7 Methods for Coping with Tragedy (Courtesy of James Bond)
Although our attempts to form a religion around the teachings of James Bond have largely failed, the man still has much to teach us.
Today we'll examine how Bond deals with the many, many tragedies he's encountered in his life. We hope to show you that, though he may be a suave secret agent with an almost inhuman ability to score chicks, Bond lives his life by principals we can all apply in our own day to day existence.
#1.
A Colleague Dies
As Seen In:
A View To A Kill, The World Is Not Enough
The death of a coworker is something we must all be prepared to deal with, especially if we work at a large company with bad health benefits. Being able to cope ensures the tragedy doesn't derail a healthy workplace and career. Having repeatedly watched fellow agents fall in the line of duty, Bond has had no choice but to learn to properly mourn his colleagues.
"Goodbye, Hagrid."
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Look slightly surprised for two seconds.
Step Two: Go on as if nothing happened.
"I shall miss you, Agent 003. As soon as I finish looting your corpse."
#2.
You Find Your Best Friend's Corpse, After a Drug Lord Fed Him to a Shark
As Seen In:
License To Kill
Probably no more than 10% of you will lose a close friend to a premeditated shark attack, and fewer still will find out about their death from a taunting note taped to the half-eaten body.
But as Bond demonstrates once again, you must learn to keep the tragedy from taking over your life.
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Resign from the service.
Step Two: Go on a rampage, brutally murdering every drug dealer in South America.
Step Three: Utter dry witticism.
Step Four: Never mention friend again.
#3.
A Woman You Love is Murdered
As Seen In:
Goldfinger, You Only Live Twice, Diamonds Are Forever, The Man With The Golden Gun, Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only... pretty much all of them.
How often have you met a woman--say, during a high-stakes card game or while sneaking into a criminal mastermind's submarine--only to have her turn up brutally murdered later? As Bond demonstrates, the important thing is that you not blame yourself ... even if it's happened to a statistically convincing percentage of the many women he's slept with.
"That must have taken forever! What an asshole."
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Bow head for three seconds
Step Two: Kill said bad guy
"You're about to find out why they call me Bulletfinger."
"Wait, what?"
*POW*
Step Three: Utter dry witticism.
Step Four: Go on as if nothing happened.
#4.
The Love of Your Life Is Cruelly Murdered By Your Arch-Nemesis on Your Wedding Day
As Seen In:
On Her Majesty's Secret Service, concluded by Diamonds Are Forever.
The death of the spouse is the most life-changing event a person can suffer (according to the Holmes-Rahe Life Change Scale). How can any man go on? Ask Bond.
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Spend five minutes attempting revenge
Step Two: Fail
Step Three: Fly to Vegas
Step Four: Pick up cheap floozie
"My wife just died, you know."
"Oh, you poor man. Sympathy's an extra five bucks."
Step Five: Go joy riding in a stolen moon-buggy for some reason
Step Six: Go on as if nothing happened, even when face-to-face with said nemesis.
"Well, Bond, how do you feel about my killing your wife?"
"My what now?"
#5.
You're Forced to Murder a Woman You Loved (Because She Turned Out to be Evil)
As Seen In:
Live And Let Die, The World Is Not Enough
If you ever find yourself in this situation, please consult a professional before you murder the woman. Bond is careful never to kill his lovers unless they are a threat to the free world. Finding out she's banging your neighbor Todd does not qualify (at least, in the eyes of the law).
"I know that unlike Denise Richards, you can actually act. But trying to kill me is still going to end poorly for you."
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Utter dry witticism.
Step Two: Bow head for two seconds
Step Three: Dive out the window to kill more bad guys.
#6.
You Lose a High-Stakes Card Game
As Seen In:
Casino Royale
Up to 10 million people suffer from gambling addiction. The effects of major losses can result in depression or even suicide. Bond shows us that the path to recovery requires a little help from a friend.
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Order vodka martini, angrily refuse to specify whether shaken or stirred.
Step Two: Have someone smash your nuts over and over again.
#7.
Your Parents Die in a Skiing Accident at Age 11
As Seen In:
Referenced in the books, mostly, but comes up from time to time.
We pity anyone whose childhood was lost to the untimely death of a parent. But, once more when life is at its cruelest, Bond shows us that it is possible to transform tragedy into a life of purpose and resolve.
The Grieving Process:
Step One: Drop out of school
Step Two: Join the Royal Navy
Step Three: Transfer to Secret Service
Step Four: Get paid by the government to kill bad guys and get laid like it's 1969.
"THIS IS MY BURDEN AND I SHALL BEAR IT ALONE!"
Be sure to check out The 15 Most Cringe-Worthy James Bond Puns, or if you're the creative type, this week's photoshop contest is asking you to come up with James Bond Gadgets That Didn't Make It Into the Movies.
