist" automatically imply that its coming from the mind of an atheist? I think what the author was pointing out that the event itself would basically cause instant death. Your angry rant is pretty pathetic imo, and as an atheist it saddens me that there's so much hate spewing from your mind. I honestly don't want to seem like a jerk here and have no intention of trying to show that your delusional mindset of "supreme morality" is false. Here's a hint, next time discuss the article instead of going on a huge rant about a group of people you clearly have no clue about.
ah shaddap all of you, nobody cares if your religious or whatnot.
The author isn't talking about death here. He's talking about the end of existence. If dark energy pulled the universe apart it would be the end of reality, not just the end of life.
And now, because people have read it, they think it has somehow inherently increased the chance of us dying soon.
ReplyKnowledge is futility.
#5 infalling matter into black holes emit x-rays and gamma rays, all the time.
ReplyWell before they got near, we'd notice their effect on the oort cloud, then then the outer planets, then we would have our orbit messed with and freeze or melt, then the earth would be ripped apart by tidal forces. These would all happen if we encountered a neutron star, which are more common, or a white dwarf is even more common, but it's still incredibly unlikely, and we'd have lots of warning.
#4 We can get an idea that i might happen soon from how a massive star is acting. the nearest possible one is 7000-8000 light years away, worst case scenario it could take a bit of the ozone layer away. at 3,200 light years one of them could take about about half of it.
Time to make some people stop crapping their pants.
Reply Hide All See All 7 Replies#5 The chances of any star, including a black hole, colliding with our solar system is 1% in 4.5 billion years. So don't worry about it.
#4 Okay, this could happen. However, 1: They are rare, and 2: They aren't widespread. It takes a very large star, over 30 solar masses, to have a gamma ray burst. Also, it is a thin beam. Picture an archer as the star going supernova and GRB 1000 light years away, and the earth as a target. The earth getting hit by that GRB is like shooting an arrow (that doesn't fall, obviously) in literally any direction, all 360 degrees by 360 degrees, and hitting a target 300 million miles away. That's why, despite GRBs happening in our galaxy every few hundred or thousand years, we're still here.
#3 This will happen, in 5 billion years (technically it will make it uninhabitable in 500 million, but at that point if we're around we can fking compensate). However, there is no way for it to expand by a lot unless it's running out of fuel. For it do expand, it needs a lot of heat. For that kind of heat with it's gravity, you need to be fusing helium. In order for that, you need to run out of hydrogen. Which will happen in 5 billion years.
#2 Most galactic collisions are very peaceful. In fact, usually not a single star collides with another, due to vast distances in between. Even if it was some kind of monster all black hole and dark matter galaxy (which probably doesn't exist) there still wouldn't be much world ending chaos to be found. Sure, we might get flung out of the galaxy, but who gives? As long as we had the sun, we could just go about our lives, now having a cool fuel of the Milky Way as we sped away from it.
#1 That isn't even what the Big Rip is. The Big Rip would be caused by dark matter, but it's a result of the gradual expansion it causes actually tearing all matter apart. This, however, is almost certainly bulls**t, because the expansion does not affect things that are gravitationally bound. Therefore, galaxies and galaxy clusters and everything smaller would remain intact. Now their propose theory. There is absolutely no reason to think that at all. As they state, we don't know what it is. You can say anything could destroy the universe, as long as you don't know it doesn't. But there isn't any evidence.
No, the "Big Rip" would NOT be caused by dark matter, because the Big Rip can only happen if the gravitational force was completely overriden everywhere in the universe, and dark matter is very much affected by gravity. #1 would only be caused if the cosmological constant "discovered" (and that word is in quotations because Einstein made it in complete denial) is much, much higher than it actually is theoretically thought to be, and that the curvature of the universe is a hell of a lot more negative than it actually is. The Big Rip is purely theoretical, and it actually never happen.
And actually, since gravity is everywhere in the universe, EVERYTHING has a gravitational effect on everything else, no matter how small of an effect that is, and expansion very much affects things gravitationally bound, but not things that are HEAVILY bound, like solar systems and the insides of galaxies. Eventually, other galaxies will move away from the Milky Way, but expansion won't cause the dissolution of solar systems, say.
That said, you're right. Most of these scenarios, while they could very much cause the destruction of earth (and of the universe, in the case of #1) the probability of any of those things happening is slim to none. Especially in the case of the Big Rip. The author just hasn't done his research.
@ThirteenDoves
Einstein also was heavily against quantum physics, and it's almost entirely accepted. He's brilliant, but he's not omniscient and shouldn't be treated as a sole source.
OMG pepoalz r yoozing teh smrt wrd i don uderssnd.
I meant dark energy. Yeah, most scientists think that galaxy clusters will merge into CD (cluster diffuse) galaxies, which will hold together until after all their stars die.
You guys do understand the author put COULD he didn't put "IT WILL HAPPEN SO GET READY!!!"
Could mean slim to none.... God you armchair scientists make me so sad sometimes.
Good to know you're out there, reading and interpreting Wikipedia so we don't have to.