Once again the Super Bowl has come and gone, and once again, everyone seems to be talking more about the ads than the game itself. But for all the hype that surrounds the 30-second spots, and for all of the money the companies paid to have them air (a whopping $2.6 million this year) some commercials didn't even seem to be trying. Whether they simply neglected to mention what the product they were selling did, looked like they were produced for cable access television, or featured some of the most hilariously bad acting we've seen since 7th grade sex education, all five of these ads made us wonder exactly what the companies were trying to accomplish. CRACKED presents the five worst ads that $2.6 million could buy this year.
Upon first seeing this ad in the opening quarter of the game, we were giddy with delight, waiting for the Geico caveman to drop in and hit us with the brilliant punch line that the over-achieving Pierce-and his sexually lustful colleagues-so clearly deserve. But it never came, and we were forced to confront the reality that this ad was meant to be taken seriously. Maybe the joke was that the ad never specifies what, exactly, SalesGenie.com helps you sell. Our guess: either boats or something that isn't a boat.
When the ad was shown again in the third quarter, all of the brilliant moments started jumping out at us. There's the part where Pierce wants to hit the golf course with Walter, but Walter can't make it because he's too busy shuffling through papers and contemplating his inability to achieve an erection. Immediately after, Pierce is stopped by his boss, who tells him, "You're doing great! Wanna come to my house for dinner tonight?" Pierce's boss doesn't waste any time with small talk, because he knows that if you bore Pierce with small talk, Pierce is almost definitely going to fuck your wife.
There's also the woman who says, "Pierce, what's with the new sports car? How about a ride?" because apparently she's only able to speak in questions that sound like they've been written for Dennis the Menace (you half expect her to follow it up with, "Gosh mister!") Pierce replies with a tantalizingly open-ended, "Maybe!" revealing himself as a cunning master of seduction.
We close out the office portion of the commercial with a hypnotized underling (who's named Watley for some reason) coming into Pierce's resplendent office, gazing into Pierce's handsome eyes, and asking, "How do you do it?" Pierce ignores the overwhelming sexual tension, and finally, grandly, let' us in on his little secret: "Only fools work hard. I work smart!" YES! OF COURSE! But wait-what if we work both HARD and SMART? But no, that can't be possible, otherwise Pierce would have told us so. After all, only fools work hard. Hopefully, the millions of school children watching this Super Bowl-cheering on their heroes and believing that they, too, could one day play in the Super Bowl if they put in the practice and spill the blood, sweat, tears-hopefully they take Pierce' advice to heart. "Only fools work hard." Horatio Alger would be proud.
The real kicker is in the last few seconds, when we see the woman who is unreasonably impressed by sports cars getting out of Pierce's ride in front of his enormous mansion. The SalesGenie.com advertising whizzes leave what happens next up to your imagination, but we're guessing ol' Pierce didn't bring her back to his place to give her a tennis lesson. In the directors cut, they dial up Walter on speakerphone and make him listen as they have vigorous from-behind sex, at which point Walter realizes the lady-moans on the other end are those of his daughter who's been interning as Pierce's secretary for the semester. Walter then jumps off a bridge like that robot in the GM commercial.