Ten Secret Celebrity Scientologists


Best Known For: The theme song to Shaft; playing Chef on South Park.

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: Who' a sex machine to all the chicks? Not Isaac Hayes, unless they're at least level 4.

Okay, this entry's sort of cheating, since after Hayes' public dismissal from South Park last year over the show's offensive portrayal of Scientology, pretty much everyone's aware of Isaac's Xenu-battling ways at this point. Still, though: motherfucker wrote the theme song from Shaft! Come on!

Rumors abound that Hayes was forced by Scientology overlords to quit South Park after the infamous "In the Closet" episode. Whew! Good thing it's not a cult, though! (Don't sue.)

Connections: The other three black Scientologists, who remain shrouded in mystery.

Presumed Operating Thetan Level: the baddest mother-- "Shut your mouth!" "I'm just talkin' 'bout Operatin' Thetan Levels!" "Then we can dig it."


Best Known For: Okay, it' technically Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson

Why You Wouldn't Expect Her To Be a Scientologist: Don't have an Engram, man! Of all people to believe in crazy shit L.Ron Hubbard cooked up on a sailboat while knocking back Coronas, we wouldn't have pegged the voice of Bart Simpson. Cartwright says she learned about Scientology in her acting class in 1988. It's frankly mind-boggling that she could have somehow heard about this in a place where people who can't act get in a group to act like trees and believe anything their teacher tells them.

Connections: Mr. Burns? Bumble Bee Man? LENNY????

Presumed Thetan Level: Four (self-"auditing"; gives one the ability to talk like an eight-year-old boy and produce catchphrases that wind up on t-shirts)


Best Known For: being Cher' ex-husband; being a Republican congressman; not wearing a helmet when skiing

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: Back in the Sonny & Cher days, you totally would have pegged the diminutive, fringe-wearing Bono as the sort of vacuous, henpecked sucker to get roped into a fruity Hollywood cult.

But after he went all Catholic Republican in the '90s, he allegedly put all that hippy nonsense behind him. However, several sources claim he kept close ties with the Scientologist Church until his death, consulting members frequently on both personal and political issues. That' reassuring.

He was also quoted as saying: "My only sorrow is that L. Ron Hubbard left before I could thank him for my new life," in a full-page ad featured in several newspapers after Elron's death.

Connections: Widow and replacement congresswoman Mary Bono has also taken Scientology courses. Bono was introduced to Scientology by Mimi Rogers (who was also responsible for inducting football player John Brodie, and of course, Tom Cruise.)

Presumed Thetan Level: Slalom


Best Known For: Seinfeld; questioning the "deal" with airline peanuts; drilling a minor

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: Cynical Jewish comedians are better known for having issues with their mothers and getting their laundry back from the drycleaners than worrying why the Galactic Confederacy blew up a bunch of volcanoes, dooming us all to centuries of terror. Also: he's Jewish. We're pretty sure religion doesn't advertise two-for-one specials.

Still, while Seinfeld claims not to be an adherent, "I took a couple courses a number of years ago that I thought were fabulous. I learned a lot and I had a good experience with it... "I think the stuff I learned there really did help me a lot." He' also dismissed articles questioning Scientology as "poor journalism." Let that be a lesson to journalists everywhere, from the mouth of Seinfeld himself: stop questioning things.

Connections: Nothing we can prove. But Michael "N-Word" Richards could probably use whatever well-funded stealth Scientology PR team's keeping Tom Cruise's career afloat right about now.

Presumed Thetan Level: What' the deal with all these levels? Has anyone else noticed this?


Best Known For: viciously murdering people, ordering people to viciously murder other people; carving swastikas into his forehead

Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: One of the biggest lunatics in American history is actually precisely who we'd expect to be down on the ground with psychotic theories about aliens and immortal spirits. But here' the kicker: Manson took over 150 hours of Scientology courses, rejected it as too crazy, and then went on to murder a whole bunch of people.

We're just saying.

Connections: Peter "Big Gunner" Skinner, the guard he supplies cigarettes to so he can avoid getting raped all the time.

Presumed Thetan Level: Batshit insane, but knows total bullshit when he sees it.

If you liked this, read Karla's treatise on celebrities you probably thought were gay that in reality get tons of puntang: The Straight Scoop: 10 Stars You Won't Believe Aren't Gay . Or, check out the most honest anti-drug ad of all-time.

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