#3. Group Therapy for 120 Personalities
If you're a Hollywood screenwriter, or a horrible, horrible doctor, the most convenient of all mental disorders is multiple personality disorder. In Wisconsin, psychiatrist Kenneth Olson hit the motherload when he convinced a patient she had 120 separate personalities. And these weren't all just sissy personalities like "sociopathic killer" or "sexually promiscuous narcoleptic," either. She also had the personalities of a duck and the devil. Please take a moment to figure out which one you personally feel is more fucked up.
The doctor also admitted to having performed an exorcism on her, a course of treatment he thought necessary based on his diagnosis that she was a bride of Satan after having been ritually raped by upwards to 70 men and animals. After watching several reruns of Frasier, we're fairly confident this sort of mental health diagnosis is very rare.
We're sure Kelsey Grammar has a Ph.D. in something.
Faced with the daunting task of treating so many personalities, and lord knows duck psychiatry is a niche market, Dr. Olson did what any irresponsible doctor would: He charged all 120 for treatment and billed Blue Cross for $300,000. Inexplicably, after this, and performing an exorcism on the woman, the good doctor ended up in court where she won a $2.4 million settlement against him. However, if you feel yourself being tormented by devil ducks any time soon, Dr. Olsen still has a practice in Montana and will likely be happy to see to your mental health needs.
#2. Screwdriver Spine
Look, we all admire MacGuyver. And we hope that when faced with some impossible situation in the future, we'll be able to cobble together a nice solution out of random shit we have lying around.
But you know who you probably don't want doing that kind of on-the-fly improvisation? The surgeon who's working on your spine. That's one case where you'd pretty much like them to have that shit planned out ahead of time, in some detail.
In 2001, Arturo Iturralde was supposed to have a pair of titanium rods installed in his back (perhaps as part of a slow transition into cyborg assassin). However, once his back was flopping wide open on the table, Iturralde's surgeon noticed that the rods were missing. Using quick thinking, the surgeon used the next best thing he could find: a screwdriver.
After a quick hacksaw job to cut off the handle (because, you know, the handle part isn't medically sound) he jammed the tool in Iturralde's back, presumably with a handful of finishing nails and some copper wire. Unsurprisingly, Sears doesn't make their screwdrivers medical grade and it snapped a few days later, forcing Iturralde to endure several more surgeries.
The next best thing.
The end result was the doctor and the hospital being on the hook for $5.6 million. Really, it sucks that the hospital had to pay, because how could they have known? Oh, wait, because the guy had already had his license suspended in two other states.
#1. Dr. Batshit
Donald Dudley claimed to be a doctor. He also claimed to be a member of the CIA and someone who controlled the entire world, which you will recognize as impeccable credentials if you are crazy. Since Dudley was himself crazier than a shithouse rat, he and his imaginary position with the CIA made him capable of treating a 30-year-old autistic man named Stephen Drummond who had a seizure disorder.
The actual King of the World.
As you might expect, part of his new therapy at the hands of Dudley was to get injected with sodium amytal, have part of his brain erased through the use of hypnotic suggestion and drugs that made him psychotic and delusional. That's just good old fashioned imaginary CIA doctoring right there.
But Dudley really set himself apart when he used his influence over Drummond to train him to be part of the doctor's army that would one day take over all the schools, hospitals and police. Likely this last part was not covered by insurance.
Donald Dudley's credentials
Dudley, whose medical license had been suspended after he was diagnosed as bipolar some years earlier, apparently had a long list of "experimental" treatments on his resume. He once instructed a patient with chronic fatigue syndrome to use martial arts and guns to relax. He was also once found by police in a hotel room with a 15-year-old boy and a small arsenal of guns. Oh, and he believed he was from another planet.
Gun Therapy worked for Hunter S. Thompson. Sort of.
The doctor died (or went back to his home planet) before he could be brought to trial for his malpractice. However insurance ended up paying $2 million to Drummond's family. Meanwhile, somewhere out there an army of rain men and really sleepy ninjas await word from their master to storm local hospitals.
For more Fortey, check out ScenicAnemia.com.
For more reasons to hate and fear doctors, check out 8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk and 8 Medical Terms Your Doctor Uses to Insult You.
And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks because the Doctors of the Internet can cure what ails ya.