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5 Innovative Ways Hollywood Is Screwing You Over

By Dan Seitz October 1, 2008 531,828 views
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Ah, Hollywood. Where the magic happens.

And by "magic," we usually mean overpriced crap homogenized to death by market studies. It turns out the dream factory that is the film industry is a business after all, and one with the kind of greed that puts Microsoft to shame.

Here are five of the new, innovative ways that they're screwing us over.

#5.
Double-Dipping DVDs

There are sometimes genuinely good reasons to issue a special edition DVD. The technology has improved, so there's no question DVDs released today often have image quality that was almost unthinkable when the format first appeared. So we're always happy for a cleaned-up edition, especially if the original was released back in the early days of the format when you considered it a special feature if you got a plastic DVD case instead of a cardboard one.

More often than not, though, studios will rerelease for any goddamn thing, often tacking on just enough "extras" to give them an excuse to slap on a new cover with a gold or silver bar at the top. A prime offender is Sony Home Video, which apparently can't be bothered to rerelease classic films like The Shop Around the Corner or His Girl Friday but are more than happy to crap out four different editions of Resident Evil.


This movie has been released on DVD more times than Citizen Kane.

Better Get Used to it...

As the profits continue to shift from theatrical to the home market, studios will keep finding reasons to do this. It doesn't help that we keep buying them, apparently on the wistful hope that a new picture on the cover will somehow make Resident Evil something other than terrible.

Just to rub it in our faces, a Miramax exec admitted they intentionally put out separate DVDs for each of the two Kill Bill volumes, saying:

"'Vol. 1' goes out, 'Vol. 2' goes out, then 'Vol. 1 Special Edition,' 'Vol. 2 Special Edition,' the two-pack, then the Tarantino collection as a boxed set for Christmas," he said. "It's called multiple bites at the apple."

Multiple bites. That Resident Evil "apple" must be a freakin' core by now.

#4.
Ads in Front of Movies

Television has had a long-standing unspoken agreement with the viewer: It shows you programs you like, and you in return ignore the ads that interrupt your enjoyment to go to the bathroom, flip around or--these days--fast-forward through them.

Advertisers have never been happy with that "ignore" part of the equation, and one day some enterprising ad executive looked at movie theater, saw how all of the viewers are basically forced to watch whatever comes on the screen with no option to change the channel, and came up with a truly evil idea.


"They're like a bunch of prisoners..."

They'd take the same ads you found too annoying to watch on TV, and project them in the theater! No changing the channel or fast-forwarding, and you often can't get up without fear of losing your seat. This would be the same seat you paid ten bucks for.

Theater chains were happy to take the money, figuring a little annoyance of their loyal customers was more than worth it to add another revenue stream.

Better Get Used to it...

And what a revenue stream it is. They've now got about 400 million reasons a year to keep running the ads, and that number is growing fast. Some markets have fifteen minutes worth of ads before the trailers (which are, you know, more ads).

The biggest chains (Regal Cinemas, Cinemark and AMC) have actually teamed up to form National CineMedia to maximize the sweet, sweet ad revenue. The only thing left is to stop the movie half way through so they can run more ads.

Now, in case you thought we were trying to make the theaters out to be the bad guys in this situation, one reason they got on board with this was due to...

#3.
Hollywood Squeezing Theaters for Every Dime

Hollywood has the major theater chains over a barrel, and they've been going all Deliverance on them for about two decades now. Pretty much every single thing you hate about the movie-going experience that doesn't involve some jerk on his cell phone can be attributed to this prison-bitch relationship dynamic.

This is why popcorn is like seven bucks a box. Yes ticket prices are ridiculous, but the movie theaters have to forward most of that money on to the studios.


A typical Hollywood executive.

The way it works is the studios have front-loaded deals, so that for the first weekend, up to 75% of box office has to be paid to the studio (Star Wars: Episode I infamously demanded 90% up front). Then each weekend thereafter it drops 10% (meaning the theater gets to keep more of the money as the movie plays).

You see why it's a terrible deal when you realize movies make most of their money in the first couple of weeks. So the studio cashes in during that early period when fans are seeing it based on the awesome trailer, and then the theaters are left with the crumbs when word of mouth informs everyone it's a turdburger.

Better Get Used to it...

As DVD sales have risen, theater attendance has sunk like a rock. So they have to keep afloat somehow, and that means inflated concession prices, the aforementioned commercials and those stupid slides before the movie starts. (See chart)

And through all of that, the studios still have all of the power in the relationship. Their product (that is, the movies) is the only thing that gets people into theaters. The chains don't have much choice but to sign the deal and go scraping for revenue elsewhere. They get screwed, so the theaters have no one left to screw but you, the customer, forming one big daisy-chain of screwing.

Which is exactly the sort of thing you'll never see on screen, thanks to...

Recommended for Your Pleasure

172 Comments

Eh, I already knew about the MPAA. If they actually wanted to do their job right, they'd give harsher ratings for violence than for sex.

