14 Valentine's Day Gifts Guaranteed to Not Get You Laid
Every February, just as you get over dropping a wad of cash on Christmas, retailers unite to convince you to buy even more shit for other people. This time around, for the ones you want to have sex with. And if you think the mere act of buying something on or before the 14th is enough to get you laid, these gifts would beg to differ.
Erotic Rug Hooking
We had no idea that you could make rugs erotic and, after seeing this, we still don't think you can, though it does get points for resembling the pixelated ladies of early Nintendo fantasies. That aside, we can't imagine who on earth could hold anything close to a straight face after receiving one of these as a gift. Instead, we're pretty sure the universal "what the fuck" face would make an appearance.
They say a woman's brain responds to chocolate very much the same way it does to sex, so clearly chocolate is the kind of gift you want to use to get her brain in the right place. But regular chocolate is for chumps. These chocolate jalapenos tell your girl "I think you need to pack on a few pounds, then spend a few hours on the shitter getting rid of it again." Romance may be dead but burning squirts are timeless.
Personalized Romance Novel
Why settle for chocolate or flowers on Valentine's Day when you can immortalize that special someone as a complete fucking tool for all time? Pirates of Desire is a romance novel you can personalize by having them rename characters after you and that special person--you can even include your cat! This is sure to make for the most awkward reading of your lives, as your girl realizes how badly she wants a swashbuckling adventurer with an eight-inch dick, instead of the pudgy Halo enthusiast who thought paying someone to use the "Replace All" function on their word processor counted as a thoughtful gift.
First of all, no penguin will be delivered to your home by a wacky deliveryman in a flying machine. You won't get to keep him in your bathtub, or put a tiny harness on him to walk about the neighborhood squirting feces onto the lawns of others while your significant other fawns all over you, and proposes mind-boggling threesomes. No, that shit won't happen at all.
Instead, you get a twice-yearly newsletter from the Falkland Islands, wherever the fuck they are, about penguins, plus some bullshit stuffed penguin that doesn't squirt anything and some kind of badge that says what a schmuck you are for dropping cash on this "gift" which goes to support a charity that takes care of penguins. If they sell out, you can always just take her to the zoo, pay the cover charge and then turn around and go home.
We deeply wish we'd never seen this product, but nonetheless it was linked from a site intended for women looking for good Valentine's gifts for the man in their life. Judging from the photo, the man in their life is Gay Sasquatch, but that's neither here nor there and we're not about to judge others on their lifestyle choices. The problem here, however, is clear. If you give this on Valentine's Day to any man, even Gay Sasquatch, what you're basically saying is "Hey, I think you're so special, I want to try to choke your junk into unconsciousness by squeezing the life out of it with some recycled Dayglo Hammer pants from the early '90s."
Sweet Heart Erotic Vibrator
Nothing quite embodies the spirit of love and romance like an awkward crotch bulge. And if your girlfriend doesn't have one already, then this product is here to help.
This device comes with two magnetic pieces, so you clamp one inside the panties, one outside, and viola! Now your girl can't actually put her legs together any more and everyone she encounters will have to force their gaze away from the terrifying, buzzing cameltoe she's now sporting.
Personalized Magazine Cover
The website promises, "Impress your friends and relatives and discover what it feels like to be a celebrity--without the annoying paparazzi following you everywhere ... "
The first problem (of many) is that this gift apparently demands you live a lie, and tell "family and friends" that you are in fact a celebrity, which presumably will involve you making up some elaborate back story about how you were in a TV show in the '90s or whatever.
The other problem is that even if a guy appeared in a real wedding magazine, he'd go to the ends of the earth to make sure his friends never found out. Maybe they make a guy's version, called Celebrity Fucker or something like that, where they take the same picture up there, Photoshop out the clothes and replace the girl with Natalie Portman.
Here's a gift that has some honesty behind it. The garter says "Hey baby, I wanna see you in your underwear" and the flask says "But you're gonna need to be drunk for this to work."
Seizing the market that likes to mix childhood innocence with debauchery, someone made the Nookii Bear, a cute little stuffed animal that holds a sack full of cards, each featuring detailed description your lover will read with a look of awkward discomfort on their face.
Here's a tip: if your sexual fantasies involve a bedroom with a lot of stuffed animals in it, it's probably best to keep that to yourself.
Indecent Proposal: The Game
There's a whole niche of these erotic board games for couples, usually ending up with you making ice cream sundaes on the other person's crotch. But only one game suggests that you think your partner is a whore.
The Indecent Proposal game has players earning play money by performing sex acts until you can afford the money shot. The game comes complete with action cards, dice and a pimp to smack the shit out of you for not giving him his cut.
Your Face on Adam and Eve Artwork
History is rife with historical lovers, from Antony and Cleopatra to Romeo and Juliet to Mr. Miyagi and Daniel Laruso. Being immortalized with your lover as one of those couples probably seems like fun to someone in the theatre crowd, but even they might be hard pressed to find all that much romance in having their faces grafted onto Adam and Eve, a couple who probably did not have all that much hot, nasty sex with the face of an Old-Testament God scowling down at them all day.
The makers of Play-Doh cologne say it's "meant for highly-creative people, who seek a whimsical scent reminiscent of their childhood." They fail to mention that Play-Doh smells like unwashed dicks, and that walking around reeking of an 8-year-old's toys will make your peers associate you with pedophilia.
Heart Remote Control
Because tacky doesn't need to limit itself to everyday shit like your wardrobe, your car and your general state of being, this little gem was created for the trailer park princess in your life. Sadly devoid of rhinestones, this remote comes with a spot for engraving, so she can never deny that she once dated someone retarded enough to think this was a good gift.
Romance and swine have had a sordid history at best. Rare is the woman who likes being associated with pigs and frankly, if it's not bacon, there are probably very few men who like it either. Nonetheless, some intrepid soul designed Q-Pig, a fat little pink Valentine take off of Cupid, complete with toga and his own rap song.
Whether or not this pig raps better than most rappers currently recognized by Billboard charts is not the point. Whether or not the designer really pondered the name MC Ham-mer is also not the point. The point is that this thing sucks. Sucks hard and fast.
Now that you know how to keep your genitals nice and dry this Valentines Day, you're probably going to need this photo illustrated list of The 10 Hottest Celebrity Off-Spring . Or, head over to the blog for what is without a doubt the most disturbing video Ross Wolinsky has posted to date (this assumes that you are disturbed by adorable animal tricks).