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8 Medical Terms Your Doctor Uses to Insult You

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Who do you think are the most cynical people in the world? Cops? Executioners? Or maybe prostitutes? Clowns?

We're thinking it's doctors. If you want proof, check out some of the horrifying-yet-hilarious slang they use around the office. Yes, these are real.

#8.
PRATFO

What It Means: Patient Reassured And Told to Fuck Off.

When It's Used:
When a patient comes into the ER more hysterical than ill, the doctor reassures the patient and asks them to leave. However, this acronym has gotten at least one doctor into trouble when he scribbled it in a patient's chart and then later was asked to explain it in court.

We're not saying you should ever lie in court, but in that situation you should at least consider it.

#7.
AMYOYO Syndrome

What It Means: Alright, Motherfucker, You're On Your Own.

When It's Used:
If television is to be believed, any condition, no matter how egregious or how slim the chances of survival, can be surmounted with the intervention of a charismatic, slightly eccentric doctor or the introduction of a particularly salient plot point.

Well, television is not to be believed. If a patient split from crotch to neck, sustained a shotgun wound to the chest, or fell twenty stories onto the pavement, then a great deal's up to a God. Assuming he exists, or cares. Thus we get the AMYOYO Syndrome diagnosis, with the variations SOLOMFYOYO (So long, Motherfucker, You're On Your Own) and GPO (Good for Parts Only).

#6.
Faecal Encephalopathy

What It Means: Shit-for-Brains.

When It's Used:
If you wind up in the emergency room because, say, you were trying to launch bottle rockets out of your anus, you can expect to hear this term thrown around. Latin, or pseudo-latin, is often used to convey unflattering terms and make it sound grandiloquent to the uninformed (or faecal-encephalopathic) ear.

Variations include Cranio-Rectal Syndrome and Cranial Rectosis, presumably for when the patient doesn't have shit for brains but merely has his head up his ass.

#5.
Cut and Paste

What It Means:
Also called an "Open and Close" or a "Peek and Shriek," this is when a surgeon opens up a patient for surgery, discovers nothing can be done to avert the inevitable, and sews them back up immediately. Or, if they feel like it, practice surgical technique for a while.

When It's Used:
Generally, this is encoded as "C&P," "CNP" or something similar, so that the head of the department knows what happened but the to-be-aggrieved family doesn't. Typically this happens with very old people, those with suddenly aggravated chronic health problems, or people with inoperable cancer, soon resulting in a "healthy tumor" (a dead patient).

#4.
SBI

What It Means: Something Bad Inside.

When It's Used:
When the medical staff encounters a strange complaint that doesn't meet any known diagnostic criteria. As much as you don't want to hear SBI as your diagnosis, it's still better than the alternate SVBI (Something Very Bad Inside) which means whatever it is appears to be killing you.

Either may be followed up with a "SWAG" (Scientific Wild-Ass Guess).

#3.
CTF

What It Means:
Cletus the Fetus. Used to describe infants born at 23 weeks or earlier, where their survival rate is less than 1%. There are no confirmed cases of babies surviving at 22 weeks or earlier, which means that children born then are less likely to live than someone who just jumped off the Empire State Building.

When It's Used:
New parents have a tendency to not hear anything that doesn't fit the "Our child will survive because he is special, we are special, and we love him" paradigm. No. Little Cletus will make it no matter what those mean old overpaid white coats tell Mommy and Daddy. Because life works like Lifetime home movies.

It's at this point you should realize that when you're surrounded by the sick and dying every day, no subject is too dark for comedy.

#2.
Slow Code to China

What It Means:
Hospitals use a series of emergency codes (Code Blue, for instance, means the patient is dying and needs immediate resuscitation). Not listed among the official codes is the Slow Code, meaning the patient is dying, and not to worry too much about it.

When It's Used:
Sometimes, a very ill, very elderly, or very hopeless patient wants the doctors to do everything they can to keep them alive. And sometimes, doctors don't want to do that: it's too much work, the patient will die anyway, or the person just isn't worth preserving.

#1.
CBT

What It Means: Chronic Biscuit Toxicity. Patient is really fat.

When It's Used:
Doctors seem to be inventing more and more of these unflattering terms as obesity becomes more chronic in the western world. You may also hear Polydipose Dysfunction, BW (beached whale) and others, all of which are sure to see plenty of usage until some enlightened future when a doctor can just say the phrase "lard ass" to a patient's face.

Here are some other, rather self-explanatory terms you probably don't want to hear in the halls outside your hospital room:

Cunts and Runts

The gynecology/obstetrics department.

BFH

Big Fucking Head. As in, the patient has one.

Brothel Sprouts

Genital warts.

COPS

Chronic Old Person's Disease.

