Smash Bros Theory: 6 Absurd Classes Taught at Actual Colleges

#3. Tightwaddery

Offered At:

Alfred University.

This course is part of Alfred University's honors program and is supposed to prove that money can't buy happiness, though what it really proves is that you shouldn't base entire college courses on fortune cookie sayings.

In the course you are going to learn how living on the cheap will benefit the environment and improve your relationships. It also offers both instruction in theory and practice, which is awesome because there is no way you could understand how to save money without actually doing things like hitting thrift shops and yard sales. It also promises you'll learn how to avoid falling for rip offs, which ironically is a skill you clearly don't have if you paid for this course.

This brings us to the larger point, which is that unless your parents are rich enough to have a vacation home in Aspen, then the very act paying tens of thousands of dollars to attend a University has already taught you how to live with no money. Just two months of being a college student, regardless of which classes you take, will teach you that you can get two meals out of a single family-sized box of macaroni and cheese, and what exact combination of liquor will get you drunkest on a budget of twelve dollars. We don't need a professor to show us a Powerpoint presentation on the subject.

#2. The Science of Superheroes

Offered At:

UC Irvine.

This course asks the question, "Have you ever wondered if Superman could really bend steel bars?" To which the answer would be, "Not since I was 5."

This UC Irvine course seems to be an attempt to address the concerns of a certain segment of the population that likes to debate important issues like whether sucking up gamma rays would turn you into the Hulk or a pile of boiling flesh.

Professor Mike Dennin has been profiled on several news programs and was in a documentary related to his "innovative" course. He is of the opinion that by giving the students something to relate to they won't fear science so much. We suspect it also gives him a chance to wear his Batman costume.

We don't have the credentials to teach physics but we think that a better way to teach science might be to examine scientific principles that were not completely made up by comic book writers. Teaching a science course by spending time looking at shit that isn't science seems about as useful as teaching English by pointing to gibberish and saying "This ain't English, and neither is this. See this? Not English!". Thanks, that's fucking useful.

If your grasp on science is so tenuous that you sign up for this class to validate your belief that, under the right circumstances x-ray vision is attainable, then you're in for a huge disappointment. Seeing how real life measures up to comics, we're thinking the comparison will serve only to turn the entire class off of real science forever.

Comic book.

Real life.

#1. Exploring Cybersexualities

Offered At:

San Francisco State University.

We didn't expect a course like this to be offered even at a hippie school like SFSU. Then again, with a school motto like "Experience Teaches" this class probably fits right in.

The course is supposed to examine cybersex and its place in the world today. It examines difficult questions like "What is cybersex?" and "Why do we want cybersex?" and "Do we need air to live?"

The instructor is a lady named Mary Madden who has a Master's degree and lists "Online adult entertainment" as her area of expertise on her faculty page, which means she shares the same area of expertise as every fucking guy in America.

As for course work, you're required you to chat online, check out porn links and then design your own unique cybersexual experience to present to the class, finally giving you a chance to share your perverted fantasies with strangers without fear of arrest. Though if you're using one of the school's PCs, we'd strongly suggest that you begin every session by disinfecting your keyboard.

What's disappointing here is that this could be a useful course, if they bothered to teach practical skills such as "How to safely surf porn at work," "How to hide your porn from your girlfriend/spouse" and "How to hide your plainly visible erection from a classroom full of other students."

We don't think we'll find any of that in the syllabus.

Get an education here on Cracked with 9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think or for a new definition of the phrase "higher learning" check out The 5 Greatest Things Ever Accomplished While High.

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