8 Medical Terms Your Doctor Uses to Insult You

By Elizabeth Benefiel May 27, 2008 474,221 views

Who do you think are the most cynical people in the world? Cops? Executioners? Or maybe prostitutes? Clowns?

We're thinking it's doctors. If you want proof, check out some of the horrifying-yet-hilarious slang they use around the office. Yes, these are real.

#8.

PRATFO

What It Means: Patient Reassured And Told to Fuck Off.

When It's Used:
When a patient comes into the ER more hysterical than ill, the doctor reassures the patient and asks them to leave. However, this acronym has gotten at least one doctor into trouble when he scribbled it in a patient's chart and then later was asked to explain it in court.

We're not saying you should ever lie in court, but in that situation you should at least consider it.

#7.

AMYOYO Syndrome

What It Means: Alright, Motherfucker, You're On Your Own.

When It's Used:
If television is to be believed, any condition, no matter how egregious or how slim the chances of survival, can be surmounted with the intervention of a charismatic, slightly eccentric doctor or the introduction of a particularly salient plot point.

Well, television is not to be believed. If a patient split from crotch to neck, sustained a shotgun wound to the chest, or fell twenty stories onto the pavement, then a great deal's up to a God. Assuming he exists, or cares. Thus we get the AMYOYO Syndrome diagnosis, with the variations SOLOMFYOYO (So long, Motherfucker, You're On Your Own) and GPO (Good for Parts Only).

#6.

Faecal Encephalopathy

What It Means: Shit-for-Brains.

When It's Used:
If you wind up in the emergency room because, say, you were trying to launch bottle rockets out of your anus, you can expect to hear this term thrown around. Latin, or pseudo-latin, is often used to convey unflattering terms and make it sound grandiloquent to the uninformed (or faecal-encephalopathic) ear.

Variations include Cranio-Rectal Syndrome and Cranial Rectosis, presumably for when the patient doesn't have shit for brains but merely has his head up his ass.

#5.

Cut and Paste

What It Means:
Also called an "Open and Close" or a "Peek and Shriek," this is when a surgeon opens up a patient for surgery, discovers nothing can be done to avert the inevitable, and sews them back up immediately. Or, if they feel like it, practice surgical technique for a while.

When It's Used:
Generally, this is encoded as "C&P," "CNP" or something similar, so that the head of the department knows what happened but the to-be-aggrieved family doesn't. Typically this happens with very old people, those with suddenly aggravated chronic health problems, or people with inoperable cancer, soon resulting in a "healthy tumor" (a dead patient).

#4.

SBI

What It Means: Something Bad Inside.

When It's Used:
When the medical staff encounters a strange complaint that doesn't meet any known diagnostic criteria. As much as you don't want to hear SBI as your diagnosis, it's still better than the alternate SVBI (Something Very Bad Inside) which means whatever it is appears to be killing you.

Either may be followed up with a "SWAG" (Scientific Wild-Ass Guess).

#3.

CTF

What It Means:
Cletus the Fetus. Used to describe infants born at 23 weeks or earlier, where their survival rate is less than 1%. There are no confirmed cases of babies surviving at 22 weeks or earlier, which means that children born then are less likely to live than someone who just jumped off the Empire State Building.

When It's Used:
New parents have a tendency to not hear anything that doesn't fit the "Our child will survive because he is special, we are special, and we love him" paradigm. No. Little Cletus will make it no matter what those mean old overpaid white coats tell Mommy and Daddy. Because life works like Lifetime home movies.

It's at this point you should realize that when you're surrounded by the sick and dying every day, no subject is too dark for comedy.

#2.

Slow Code to China

What It Means:
Hospitals use a series of emergency codes (Code Blue, for instance, means the patient is dying and needs immediate resuscitation). Not listed among the official codes is the Slow Code, meaning the patient is dying, and not to worry too much about it.

When It's Used:
Sometimes, a very ill, very elderly, or very hopeless patient wants the doctors to do everything they can to keep them alive. And sometimes, doctors don't want to do that: it's too much work, the patient will die anyway, or the person just isn't worth preserving.

#1.

CBT

What It Means: Chronic Biscuit Toxicity. Patient is really fat.

When It's Used:
Doctors seem to be inventing more and more of these unflattering terms as obesity becomes more chronic in the western world. You may also hear Polydipose Dysfunction, BW (beached whale) and others, all of which are sure to see plenty of usage until some enlightened future when a doctor can just say the phrase "lard ass" to a patient's face.

Here are some other, rather self-explanatory terms you probably don't want to hear in the halls outside your hospital room:

Cunts and Runts

The gynecology/obstetrics department.

BFH

Big Fucking Head. As in, the patient has one.

Brothel Sprouts

Genital warts.

COPS

Chronic Old Person's Disease.

Donorcycle

Motorcycle. As in, a frequent source of organ donors.

CTD

Circling The Drain. Just picture the world of the living as a bath tub.

If you enjoy thinking your doctors are horrible people and want to think it more, this site has an enormous list of these terms that pretty much redefine cynicism.

If you liked that you'll probably enjoy our look at 5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science. And don't forget to check out Internet Party 2: An Intervention for MySpace to see which sites you shouldn't be inviting to your next intervention. You should probably also watch this video to find out why 7 Reasons the New Kid Rock Song is The Worst Ever Written.

