"That's your poster for the JFK movie? You're fired, you sick bastard."
"Uh... no! Of course not! This is the poster for... Big, the Tom Hanks comedy about a man who changes bodies with a child!"
"Perfect! Here is your raise."
Having just watched the first few minutes of the film before slapping their poster together, the Japanese marketing department renamed Army of Darkness to Captain Supermarket because, you know, Ash worked in one.
You can just picture the poster designer tapping the pencil on his desk thinking, "Okay, supermarket. Let's get a bag of groceries on there. What else do they sell at the supermarket? Soup! Campbell's soup! And the star is named Bruce Campbell! It almost makes too much sense!"
We're too terrified to make a joke.
Well it would appear that this poor man has a dove for a dick, and is trying to fuck the horseheaded guy. The question is: Which one is Jack Nicholson?
Of course you have to tell the audience that the movie has a scene with a fly-monster puking. Why else would they buy a ticket? Oh, and go ahead and imply that the fly is played by Kojak's Telly Savalas just to make sure.
Japan repackaged First Blood as a kickass motorcycle chase through the city with Dukes of Hazzard-esque ramping of cop cars (bottom). But at least they portray the safety-conscious Sly as wearing a nice padded helmet.
Props to the designer for both drawing a literal planet made out of an ape and giving away the twist ending.
But here's the problem: Once audiences have actually seen the movie and realize it's not actually about humans landing on a monkey-headed globe in space, how do you do posters for the sequels?
We knew we would regret asking that question.
We all know why this could have been worse.
Okay, before we go, let's hear from Poland one last time. Let's pick a movie they couldn't possibly turn into nightmare fuel: The Muppet Movie.
And... you are now insane. Sorry.
For more tasteful foreign cinema, check out 9 Foreign Rip-Offs Cooler Than The Hollywood Originals and Ridiculous Overseas Rip-Offs of American Films.
And visit the foreign version of Cracked.com's Top Picks by clicking the link (we went ahead and translated it for you so you'd know where to click).