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There are three types of Hollywood homosexuals:
The last group may be open to the most speculation, but recently a new category has emerged: People whom everyone assumes are gay, but are in fact all about the opposite sex's poontang and peeners. Your ever diligent CRACKED team investigated* this hotbed** issue, and what we found will SHOCK AND AMAZE YOU. (Not that there's anything wrong with being straight.) *Spent 10 minutes on Google #10. Andy Dick
Why you think he might be gay: Claims to like dudes. Has made out with dudes. Prancy. Why he's not: The above should be enough to cast some doubt, but it turns out Dick has three children by multiple women, making him at least way bisexual or a great faker. He's also been kicked off more TV shows for sexually assaulting female guests than anyone in the business (Jimmy Kimmel Live — Ivanka Trump; Comedy Central's Roast of William Shatner — Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and New York Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller). If it came down to a choice between coke and cock, he wouldn't be snorting dicks up his nose, is all we're saying. #9. Jude Law
Why you think he might be gay: Slim, well-dressed, pretty mouth, nice hair. Also, the following pictorial evidence:
Jude's the one in the center. Wow. Why he's not: When neither ex-wife Sadie Frost nor fiancée Sienna Miller were close enough to mount, Jude notoriously made do with husky corn-fed nanny Daisy Wright:
If you're so hard up for pussy you can't wait for your smoking hot girlfriend to get home and decide to jump your kid's shovel-faced nanny instead… Yeah, it would appear you really like vaginas. A lot. #8. Jeff Garcia, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Why you think he might be gay: It is long-standing tradition that the quarterback of whatever football team you hate is gay. Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Joe Montana-all so totally gay, according to various people sitting next to us at the bar watching Monday Night Football. Jeff Garcia isn't helped by the fact he comes off a little"¦ "festive" at times, which was pointed out rather ungraciously by former teammate Terrell Owens in a 2004 interview. Though we can't exactly blame him there. We recommend the Wheel of Fortune clip. Why he's not: Earlier this year Garcia married long time girlfriend and Playboy Playmate Carmella DeCesare. In 2004, Carmella was arrested after karate-kicking one of Garcia's ex-girlfriends during a fight at an Ohio nightclub. The fight allegedly came about because Garcia was having an affair with his ex, and Carmella was so pissed that there were restraining orders involved. All the drama aside, when you've got insanely hot chicks beating the crap out of each other because they both want you so bad, you either really know how to lay the pipe, or you've hired the best beards in the entire universe. Sorry, haters, Terrell's just a whiny bitch. But you knew that already, right? #7. Eddie Murphy
Why you think he might be gay: Was pulled over by cops after he "gave a ride" to a transvestite hooker packing more heat than Judge Reinhold in Beverly Hills Cop II. Why he's not: Last year Eddie Murphy not only dated and impregnated "Scary Spice" Mel B, he also broke up with her via a Dutch television interview where he claimed the baby wasn't his. (Paternity tests later proved him wrong on that count—nice one, Eddie.) Unless you're the singer of "Billie Jean," saying you're not the baby-daddy is about as heterosexual as it gets. Not to mention classy. #6. Anne Heche
Why you think she might be gay: The whole "I'm a lesbian in love with Ellen DeGeneres" thing was a subtle tip-off.
An excerpt from Call Me Crazy: A Memoir:
In summary: She may or not be gay (specifically, she's not), but she's sure as hell fucking crazy. |
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Actually, Jake Gyllenhal has said that he has no plans to label himself sexually at all. He just wants to discover himself in time, or something like that. He also admitted to enjoying kissing Heath. Really, who wouldn't. But it's a fun list nonetheless. Everyone seems to assume that if a guy is sweet and well-dressed, he's gay. Sheesh.
Fun fact: Lindsay Lohan is actually a pretty bitchin guitarist.
This article didn't quite stand the test of time, hmm?
I own that Anne Heche memoir. I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend it-- it's entitled , "Call Me Crazy," and every time i look at that cover while perusing all my bathroom reading material, I say out loud, "We do, Anne, we do." Now, don't get me wrong, it doesn't hold a candle to "Touch Me," a collection of poetry from Suzanne Somers, nor can it rival the sheer toe-curling uncomfortability of Ally Sheedy's "Yesterday I Saw The Sun," but it's a great source of sincere batshit insanity that excellently accompanies a morning constitutional.
I notice that, unfortunately, you haven't made much mention of bisexuality (I count one). Just because someone has been proven to like one sex doesn't mean that completely excludes the other. One thing that's really irritated the hell out of me is that everyone's been assuming Lindsey Lohan is either a lesbian or not--isn't there the possibility of being bisexual, not just "a honkin' s**t"? Usually I love cracked.com, but as a bisexual person myself, I'm not totally pleased about more perpetuation of biphobic myths.
...and I'm THINKING... correct me if I'm wrong... but the picture of him in drag is from the movie Hairspray.
Not that I'd ever watch that. That would make me gay. And I'm not. So I've never seen that movie. >_>
Y'know, with that picture of Tom Cruise and that picture of his fetus unit... they actually look quite a lot alike.
What a ass hat.
is Cracked ever going to post some sort of retraction not that we know LL does in-fact munch rug?
I'm not bashing the article because, wow, John. With eyes closed and everything? But, there are places in the world where kissing on the lips isn't necessarily sexual... then with the cross dressing and the... yeah I give up too.
O.O Holy crap, John. How the hell did I miss THAT photo? Wow, I'm kind of... not surprised. Last few years? Weight gain, tight shirts, the hair? Yeah, he gave all the signs, didn't he?
@Seventies: I know it might be different for different people, but I for one believe in bisexuality, the problem with Lohan is that she doesn't come across as "bisexual", she comes across as "Loose".
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sigh. lindsay lohan is bisexual. bisexuality does indeed exist. i don't get why so many people seem to have such a hard time understanding that.
I think Andy Dick just really WANTS to be gay, but can't seem to give up women.
some what funny but needs work over all
but lindsay lohan IS gay
George Clooney, the new millenium Rock Hudson. That guy is gayer than 9 guys blowing 10 guys.
Watch him on anything ever and tell me he's not fah-lame-ing.
Should have put a picture of Maggie Gyllenhall for #5.
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