Recommended for Your Pleasure

The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Animal Facts

by: Rohan Ramakrishnan

1,106,018 views
5 Ways To Hack Your Brain Into Awesomeness

by: Joe DB

962,220 views
5 Species That Seem to be Trying to Take Over the Earth

by: Rich Wallace

706,746 views
5 Superpowers You Didn't Know Your Body Was Hiding From You

by: Brian Thompson

665,890 views

116 Comments

I have to agree with superego1989. Doctors have to deal with so much s**t it's not even funny. Who can blame them for trying to liven up their occupational life once in a while? I mean, haven't you done the same at least once in your life, say, an inside joke or even gossip?
I, for one, think it's rather clever that doctors have done stuff like this, and if it was me they were describing, I'd most likely just laugh.

10/1/2009 6:22:13 PM

Saint.Dark

COPS

Chronic Old Person's Disease.

I think you mean syndrome? You had better if you want it to remain an acronym

9/12/2009 5:53:13 PM

aurochs

One my mother-in-law's doc (an amiable old Irish fellow) told her is that she had "CRS disease." She asked what that is. "Can't remember shite, love."

8/31/2009 10:46:44 AM

mordredlefay

In defence of most docters, they deal with death daily, then they have to watch what they do (sexist claims) watch what they say (discrimination)and then they have to deal with doctor shoppers (people who say im not seeing another doctor but i have a really bad back and i need X drug, then go to another doctor saying they need Y drug, combine them both to get high) they have to deal with people getting angry at them for not doing what they want. they deal with telling people they have 3 months to live and there is nothing they can do.

im just saying if they need anything to make their job easier or more bareable go for it.

8/20/2009 3:00:19 AM

superego1989

My close friend donated all of his organs after he died in a motorcycle accident. Only he was wearing his helmet and the other guy made an illegal turn while he was on a whole bunch of drugs in an unregistered car without a drivers liscence. Hospitals suck.

8/9/2009 2:04:30 PM

jaina-anne

Donorcycle refers to a motorcycle where the rider is not wearing a helmet.
My favorite is the patient (or user for you techs out there) is suffering from rectal cranial inversion.

8/4/2009 8:27:36 PM

CerebralOrigami

I have developed a healthy hatred of hospitals in the area where I am stationed at after I was taken to the Emergency Room for a very large and painful hydrocele that had engulfed my right testicle. The receptionist kept calling me a "nut job" and mad many jokes to other patients and staff members about my injuries, even to the point of making fun of my being on the floor in pain.

The attending doctor was no better, she refused to let my wife in with me, and told me that I had no right to ask for a male doctor, and that a male nurse was also out of the question. Dr. Catherine Glazer went on to say that I "did not deserve" any scans or even an actual exam, and that the pain was all in my head.

I am now sterile and impotent at 26 because of Lawrence and Memorial Hospital in new london, ct.

Oh, and by the way, the connecticut board of health told me that I brought my shabby treatment upon myself by going to the ER in the first place. According to the administrative staff of the hospital, I am "a sexist pig" for asking for a male doctor, but, they "have to have a female doctor on staff in the ER at all times to care for female patients to the ER."

8/4/2009 8:16:24 PM

AngrySailor302

Having once been a mechanic for ten years, I can tell you that wrench jockeys have a few acronyms and codes for their customers:

"ANBW" or "Adjust Nut behind the Wheel" means the car's malfunctions are caused by the idiot owner's bad driving habits. Like the owner of a one-year-old Corvette who needed a second transmission replaced, after explaining that the car "shimmied really bad at around 9000 RPMs).

"Adjust the Uter Valve" = Woman driver doesn't know how to drive.

"Summer Air" refers to a customer who has been taken in by an unscrupulous mechanic at another shop. This comes from a common ripoff scam in which people, usually women or elderly drivers, are told they have "summer air" in their tires, which is dangerous in winter weather, and are then charged for an air replacement. Nine times out of ten, the customer would rather believe their "own" mechanic than accept they were ripped off.

"Squeezer" or "Balloon" is the dangerous sort you see at the gas station filling their tires at the air pump and poking, kicking or squeezing the tire to see if ti is full, instead of using a gauge. Or, they "eyeball" it, filling it up until the bulge at the bottom is gone. Bear in mind that most tires take 28-32 psi of air pressure to be properly filled. I've had my boss yell "Balloon" and point at some pinhead, only to discover they had 90 psi or more in their tires.

8/3/2009 9:38:24 AM

mister.write

I'd love to hear EPTTWIBOW - Evil Person That The World Is Better Off Without - on some fat cat's medical chart.

Wait. That's a bit too wordy, isn't it?

7/12/2009 7:24:33 AM

Luigifan

Actually the "CBT" that you provided wasn't nearly as bad as the "CBT" that jumped into my mind upon seeing the letters.

7/2/2009 2:48:55 PM

auslander

They missed PITA patient (Pain In The Ass patient).

6/25/2009 3:22:32 PM

gendoikari

I never go to the doctor or emergency room for reasons like this, I don't want to be judged or made fun of because some doctor thinks I am taking my illness too serious.

6/9/2009 6:22:24 PM

arcapleego

You missed the classic TSBUNDY - Totally Stuffed, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet - that they use for so-called "Bed Blockers".

6/7/2009 8:53:59 AM

DHeadshot

This was specially painful to read, as my 95-year-old granfather has just been diagnosed with cancer... i dread getting to read any of these terms in his chart... doctors are such assholes -_-

6/6/2009 11:07:49 AM

OMG_AGirl

CATFWOT = complete a*****e that's a f*****g waste of time
TOBAS = take out back and shoot

6/4/2009 1:32:26 PM

bubblewrapsocks

fat people deserve to be insulted

6/4/2009 9:14:07 AM

PalinIsNotAMILF

My mom used to work in a children's hospital and nurses used FLK (funny looking kid) on kid's charts so doctors wouldn't be surprised when they walked in the room. It's terrible but kind of necessary lol

6/4/2009 8:13:44 AM