Donorcycle

Motorcycle. As in, a frequent source of organ donors.

CTD

Circling The Drain. Just picture the world of the living as a bath tub.

If you enjoy thinking your doctors are horrible people and want to think it more, this site has an enormous list of these terms that pretty much redefine cynicism.


If you liked that you'll probably enjoy our look at 5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science. And don't forget to check out Internet Party 2: An Intervention for MySpace to see which sites you shouldn't be inviting to your next intervention. You should probably also watch this video to find out why 7 Reasons the New Kid Rock Song is The Worst Ever Written.




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97 Comments

Jeez, such twat behavior for those in a highly respected profession. I'm SO glad we're spending so much on health care >_>

Posted on 7/4/2008 12:29:11 AM

FLK = Funny Looking Kid

Posted on 6/30/2008 12:13:02 AM

I seen RFSK, really fucking skinny kid.

Posted on 6/3/2008 5:28:20 AM

had a rookie at one point following the stretcher holding up the diconnected end of an oxygen mask still attatched to the patient.

Posted on 6/3/2008 12:23:43 AM

On a sort of similar related topic, we once sent a summer student who was with us doing some orderly work down to collect some glass fallopian tubes from the HSDU (theatre sterile support unit). Amazing. Idiot.

Posted on 6/2/2008 2:28:59 AM

I'm a doctor, and we do use "supratentorial problem", which means above the tentorium, a membrane at the base of the brain - in other words, "it's all in their head".

Posted on 5/30/2008 7:54:13 AM

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Posted on 5/30/2008 5:47:40 AM

This one is often used in female patients - TUBE - Totally Unecessary Breast Exam. Sometimes male doctors say - I need to tube you, just to rule out breast cancer. So ladies - if you are well endowed - watch out for male doctors!

Posted on 5/30/2008 1:53:39 AM

Also: annoying family members that are hitting the nurse's call button every 5 minutes with minor requests or inane questions are said to suffer from Chronic Slapping Deficiency---which said nurses wish someone would correct for them.

Posted on 5/29/2008 7:18:52 PM

My two favorites of all time (frequently used in ICU signouts to the oncall physicians:
1. PBABLTO: Pine Box at Bedside---Leave Top Off.
2. MFC: Measure for Coffin.
God, we are some funny bastards, no?

Posted on 5/29/2008 7:15:49 PM

SOB, SOB, SOB = silly old bugger/bastard/bitch sitting out of bed, short of breath.

Supratentorial = above the tentorium, an anatomical landmark dividing the automatic (below the tentorium) from the voluntary thought processes. In other words, the patient is nuts.

I agree with an earlier comment, that maybe these terms are used more in US hospitals where the action comes fast and dirty. Here in Australia, you hear of such words, and rumour has it they were more common back in the 70's and maybe 80's, but no one ever writes them in charts any more. Legal repercussions might have something to do with that, but then you'd hear them spoken too and that's uncommon, at least in the 3 hospitals I've worked in. (Although I confess to hearing and using supratentorial a few times. But hey, when you're young and seeing the confusing, staggering extremes of human behaviour for the first time, you can be forgiven for such reactions. Hell, for some patients I still think the term is appropriate).

Posted on 5/29/2008 1:28:39 PM

ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness; known in US as MGM syndrome
Thats funny. My mom has this really bad and Im pretty sure Ive seen this in her records.

Posted on 5/29/2008 1:28:02 PM

LOL those jerks... this kind of weird, hilarious news should be featured on DFT News of the Weird: LOL i don't think coke was the only drug involved here... i prefer cartoon music videos: http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showchannel.php?page=21&title=News%20From%20The%20NeerDoWells&swf=NeerDoWells&fcontent_id=126

Posted on 5/29/2008 1:07:21 PM

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Posted on 5/29/2008 12:28:12 PM

GORK - God Only Really Knows, used in much the same situation as AMYOYO. Primarily an ER term. "That patient is GORK'd... I hope he's a donor."

Posted on 5/29/2008 8:14:07 AM

FUPA is an ER/OR term for fat upper pussy area

Posted on 5/29/2008 5:51:05 AM

Posted this link in www.surfurls.com

Posted on 5/29/2008 12:39:02 AM

I sure don't wanna see cursing in my spam, why can't you just say "Wanna play a Chinese earthquake football RPG?"?

Posted on 5/28/2008 5:15:45 PM

LOL, Chronic Biscuit Toxicity. thats a good one. My Doctor is bigger than me though so he cant use that one. LOL
http://www.fireme.to/udi

Posted on 5/28/2008 5:12:51 PM

Wanna play a fuckin sweet Football RPG?
Check it out at:
http://goallineblitz.com/game/signup.pl?ref=6141822

Posted on 5/28/2008 1:47:29 PM

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