Bloody good job, sir! A splendid example of keeping the British end up. There's some stiff upper-lip for you!
ReplyI've got a feeling that the author of this didn't quite understand what was going on in some of the example movies. Of course, it's for humor. OHMSS wasn't supposed to come right before DAF, and apparently making the movie just like the book not only screws up the continuity, but it makes people not like the movie. So, they brought Connery back and suddenly he's on a new random adventure pretending like he never had a wife.
ReplyThe end of On Her Majesty's Secret Service was SO sad because you could tell he was actually upset about someone dieing for once.
I believe you're confused. Bond actually won the poker game, and le Chiffre was torturing Bond to get the money from him. Unless you're referring to earlier in the movie, when he lost and Felix gave him the $5 million, therefore having no effect on the movie.
ReplyI believe you're taking this too seriously. Unless you're referring to witty satire, therefore having no effect as criticism.
Notice how he said that Bond needed help from a friend; obviously a reference to Leiter.
In "From Russia with Love", widely considered the best Bond film, Ali Kerim Bey, Bond's Turkish colleague and a confirmed nepotist, visibly limps in most scenes. The character is eventually killed, managing to kill his killer while dying. The actor playing Karim Bey, Pedro Armendariz, was also dying of cancer, knew it, and was in agony, which is why he's limping. He found out he was actually dying during filming, and they changed the shooting schedule to be sure he could finish his scenes. As soon as he finished the movie, thus getting his family one last paycheck, he killed himself, a victim of the "Curse of 'The Conqueror'".
ReplyBond (Sean Connery) seems visibly upset by the death of his character, and also later when he tells the man's sons he's gone. Considering everybody on set presumably knew Armendariz's condition, it's not clear how much acting Connery is doing.
Hey, a distant relative! :)
Technically he didn't drop out of school, but was forced to after "An incident with the maid", and to save you more time spend fapping and less time imagining, the maid was a communist secret agent sent to kill the King of England. (By Royal Command, Charlie Higson, accepted James Bond Canon)
ReplySo, I'm in class learning (aka reading cracked articles) and I scroll down to see step 2 of #6. I couldn't help but burst a laugh. The result was a "stand up and share with the class" in my 200 person bio lecture. This then further resulted to all of my peers and my professor crying laughing for the next 5 minutes.
ReplyI laughed so hard at that line. I'm still laughing at it.
The new bond is gay
ReplyNumber 2 is false, Felix's leg is only bitten off below the knee and he is still alive. Bond speaks to him on the phone later in the movie. So in License to Kill Bond never actually grieves for Felix because he never dies.
ReplyI thought Felix survived. That's why I was a little confused when i read that one.
I wonder if that's new, I remember seeing it on HBO a year after it came out and also recall him never being seen after being found with the note. Then I saw it on DVD and there he was, not dead after all, which really made no sense.
hey woah woah woah woah woah Denise Richards has a very big acting career *cough* in front of her.
ReplyThat gambling addiction advice actually works. Hurts like Hell but it works.
ReplyThis is awesome. James Bond represents everything that is awesome and masculine in the 21st century.
Replyto gratefulgroover...it's spelled grammar.
Replygrammer trolls are so....so....so....
Replyyeah idk i guess a grammer trol is an insult enough
"Your Parents Die in a Skiing Accident at Age 11"
ReplyHis parents were only 11?
OMG TOO FUNNY! Wow, you must be the most hilarious guy in the world!
if memory serves felix's wife from license to kill was his best friend....but i maybe wrong.
ReplyPalinIsaMILF: Dalton looks like a homeless man in a stolen tuxedo. Choosing a Dalton Bond movie as your favorite is an automatic joke, like voting for Mickey Mouse in an election.
ReplyWe must end the terrorist threats. No longer will we endure the ramificationale of a Jihadism attack on Americanese soil. I will inductrinate the taxification of junk foods not just to remedify the mortgage meltdown the the volitilitation of the market, but to disrobe the unhealthy folks from inducting too much fatty food into their fatty tissue. I I know folks, I'm from Texas and all you see on a Friday night dance floor is a bunch of heifers being led to slaughter. It's really sad folks because you see one of those Irv Gotti kids from New Jersey, toxic waste in their hair and poisonous fumes masticating from their bodies, trying to romanticize all the fatties. It saddens me that my great state of Texas has been reduced to nothing but the battle of the bulge, which is a name I just made up. They will probably put that in a text book when they write about me heh heh. Battle of the Bulge. But really what I am getting at folks is, as my last days as President of the World, that I ju
Replyi. love you.
Ugh... too good. I'm going to go watch License To Kill now. Thank you.
ReplyMmm, I like me a white man.
ReplyWhy wasn't GoldenEye mentioned in #1? Cripes, that was, like, the first half of the movie!
ReplyNot trying to be fanboyish here, but wow.