"Sir, I'm afraid we inadvertently obliterated your penis."
A patient named William Morrison underwent a screening that required his penis be washed in a solution of three to five percent acetic acid. Sure, just typing the words "acid" and "penis" in the same sentence makes us cringe. But that doesn't mean anything could possibly go wrong there, right? Hell, a three to five percent solution probably feels kind of tingly and refreshing, like when you wash your sack in a bowl of ginger ale.
When it came time actually wash his wang, however, Mr. Morrison got a 72 percent solution, which is a little more like having your dick immersed in a piranha's mouth, after it's been drinking 72 percent acid.
But that's a one-in-a-million scenario, right? Surely health care professionals normally take way more care when a man's dong is on the line.
Not in the case of Mexican doctor, Francisco Javier Valentin y Ortiz who, despite having a wicked matador name, was not great with sharp objects, and cut off a patient's penis during a routine circumcision. We like to think Dr. Ortiz muttered "Oh geez," scratched his head then tried to put the severed penis into the patient's ballsack, kind of like a tulip in a vase, in the hopes the guy wouldn't notice.
But those two are cases are only runners up in the medical world's penis mutilation Olympics. Our gold medalist is Romanian doctor, Naum Ciomu. He separated himself from the pack when he was performing an operation to correct some poor dude's weird, bulgy nutsack. Due to the various stresses of being a guy who has to perform delicate surgeries on weird, bulgy nutsacks all day, he lost his shit and cut off the patient's dick with a scalpel, put it on the operating table and furiously hacked it into tiny pieces in front of the nursing staff. They were apparently too busy trying to think of a more succinct way to say "What the fuck is going on?" to stop him.
Ciomu said he had a temporary loss of judgment, due to some personal problems. You know, kind of like how you get really mad sometimes and punch a wall. It was like that, only he hacked a man's penis to confetti. He ended up having his license suspended and he was ordered to pay the patient 120,000 pounds while the patient got a shiny new non-functional wang made from arm skin.
Repairing the fender of a Ferrari. Equal value of a single dong.
Mental health can be a tricky subject. For instance, if you see a psychiatrist, the first task is making sure they're not crazier than you are. One way to tell is if the psychiatrist, for instance, demands that you start calling them "mother."
Which brings us to Harvard Medical School psychiatrist, Margaret Bean-Bayog, whose last name is lesser known slang for burrito-induced Montezuma's revenge. She was treating a student at the school who came to her because he was feeling lonely. According to the good doctor, the patient had suffered severe childhood abuse and was now hooked on drugs and alcohol as well as dealing with overwhelming anxiety, rage and sociopathic tendencies. That was strange, because no previous doctor had managed to detect any of these things in the poor kid.