Every February, just as you get over dropping a wad of cash on Christmas, retailers unite to convince you to buy even more shit for other people. This time around, for the ones you want to have sex with. And if you think the mere act of buying something on or before the 14th is enough to get you laid, these gifts would beg to differ.
14Erotic Rug Hooking
We had no idea that you could make rugs erotic and, after seeing this, we still don't think you can, though it does get points for resembling the pixelated ladies of early Nintendo fantasies. That aside, we can't imagine who on earth could hold anything close to a straight face after receiving one of these as a gift. Instead, we're pretty sure the universal "what the fuck" face would make an appearance.
They say a woman's brain responds to chocolate very much the same way it does to sex, so clearly chocolate is the kind of gift you want to use to get her brain in the right place. But regular chocolate is for chumps. These chocolate jalapenos tell your girl "I think you need to pack on a few pounds, then spend a few hours on the shitter getting rid of it again." Romance may be dead but burning squirts are timeless.