5/14/2009 6:39:15 AM
loqutor

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3/15/2009 7:44:46 AM
Anna1573

lOl, Bittorrent rules

3/14/2009 3:38:15 PM
coruptkomix

Funny, good article

3/13/2009 10:22:28 PM
InsomniaticGIRL

Also safronaldo, I saw that National Guard ad you were talking about. Holy s**t, was that cringworthy. I could hear people in the theater chuckling during the entire ad, it was so corny.

My favorite scene was where the soldiers are driving down a street in the Middle East. They're in a hummer or some other type of giant, wasteful vehicle, and as they're driving, a soccer ball rolls out in the middle of the street in front of them. A little boy runs out to get the soccer ball back. He sees the soldiers, looks scared, leaves his ball, and runs to the side of the street so he isn't flattened.

The soldiers, being such honest, wonderful American men, retrieve his ball from the street and toss it back, earning themselves a smile from the now content and trusting Middle Eastern child.

I had to turn my eyes away, it was so god-awful. The entire ad was the National Guard giving themselves a blow job.

3/12/2009 7:49:30 PM
Syph

I was recently reminded as to why I hate going to the theater.

My mother and I paid to see "Bolt" (this was months after it had first been released - it's literally coming out on DVD the same month I saw it), and I can't even remember the first 30 minutes of the movie because of this parrot of a woman behind me. By "parrot" I mean that she literally repeated EVERY f*****g LINE from the movie, from start to finish. She also laughed as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. This woman was an adult (with children), and she was the loudest f****r in there. The infant sitting two rows in front of me was quieter than this woman.

Then, a week later, my mother and I went to the same theater to see "Yes Man." I swear, that movie has so many ad placements in each scene it's impossible to miss them.

At least it wasn't as bad as a Michael Bay movie.

3/12/2009 7:33:57 PM
Syph

# 3 is 100% correct. I help manage theater location under a fairly large chain. It is ridiculous. We only make about 1 dollar on every ticket, even for most of the movie's tenure at the theater. That is why concessions are so over priced, so a profit is made. Commercials on the front end of a movie, Studios' decision. The commercials on slide projectors, even before the actual movie commercials start, Studios. Even what we put up in our lobbies are dictated by studios. If we don't put up things, we get in "trouble." Various representatives come from each studio to make sure posters and stand-ee's are placed evenly and fairly. Its like getting a ticket from a meter maid; dumb but it takes a toll. If you get offended by the national guard commercial, or the stupid Kardashian show ad on the front end of Ratatouille, that is a Studio ad exec's decision. Someone in hollywood thought it would be a great idea, that in order to make money they would place a commercial for a show whose star is known for, "having class because she has a great ass"...she even comes with her own sex tape. And the comment below about Disney is a constant occurance. Parents get livid that "Disney" violence gets a G. Ontop of the movie companies getting almost ALL of the ticket money, they actually charge for each copy of the film they send to the theaters....??? If studios don't send the film out they can't get their money??? I've seen the upcoming releases for the next while, it is not going to get better. There will be a few bright lights, like the Heath Ledger movie The "Legendarium...;" but Hollywood expects us all to be idiots, and pay for ANOTHER remake of Friday13th. Tickets prices will only go up, meaning concessions will do the same. If you get mad and want free passes, call the chain's home office. If you actually want things to change, call the studios, and stop going to movies. Thats the only way it will ever change, because the theaters can't do ANYTHING about it, even if they want to.

3/11/2009 10:13:18 AM
safronaldo

Awesome article. Love the BT image at the end.

And the MPAA should burn in f*****g hell.

3/11/2009 7:59:25 AM
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3/10/2009 9:05:22 PM
sexybeauties

I love how the most violent of Disney movies ALWAYS get a G rating, simply because it's Disney.

3/10/2009 8:46:57 AM
yaz

Long Live BT!

3/10/2009 5:23:48 AM
Sleepy

bit torrent! bit torrent! (everyone chants), bit torrreeennnntttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3/9/2009 8:17:13 PM
The.Dude.

Haha. Now I actually feel guilty when I'm NOT pirating a movie via P2P.

1/18/2009 3:39:41 PM
Slightly_sane

One of the best Cracked articles. Long live BitTorrent and awesome piece

12/15/2008 5:32:52 AM
XtinaxFan

excellent article

11/17/2008 9:10:13 AM
Kumiho

I love going to the theatre to see movies. I know it's expensive and the little guy gets shat on, which is why I try to buy concessions even if I don't want any.
I realize how dumb it is. I just read what I typed and it reads rediculous.

But hey. Think of it this way: How much money did you spend on those pro football/baseball/baskball tickets and how much do you think you're going to get raped for a beer and and a hotdog?

10/5/2008 10:39:59 AM
Jehy

Nice article, however; you a bit off on Netflix. They are most definitely in league with the studios. Netflix did not make money for a long time, but it somehow was in the black every year. They were put there by the studios. Netflix is in backdoor deals right now with all the studios to deliver on-demand content. Sure, studios are also in talks with other companies, but it is Netflix that will become the win in the end, because they are directly assisted by all the studios.

10/4/2008 10:07:41 PM
Kutulhu

ohhhhhhhh......

10/4/2008 6:35:36 AM
mtrix534

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